What brought this into the light?
I have a history of a near fatal suicide. As a teenager 27 years ago, in order to escape a decade of abuse and neglect, I went into the woods and aimed a rifle at my heart, and pulled the trigger. I missed my left heart wall by 1/4 of an inch.
As a result, I suffer from PTSD and bouts of depression. As well as occasional ruminating thoughts of suicide. You don't walk away from something like that and not break something inside. Though, I never attempted suicide until this month.
I've overcome homelessness, and one prior marriage that ended in an affair without turning to my old drug of choice.
As I mentioned, I've battled depression since the spring of 2012. Further, the more I educate myself I honestly believe my spouse gaslights me and has been ever since we got married 13 years ago. We lived together for a year before we got married, and I never, ever saw this side. Looking back, she does have an extensive history of lying to me in one degree or another....I should have ran when I had the chance. But, I believe this gaslight effect has hurt my mental health to a degree. Over the years she has called me names in public, shoved me, berated me over small things like forgetting to add fabric softner, not trimming the hedges correctly etc.
As our situation got bad to worse over the last several months, I was hospitalized for depression in August. I was started on medication that zoned me out, and she posted pictures of me asleep with a plate of food in my lap after the meds knocked me out. When I went into the hospital in August my BP was 200/100. She made rude comments at my expense in that picture and some of my shared friends with her, felt terrible she was doing that.
We have been renting a home from a family friend since the summer and we couldn't pay the rent in November. I asked, if she would contact family for assistance, (they are well off)..I started work that month after being off/on work since last fall. I am in sales by trade but as a result of the prolonged depression, lost my "sell or die" attitude.
As I say, 2 Emotional Affairs, that I know of at this moment. (supposedly broken off after I confronted her with the evidence). 1 of the 2 I knew was on her wall and a sore issue for me since the spring of 2012. He frequently sent messages to her and was stalking her. She didn't, "see the big deal about having him around, he was an old friend..." (and here comes the gaslight "..besides, he isn't the problem...you are!"
I felt suffocated. She was rolling me under the bus (and at on another post, I will delve into that) to her friends, and family. They were urging her to leave me for my instability and PTSD. She could do and did no wrong. It should be no problem she can talk with whomever she wants to as long as she doesn't see a problem, and when I confront her...she falls back into, "They aren't the problem...you are for the following reasons..."
The first week of Nov. It suddenly occured to me why she didn't want to ask for help, though they had the money to pay cash for the house we live in and not stress their networth. The money wasn't the issue....she wanted our family, to end into the gutter.
I pleaded with her to ask for help until I started my job. She said, "You know. This isn't working. I've done everything I can to save this marriage!"
I was stunned!! I said, "No Way! What Nonsense, you won't remove this man that you flirted with online in April, that stalks you, sends you routine messages, banters openly with you on F.B infront of me...get rid of him before you make that claim!" Again, "No. I won't. He isn't the problem...you are the problem." I want out she says.
The kids are in the living room and can hear this.
She goes back into our room and proceeds to tell me my PTSD and depression are a tool to manipulate everyone I know. Though, I have seen doctors and have legitimate diagnosis for suffering years of the abuse and losing my life momentarily from a such a violent act and live with those memories.
She was ruthless with me that night.
I like any recovering addict, and suicide, to me was my drug of choice. I wired my brain as a child to escape the emotional trauma of child abuse to fly away through suicide.
I ran downstairs. I took a screen capture of this man, posted it on her wall and said, "F@ this life."
For the first time in 27 years, I strongly considered suicide. I kissed my kids goodbye and ran out the door.
I ran several miles in the middle of the night to a bridge, but I kept going. I know what happens when a person lets go of life and into the depths of death and dying. I knew the moment, I let go..I would regret it.
I ran into the mountains and sat down in the woods for 14 hours and cried, threw rocks, smashed branches and logs against trees. I got it out of my system. I watched the state police helicopter search for me for an hour and a half.
I decided at 4:00 AM to go home. When I got home, she was waiting for me and called the police back. They came and got me, handcuffed me, took me to the hospital.
I spoke to the crisis counselor and ER doc and they wanted to know what triggered this and if I was a treat to myself. I told them I wasn't. Living is my testimony to sobriety over suicide. If I wanted to die, I would have jumped. I have just reached the end of my abilty to cope with what was happening to me. They asked me about her and do you know what the doctor asked me, "Has she told you about the affair yet?"
They released me after an hour. I continue to see my therapist for treatment...
This is where the sex messaging comes into play. During the night, while I was at the hospital, an old friend contacted her through FB to see how she was handling things. SHe was quick to tell her 1,200 friends and mine, I had gone to the bridge to kill myself..
Since that night: I have lost so many friends. Few people will speak to me. My friend is throwing us out of his home. I had to sped Thanksgiving alone,and not one person ever questioned her about what happened that night?
As the weeks passed from that terrible night, she turned to this man. When I found the evidence she rationalized it as my fault for doing what I did that night. Her exact words, "I thought I was going to be a widow.." She replaced me in less than 3 weeks.
I look forward to seeing my counselor. They provide expert witness services in court. Few people, know of the things i have shared here. A few in our social circle, know do, and our in stunned silence at my spouse. She is charming, friendly, high energy, beautiful, everyone's friend and aquaunitance until you cross her or see that side of her and once you do... she distances herself from you.
She takes marital advice from teenagers, divorced people and she entertains a friendship with a woman whos own hubby, had an affair in his church office 1 year after seminary and lost his collar and church...she saved their marriage, but based on what my spouse tells her of me...I'm unworthy to save.
It feels good, to get this stuff off of my chest.