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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I just found out
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about you start standing up for yourself.

You're depressed, sh*t job and yet you allow the one person who's supposed to have your back walk all over you.

Go see a lawyer and file for divorce, regardless of whether you want to or not. This is not about divorcing, but about regaining control over your life. You deserve happiness, and if its not with your wife then you are making it clear that you are perfectly capable of moving on (even if inside you are scared of being lonely, seeing less of your kids etc.)

You can always stop the process if your wife has shown enough remorse.

Do not contact the other man, it makes you look weak. He is probably getting some perverse pleasure from this. Seriously - stop contacting him. No more contact.

You mention he has a wife. Call her and tell her what is happening. Then you expose him to his family & work through formal email. e.g. "I have written this to inform you that Mr. X has been engaging in an affair." No emotion, just state the facts. People contacted should be superiors (one or two) and older family members (Younger family members tend to immediately leap to their defense). Do NOT go overboard with this, just enough people to shine the light on the affair. No more than needed.

Stop engaging with her. Just Stop. You make it clear that if it does go to divorce she will be the one that leaves the house. Not you. You may/may not have been the best husband but the affair is not your fault.


[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 10:52 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Brokenhearted99
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to the counselor for the first time since I made discovery.

He asked what I wanted, I told him based on history with her, F.B has been the gateway for her and these other men.

I figured in 6 years, she has had 4 men challenge her fidelity in one degree or another and maintained an emotional affair from, just entertaining a flirt to the graphic sex messages of two weeks ago. And, all 4 of those men were on her wall at the same time two weeks ago. I told him I told her it would be a good idea to decativate f.b....she didn't like that idea. I told her we could have a joint account...she didn't like that. I never told her I wanted access to her wall via passwords.

He told me if she didn't give these things to me, (security code), I should be alarmed.

She got home, I confronted her and told her I wanted them and it got rather nasty.

She said, "When are you going to tell these counselors what you have done to us? You know, your mental health?"

I held my ground. I told her it was this way, or the highway. I would be finding another place to live. She gave them to me.... I know, it isn't over. I challenged that ego, it was an affront to it. This is when it gets rather nasty in my home. I see the counselor in two weeks again. I just went through her wall, and it looks clear. She has a boatload of men blocked, I noticed.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said, "When are you going to tell these counselors what you have done to us? You know, your mental health?"
She's blameshifting.

Even money says she sets up new FB and keeps it secret.

I told him based on history with her, F.B has been the gateway for her and these other men.
Gateway...true. It was the gateway in that she used it to facilitate her A. Her motivation, her choices are what led her to use FB as that gateway when other people just use it to post funny pics and say hi to friends and family. FB isn't the problem. Your WW is.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not going to get anywhere unless you start showing some real consequences.

Facebook is not the problem - your wife is. The fact that you cannot see this after all this time is seriously troubling if you plan on saving your marriage.

Have you filed for divorce yet? Have you exposed the affair to others?!?



Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bh99....

Your wifes' boyfriend....she still in contact with him?

If so....his wife needs to know...have you contacted her with proof of the affair?

Also....if you haven't read the "healing library"....yes the whole thing...please do...

The first thing you need to do is get your wife out of her affair....until that happens - shes just humping your leg...

You are NOT going to "nice guy" her back....crying and begging will now work either......it just isn't very sexy, Bro....

Tell the other guys wife...with proof....get the affair over...

Keep up posted...

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Read it. Memorize it, then implement it. Her defensiveness combined with the large number of men she has blocked send up really large warning flags.

180 brother. Work on you first.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2992 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kick your WW the heck out...
I realize that you said that you make minimum wage..
Have you thought about applying for disability?..People with severe PTSD and severe depression are sick enough to qualify... It is a pain in the butt process because few people are successful with their claims the first time or second time unless they have done their research and know what they are doing.. If you are persistent and have been going to one doctor/therapist all this time he or she will be able to help you...
This may be a viable way to support yourself until your depression is less severe..
And getting your WW's toxic presence out of your day to day life may lift your depression to a less crippling level..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
Brokenhearted99
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The advice here has been timely and spot on. The affair, went underground.

As I last posted, I was granted access to her facebook. This is where she spent her time, with the 3 individuals.

