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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I just found out
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Member # 41564
Helpless  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were right.

More lies.

I guess, she feels threatened that the OM's family is going to cooperate with me, and share information if the story I provided, doesn't gel.

Turns out, they didn't go the 20 years without contact and they knew one another in 2010, but they never...talked.

I discovered her yahoo IM. There's a bunch of what looks like spam messages... I confronted her on the phone, she came home and blew me up. Called me names, hostile etc... This is when another drip of truth comes out.

Thanks. I am taking steps to protect myself... I am sorry, it has come to this. I refuse to allow her to speak in such a loathsome, vile manner with me. Blame me for her lies and affair.

I have no where else to just unload... no where. I am strong. I have lived through things that kill an adult inside of 12 minutes. I picked my life up under the sneers and mocking ridicule and scorn and no one asked me, "why" did you shoot youself nearly to death.... because a grown man beat me, locked me in a chair for days and weeks on end. Called me names, humiliated me and I tried to get help. So finally, I took matters into my hands on that night. And when the rifle went off...I realized I was stonger than him.

I am stronger than her.... I love her. She chose to throw it in the dirt, not me. She had to kiss a bunch of frogs to find me....

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
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Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.

Believe me, we don't want to be right.

We're here for you - sound off all you need to. This is one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

What is your plan now, Brokenhearted? I really think at this point it would be good to separate. This is tearing you apart and NC=no new hurts.

Again, I am very sorry.

Sending strength...

Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5136 | Registered: May 2007
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Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude I. So sorry your in this situation....

But please DO not make excuses for her affairs, or make out one is worse than the orpther or, my friend you are in fact gas lighting yourself.

They are all bad...They are all lies...there is no "degree of severity" where infidelity is considered.

Read up on the 180... You have proven you are strong and can make good decisions.... You don't need get...

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
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Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Brokenhearted99:

I'm so sorry to hear about your tragic story. To have survived a suicide attempt and to live through the agony and pain of a WW who blatantly is cheating on you in front of you is too much to take.

However the manner in which you exposed in several steps has only driven your WW's affairs underground further. To obtain the most punch, it is best to expose all at the same time. You have confronted her several times and she still reverts back to her same old ways.

Have you heard of Dr Harley? He publishes a book and website called Marriage Builders. It is built upon Christian foundations of building marriages after affairs. I suggest you go and read his book. Especially Plan B. Plan B is a method for ending an affair in the case of a wayward that doesn't want to stop. However keep in mind that Harley's Plan B is incredibly difficult to implement and requires almost no direct communication between you and your WW.

I would go one step further and go see a divorce attorney. Since you have a mental illness (PTSD) and have attempted suicide in the past, you have a grounds for securing alimony payments from your WW. This mental illness however may impact you negatively when it comes to child custody. The biggest thing you can do at this point is to shock her with the threat of divorce. She is so deep in the fog that the only thing that may scare her back into the marriage is being served with divorce papers. You may or may not decide to continue the divorce proceedings once she is served, but it may help snap her out of the fog.

Don't bother wasting your time checking on her phones, emails, or activities any longer. Stand up for yourself and HAVE SOME BALLS. She is treating you like a POS and walking all over you.

I'm so sorry you are here. Keep posting and we will continue to provide advice.

Sending you peace and strength.........Kali

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Last I posted, I forwarded all information I had regarding the OM to his in-laws. I know, at some point they confronted him with the evidence.

Last summer, the two of us were invited to CA for a wedding. We live on the east coast. My MIL, opted to pay for her plane ticket and other expenses, but excluded me. Someone, needed to watch the kids.

In the wake of her affair, two months discovery day, while attending our son and daughter's combined birthdays my MIL was discussing this trip. When we left, I said to her, "I just found your relationship with all of the ugliness. You're seriously not going, are you?" At that point, it was a struggle to go more than 4-6 hours without hearing, or seeing her. I couldn't imagine not seeing or hearing from her for a week. It was much to soon and fresh at the time and it brought the grief so easily out of me. At first, she hesitated, we argued for about an hour, not very long and she said, "Okay, I won't go."

Honestly, I banished the thought from my mind. I never considered it again. I was in the pre Discovery Day mind set of simply believing my wife at face value, "You say you aren't going, well okay, you aren't going."

March, turned to April. I asked her to be transparent with me. I asked her to be honest with me about what she was doing with the OM. I knew, early on in our relationship 15 years ago, she was very conversational about past relationships. I didn't have to dig, or pry for the details surrounding their relationship. However when it came to the OM, it was always very brief...or yes or no. Mostly, lots, and lots of no's... In fact, I can only think of one or two yeses compared to the abundance of no-s.

Her tablet was broken for over a year, and we got the money to fix it. When it came back from the manufacturer she synched it with her email and other accounts. In April we went to my MIL for Easter. We were having brunch with her mom, and some of her distant relatives. She wanted to show her mother some pictures and turned on the tablet. Our kids, were eager to play games on the tablet and ran behind us and were standing directly behind me as if they were carnivores stalking live prey as they wanted to be the first to play games.

