Passive aggressive silent treatment is abuse, particularly when it's delivered as a response to me trying to get us to work towards R, as I'm starting to learn. I know it takes two people to make it work. He says he wants to make it work. His actions are hookers and secrets and lies and sparing the feelings of OW but not giving a fuck about my feelings, but oh he still wants it to work. I've been sick for months dealing with this, I'm failing my class in grad school because I can't focus on the work, I'm late for work most days because I either can't sleep and am up too late, or because I can't wake up when I do sleep, on the weekends I sleep for 13 or 14 hours at a time, my internal clock is so messed up. All I eat is crap food, I forget to eat, or a binge on junk food. I have headaches all the time, I feel sick all the time. I've allowed his treatment of me to make me sick, and I'm tired of it.
Either way sucks. If he dumps OW to stay in the marriage he'll resent me for years. If he owns up to hookers etc. then we'll have to deal with all that, which sucks. If he doesn't own up to it all, or dump OW, we'll have to get divorced, which sucks.
It all fucking sucks.
Gosh, you been at this a while. Your join date is a few months before my Dday. Know this, if it falls apart there is life on the other side. I'm divorced almost 2 years and it sucks a little less each day.
Strength to you tomorrow!
So I guess that's what the conversation is about tomorrow, going mono, dumping OW for good, committing to us, admitting to hookers etc (really I still don't get this part of it). Because if he dumps OW, admits to wrongdoings voluntarily (he doesn't know that I know, and I can actually get over it believe it or not, but I can't get over my partner keeping secrets from me), goes mono, and commits, then maybe we can move forward. But the last half a year has just been a mess for me. And now it's like I want to throw and break things out of frustrating from sheer lack of resolution, but I'm too stressed out and depressed to actually do it and when I get the bullshit silent treatment (which seems to happen every month for a week or three at a time anymore) my OCD goes into overdrive. So I eat bad food and smoke instead. Really healthy, I know Really I would probably be better off if he refuses my last ditch efforts so that I can get this over with and move on. I am in IC and I think my counselor is baffled as to why I haven't left already.
Really we have such a great relationship if only we could communicate, trust, commit... oh. But seriously he's very sweet, attractive, buys me little things, is affectionate (when he isn't doing the passive aggressive thing), charming, does stuff for me, but god forbid I challenge him on anything or call attention to the Really Big Things that need changing, then he freaks out and can't deal with it. So tired of walking on eggshells and being "patient." I've been patient for 5.5 years!
I should go to sleep so I don't end up as some pathetic crying mess tomorrow. I had corn chips and chocolate milk for dinner. WTF.
Really we have such a great relationship if only we could...
It sounds like he gives enough crumbs to keep you from pulling the trigger. Please re-read your description of how you are doing. Read it as if someone else wrote it.
What advise would you give them?
((((polygal)))) I hope you get whatever it is you need from tomorrow's meeting. And I really hope that no matter what tomorrow brings, you start living YOUR life for YOU.
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox