We had friends over for dinner yesterday, and afterwards, WH said it was difficult pretending to be normal, and instead being fake with friends, and that it was going to be weird, having to pretend during our upcoming family Christmas. Yeah, ya think? He can thank his penis for that.
Disclosing to our friends and family would have made gatherings very awkward if we're still together. It's best for me to not have them know.
I figure if we D, then I can disclose the reasons and all the details to everyone.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:32 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
I was tired of keeping his and the OW's secret (she was my friend and an integral part of my social group). I didn't think it was fair that I had to bear the burden of that knowledge, that I was the one not participating in activities for fear of encountering her, that WH got to have an affair AND keep his reputation as an upstanding guy, while I sat at home and cried, that OW and her husband might get to control the narrative for our friends, and so forth.
So I told the entire sordid story from beginning to end, as dispassionately as I could. I didn't give TMI about too much of the sexual stuff, but I also didn't leave anything out.
It's funny, because this is the one action everyone on SI tells you not to do. But it was one of the only really good decisions I made in the aftermath of the affair, maybe even the best decision I made.
I can't tell you how freeing it was to not have to "pretend" or carry someone else's shame and bad behavior around for them. It was just a great relief to be able to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, no matter what the consequences were for any of us.
I'm sure there were people who thought it was too much drama on my part, because they can't stand to hear anything bad about the world (Pollyanna types). I say, fuck them. It's not my job in life anymore to keep nasty shameful secrets just because they might disrupt someone's pleasant life facade. I have done that for 10 years, and the only thing that ever happened is that I internalized the ugliness and it ate me up on the inside. The only people who ever benefited from my secret-keeping were the fainting-couch Pollyanna types and the ones who were relying on the keeping of secrets to continue being selfish assholes.
I also know that there were people who were so disgusted by my WH's behavior that they basically don't consider him a friend anymore, and I know he lost reputation with many others. This is the price of doing business with regard to an affair.
I have no idea what people think about OW or her husband after my revelations. I haven't tried to find out, and I basically don't care. If they want to be friends with that whore and her polyamourous enabler, I can't stop them. It's their soul. But at least now they're not choosing to be her friend under false pretenses.
Also, a number of my friends came out of the woodwork to let me privately know that they had had a similar situation. I got a lot of social support because I outed him - social support I would not have had if I hadn't, because they wouldn't have known what was going on with me.
Anyway, I think it depends on your situation, and how you interact with your friends and family. But for me, it was the right thing to do, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was the first time that I actually felt empowered and good and free of his crap after finding out about the affair.
After that, I told a couple more trusted friends and my parents. I asked my SAWH to tell his mother. I was lucky in some respects because my dd coincided with school breaks so I was able to stay under cover and not have to interact with the "general public." I had to reveal to a friend with whom I was working on a big project…I was not pulling my weight, not acting myself. I felt I needed to come clean. She actually was a great help to me…she convinced me to get on antidepressants. I also needed some advice from people who had BTDT so I asked a few of those types of friends. I am SO glad I did…I got very good advice.
It is true that you must be very wise about with whom you share this. But at the same time, you must recognize that you have to have someone to talk with about it. My friends have been a real source of strength for me. I've learned a lot, they have said all of the right things but also the things that I needed to hear.
Remember - YOU have done nothing wrong.
Once we separated I told everyone and I told them why. At this point the only people who don't know the truth are my kids. And probably his family members.
Dealing with the superficial consolation from somebody that has never been there would suck and if we reconcile, we still have to be with those people who know. Awkward.
DH told his brother and his BFF. And of course, the OW!
I have not told my parents as my hope is that we will get to a point that we are trying to R...I don't think my dad will ever forgive him...like ever...so I don't want to tell him unless it's necessary.
[This message edited by jjsr at 11:36 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
In the last six or seven weeks, I've told ten close friends who have reason to need to be aware of ow and what she's done before, during and most importantly after the A. Only three of these people have zero contact with her and live out of town. Telling friends and getting that support after so long enduring this in silence has been the most freeing, wonderful thing in this entire ordeal.
In some regards I am glad I didn't tell people early on. I have better perspective and understanding six months out from DDay, and the harassment by ow is much more obvious these days, which helps in the telling of our story.
I strongly advocate telling at least a few key people. Suffering this alone with no support can destroy you and your marriage even more than the A. One of the people who worked out what I was dealing with has been living in the aftermath of her husband's A for ten years, and she's never properly dealt with it. She is in a much worse place than I am, only six months out. And she has kept it locked up, speaking to only two people in those ten years.
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
Love this...but still not that brave...worried about what could he if things go right.
Love this...but still not that brave...worried about what could be If things go right.
[This message edited by ladycody at 9:10 PM, December 8th, 2013 (Sunday)]
I still plan on telling the betrayed other woman but I still do not have the contact information I need.
Other than that, I plan on telling no one
[This message edited by bobf at 9:06 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
To this very day her mother and brother do not believe my story.
It was not the A part which led me to the decision for the D, rather it was the diabolical planning and cunningness, enough, not to trust this person anymore.
I talk to my mother multiple time each day, and she lives two blocks away. She also adores my husband, and I don't want to jeopardize my reconciliation with my husband with her feeling hatred towards him.
I feel alone in my pain a lot of the time, but I'm working on leaning on my WH as we struggle through this.
Some days out of sheer bitterness I want to tell all the mutual friends of me and the AP about it, but our MC actually advised on keeping the circle as small as possible. While I don't have support for the infidelity per se, I do have plenty of friends, and have reached out and made some new ones. Part of our rationale for keeping it low key is that there are kids involved on both sides, and I don't want to tell ours until he is older. So, I feel like the fewer people who know, the better. I don't think it is a matter of shame, and H has actually encouraged me to tell whoever I need. But honestly, I can only handle so much "help," anyway. We have a great MC, and H and I have really leaned on each other.
I edit, therefore I am.