The first individual, has been in and out of my radar since 2007. He was a childhood friend, and stood in on my wedding after my brother missed. In March 2007, we buried her father. He was at the wedding. They had a childhood infatuation growing up that bubbled over into adulthood and they had a chance to have a relationship before I met her. In May 2007, he wrote her an email and said he loved her. I found this email by accident while paying bills... I went to her and she promised to not talk to him anymore.

In the fall of 2008, they reconnected on F.B. and she maintained a friendship with him through casual posts and an occasional messages. It was a year later, I discovered him and found the messages. Again, I asked her to keep him away...she said okay, and of course, a year later, he was there.... At that point, from what I know, she got rid of him.

During our "mock" seperation, in November, when she was telling everyone we were through. This individual was once more on her F.B. wall. This was man #1.

The second man, whom I was orginially concerned about...was in actuality the least of my concerns. This was a stalker friend of hers again from childhood. From the spring of 2012 until last month, he sent her routine messages. Rarely did she respond to them. I asked her to remove him, and she refused or gaslighted me and told me he was the least of our problems in life,(in hindsight, I didn't know what gaslighting was...I have since, become a student of the ploy). I was never really bothered by this person moreover at the behavior. I couldn't for the life of me understand why she kept him around (Again, love is blind..though we see...we can't see until it hits us in the face with a 2x4)..... When I finally got access to her facebook messages and pulled back the door to what was going on to a degree, all of her messages to him were marginally upsetting. She unfriended and blocked him without blinking an eye. She has shared with me, "he was getting on my nerves." If she met the guy on the street, I know she wouldn't have given him a second look.

The issue I have learned about man number two, it blinded me to the real problem, man number 3.

This individual was a summer fling when she was a teenager during a rather happy time in her life. A year later, she would become a teen mom and would have almost no support from family or friends and really struggled to do it on her own.
He is deployed overseas.

On the day of discovery, she sent him a message on F.B and told him have no more contact with her. She blocked him.

I saw the counselor. I updated here, I had access to her f.b..... I was advised here, "it will go underground..."

Over the month I would ask her, "Hey, soldier boy is a man...men like pictures...did you send any pictures of you?" "What was the nature of this? Did you have feelings?" "Are you in contact with him?"

The answers...No/no/no/no.

Yesterday, she left her phone behind by accident and well..what a day it was. Man number 1 called her 3 times alone. He even left a message, "Hey babe...I'm thinking of you."

Man number 3, the affair was indeed underground. She sent nude pictures of herself to him on her birthday. (no wonder, she didn't want to get a cake and celebrate it with the kids and I). He sent her a scathing email several days after he blocked her...upset she blocked him. She "owed" him an explanation apparently as I read that message. She frantically responded back to him over the course of several days... "Please don't be mad at me. I love you. He made me do it. Couldn't you tell...I am here for the kids..." blah blah. She even emailed him on Christmas Day after we opened presents with the kids....


All of these men, were online or phone. None of them live in the area. I have at this time, her phone. With it I have access to all of her emails, messages.everything. On Monday, I see the counselor.

Of course she says, this was her only affair. I don't consdier the other two an affair compared to this. These guys, simply helped her get close to that line.

I feel strong actually. Knowing, helps. I am not crazy. I knew, something was wrong. Thank You for telling me it would go underground, because it did.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hesitate, to move forward with a divorce. I want to spend time with a counselor before I make life changing choices. People, can get better. I am not ready to take that step. If, this continues. I promised myself, one year to work this out. A friend of mine, is a family counselor and pastor. He has seen couples reconcile. It can be done. I have to believe, we can as well.

I know I feel better, because I have the truth, as painful as it is and as ugly as it is


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
trojan007
♂ Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She frantically responded back to him over the course of several days... "Please don't be mad at me. I love you. He made me do it. Couldn't you tell...I am here for the kids..."

Hey buddy you need to wake up... Don't you understand she does not love you and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. You need to start being honest to yourself. It's not going to get any better, because of your actions why would you want to reconcile with someone that is shown you so much disrespect it's unbelievable. You need to file for divorce right now, and do the 180... I don't understand people come on here to get the best advice in the world. From people that's been through the same thing. Sorry that you're going to prolong your pain buddy good luck keep posting


Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don''t usually recommend D but its hard not to in this case.