As my wife scrolled pictures to find the certain image she wanted her mom to see, out of the corner of my eye, I saw very, graphic images. Though, I found a few pictures on New Years Eve..(These were taken during the affair. I discovered them about a month after D-Day)...these new images were far more graphic. She jumped up and ran out of the dinning room. I followed after her with this, "WTH?" I asked you to please tell me everything you did. This way, it would've prepared me for the shock and awe moment seeing you in these images. You were dressed in provactive, lingerie and you have refused over the years to wear them for me. She told me she didn't tell me about them because she never sent them. She was very self-conscious about her body image in the pictures. I could tell by the time stamps that after the more graphic images, there were no more pictures taken. For whatever reason they were auto saved. I guess, I don't know if pics are just auto saved on Gmail or if they are auto saved if you transmit them to social media or emails. It was important to me to believe she never sent the full frontal nudity pics out. I wanted to hold onto as much as possible that was for my eyes only. Perhaps I am wrong? Perhaps this is another lie? I mean, if you take a pic, but don't send it, is the pic automatically backed up or do you have to send it. If I take a picture with my camera phone of my dog scratching himself but never send it, would Gmail, just save the pic already? Or, would I have to post the pic on social media, or emal it to someone?

I picked myself up off the ground. She told me that was all and we moved on. IN April, I went back to work, of sorts. I am a car salesman by trade and GM is falling apart due to the many recalls and it killed business. I struggled to keep my head in the game. I was hurting very badly inside and the depression was and is severe. But, I managed to commute 1,500 miles every two weeks for work (We live in a rural city and the economy is very bad here. There are only 4 car lots and none of them were hiring so I had to drive 80 miles one way to work, but it felt good to be providing once more and working to put the parts back inside of myself)

I remained, optimistic we can overcome this. I had my bouts of jealousy, doubts she is lying to me because it doesn't feel natural..the story of how the truth is to her... but I am tired of busted families. I grew up in one, and my first marriage went the way of infidelity.

A few weeks ago, I saw the writing on the wall. I had a good July, I sold 7 units and made some coin. In August, hero-to-zero. I sold, 1 unit. You can't keep your job performing like that. I knew, I would need to find a new store, and I just didn't care for GM. One afternoon, shortly before my birthday on Aug. 21 I was texting her about cutting my losses and leaving the GM store and find perhaps an import, good fuel mileage, and affordable car..blah blah...normal, everyday banter.

She replies, "You can take a week off and rest while I am gone to CA."

I paused, "What? You told me you weren't going to go?!? You told me you would tell your mom, 6 months ago, you weren't going to go?!?" "WTH am I supposed to do with the kids?!? We don't know anyone in this crummy city except 1, 18 year old kid who doesn't drive and is only fit to watch the kids while we go out to dinner for a couple of hours or maybe 1 or 2 days during summer vacation. She isn't fit for the task... I am not going to be away over 80 miles away in a city where we have no family, and no friends, and you in CA and the kids by themselves. Someone, we know, or family need to have immediate access in the case of an emergency. It takes me 90 minutes to get back to the city. (We are planning on moving at the beginning of the new year back home and out of this city I moved to last summer for work that never materialized)

No answer, other than, "Sorry"

She hid this from me. She had every intention on going. Her desire, is a very reasonable one. I know she is going with her sister and mother. Her father passed away very suddenly in 07 and she misses him. That's the problem with affairs... the husband, that loves her wants this for her. But, this fractured, wounded OMG WTH did you do, side of me wants her home with the kids and me.

I am deeply worried she thought this was a good idea to keep this from me. I am worried, she can sleep and look at me in the eyes living like this. All she says is she's sorry. She on a few occasions attempted to call her mom and cancel. Once her mom got pissed at her because she is out $450 for a plane ticket. But, I told her to not bother. I was like, "What's the point?" I shouldn't have to brow beat you to do the right thing, be honest, transparent with me or live up to the things you say you're going to do. I asked you to be honest, you haven't. I asked you to have no further contact with the OM, and you didn't.

She was planning on making child care aggaingments without my knowledge. She says she is going to go to counseling once we get settled back home and she can have a long term relationship with the counselor. I've asked her to have an accountability partner, someone that's a friend to the marriage, someone that would maintain her confidence, and someone wise, she respects. We agreed on a pastor friend's wife we've known for about 6 years. Over the couple of weeks before the trip, when I asked her if she made contact she hadn't. Out of the blue, my friend's wife, just touched base with her through F.b. (The pastor and his wife are aware of what happened up until the end of Dec. This other stuff, they are unaware of. I sent my friend an email this morning because I am home alone with no one to talk to for the next week. The kids go to school and I am home alone. I will clean house, write on my book, and watch some television, walk the dog and get some air).

I guess, I am just writing, to vent. I know the answer to my question without asking. My heart aches. She isn't sorry. She isn't empathetic and remains in denial. She doesn't seem committed and only pays lip service to it when the lifting is needed, like deny herself a trip. Admit to what she was doing, when no one was looking, remain accountable to myself and people who genuinely love her and would give her honest advice.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
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Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother the only thing you can do now is give her the divorce papers. There is no more "I want to work on this relationship" she is cake eating and disrespecting you. Every time you confront her with more truth she blows up. You do not deserve that and she does not deserve more chances.

She is lying to you if she says she has not had sex with any of the other men. Just keep that in mind.

You must stand up for yourself and your children.

Tell her to leave don't take no for an answer.

You must not leave the home you need to take care of your kids.

You have been given good advice please take it don't wait to see what happens. As you have seen we already know what happens.

Take the advice put it into practice and let go of the outcome of your marriage.

Do it today.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
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