Brother, it has been lie
upon lie
upon lie
upon lie

The evidence shows she''s been unfaithful for years
She withholds sexton while begging the OM''s forgiveness

I know I feel better, because I have the truth, as painful as it is and as ugly as it is

You do not have all of the information or the whole truth

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:18 AM, January 2nd, 2014 (Thursday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kick her ass out and get a dog. The dog will help your PSTD and depression and be far more loyal and loving. She is abusing you, lying to you and in general treating you like crap over something you cannot control. You can help your depression by doing things like exercising and getting out but you don't get to decide when it comes visiting. I've had issues since I was 13 and this time of year really stinks for it. She has NO right to shame you or blame you for it. If she can't hack it as a caregiver from time to time, she could have just left rather than doing this ugly stuff.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Brokenhearted99
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You for the input, I gather, it would probably be in my best interest to get out.


I am just going to post questions that have continued to ruminate through my head since I first discovered this affair. And I have 3 concerns.

My first concern as I look back, she took a page right out of the wayward spouse playbook. She lied when confronted. Lied when confronted again. Would only agree to the proof I held in my hands and she marginalized that. Everything I do know, she originally lied about. What are the odds, I tied up all of the lose ends on my own? In the real world, probably not very good...

Next. Why him? How do you have an affair and act the way you did, with a one dimensional person? The only history she had with him was wayyy back in 1995/1996 when she was 17/18 and they met a summer camp. They maintained pen pal relationships for 3-6 months. And, that was all she wrote until 18 years later. I know he is overseas, so there hasn't been any contact face to face and he lives on the other side of the country. I think, my gut instinct when I discovered it and I forgot until today, "Why the hell him?" Why would she, drunk sex message a guy, in her drawers and nothing else in our bed while I am tucking our sons in bed across the hall? Why would she tell me she wants a divorce, while she carries on a one dimensional affair with a guy she hasn't talked to since the mid 90s? With no history? Why not a guy you had history with? Someone you knew? Someone you worked with at some point? Someone locally?

Next. She came home on Nov. and said she wanted out of our marriage. This guy, a few hours later, finds her on F.B. and sends her a message and they are friends. 10 days later, she takes off her uniform shirt when she got home from work, climbs into bed and takes a picture of herself in her bra. (I found this picture on New Years Eve) This was one of those, marginalize moments. She said, "He wanted an updated picture of me..." I said, "WTH! Instead of just snapping a self portrait of yourself in your uniform shirt, you chose to climb into our bed, take your shirt off? While I am getting the kids home from school??" Well, she regroups and tries to further marginalize it by saying, "I honestly thought I was wearing my tank top?" No. I recognize the bra, I just washed it with a load of laundry.


I think, my deep rooted concern is: If you will act this way with a one dimensional person, you haven't talked to in 18 years. Someone you entered affair mode within 10 days of meeting him online through F.B. Someone within 2 weeks of meeting sent full on nude pics to, trusting he wouldn't share them with his buddies. Someone you were sex messaging while you were 99 percent undressed across the hall from your 8 and 7 year old son....what would you do, with a person,you had access to?

Or, this affair, had been ongoing when I found it. Meaning (and I have discussed this with her and she denies it happening...of course)... the affair started months ago. She knew, I checked her f.b. messages from time to time. My guts were telling me something was wrong since the spring of 2012. And on the day she said, "I think our marriage is a mistake. I want out." She felt it was okay, to bring him out from under a rock.


These are thoughts, ruminating through my mind. Overall, she is charming and very patient with me. I have access to her emails, phone and F.B. account. I have gone over our cell phone bills for the last two years and the only thing I see is...she used to make a ton of phone calls. She doesn't make them anymore. None of these phone calls were more than 5-10 minutes. Not like she spent hours on the phone with 1 particular number. So, i don't know if there is something in the numbers,I am not seeing.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the greatest amount of respect, what is the point of you posting here?

If you are genuine about your motives for coming here then i humbly suggest you actually start listening to people who are trying to help you! We are on your side. Again, my apologies if you are genuine.

--To sum up some of your questions: The type of person she slept around with doesn't matter. She wanted to screw other people and so she did. If it wasn't those men, then there would be others.

This is what i have been trying to tell you with regards to facebook. You are thinking that she ONLY wants sex with these men, and if you eliminate these men, then your wife will be faithful to you. This is wrong. She has NO respect for you. Consequently whether it is 5 days from now, 5 months, 5 years - she WILL cheat with other men.

Your wife does not want to remain faithful to you. Where do you go from here? THIS IS YOUR STARTING POINT!

Go back and read every post on this page. Each and every single one is offering advice. We are trying to help you! I wish you well.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couples certainly can get better--if they both try. Unfortunately you are bailing water for the both of you. It's time to get in your own lifeboat and save yourself.

Right now you're flailing around in the breakers, getting hit again and again. But you can just stand up and walk out of the surf.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couples certainly can get better--if they both try. Unfortunately you are bailing water for the both of you. It's time to get in your own lifeboat and save yourself.

Right now you're flailing around in the breakers, getting hit again and again. But you can just stand up and walk out of the surf.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there Brokenhearted99. Just read through this thread and wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your kids. Unfortunately I know too what it feels like the moment you decide to let go.

I agree with a lot of what LedZeppelin has said as well as the others. It's time to get up off the floor and fight for yourself and your kids if you haven't already done so. My own story has many of the same elements as yours. Except I didn't see it from a spouse's perspective. I saw much of what you have said from the child's point of view.

Don't feel you have to as it's quite lengthy, but if you want to see my story you can check it out in this Just Found Out section titled Dealing with the Affair 25 years later. I've received some messages that my story has helped some people in their type of situation that shares aspects of your story. I wouldn't expect it to help, but if it does help you in some weird way, power to you.

Stay strong bh99. I'm going to have to start to keep an eye on you.

How are you today? Any updates?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Brokenhearted99
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bundled up the emails between my WS and OM. I sent a bulk emails to the OM's spouses people. I got a message back. The OM FIL, has been provided everything. Is in discussions with family law attorneys, counselors, and other church pastors. This man used to be a pastor. He doesn't know his FIL, in laws, and peers are in the loop. His wife doesn't know. They are going to confront him when they are ready. As a courtesy to me, they will let me know, if what they find out, doesn't gel with what I provided them. I shared this with my spouse and said, "Well. We'll see if your story squares..."

Denial, is part of the grieving processes. My world turned upside down on December 3rd and went over the cliff on December 31. I made a promise to myself to give this at minimum, 1 year before I made any life changes and I aim to keep that. I thought, this was a safe place to come and go through the emotions of grief. I don't want to believe she was capable of 1 affair let alone another if it is so. I want to believe my faithful wife, still remains and she is capable of being truthful. If it isn't so, my heart will in its due time make the necessary changes and live no question remaining. I will be able to sleep with my head on the pillow knowing, I gave it my very all and best. Nor, if what she is saying is the truth...willing to end a 14 year relationship with 3 little kids over this. I honestly feel, if there is more, it will come out through the other parties FIL confronting this man..... I honestly, can not imagine the FIL confronting the husband that cheated on his little girl.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Lalagirl
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Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought, this was a safe place to come and go through the emotions of grief.

It very much is. It is also a place of people who have "been there/done that" and all they are trying to do is help. Human behavior is pretty easy to decipher when your emotions are out of it. I think the people who took the time to respond to you were kind and compassionate - any "2x4" was only because they care.

I don't want to believe she was capable of 1 affair let alone another if it is so. I want to believe my faithful wife, still remains and she is capable of being truthful.

I understand. No one wants to believe it. It friggin hurts beyond belief. And compartmentalizing is easy, especially when you have depression and PTSD - but it does catch up. I've been there.

I wish you well, Brokenhearted, I truly do. And we will always be here for you should you need us...sadly, I think that you will. But I pray for a miracle and your WW becomes truly remorseful and does the hard work to reconcile with you. You gave her one heck of a gift.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in a very hard position, very. My real regrets. I have no particular advice, but do attend the collective of advices. I will say, she seems a risky investment. You wont forget two things; your children need you now and in the future, more than ever. And as you really know, depression can be a fatal disease. You must take care of yourself.Your life is important.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
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