Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I was worried that people knowing would make it harder, but it actually didn't. It makes it easier for us to talk openly about our lives, not having to feel like it's a big secret. If people know about it, fine. We don't make it common knowledge, but word has spread. For the most part, people seem very, very supportive of us. They have their own 'stuff'. The more open we are about it, the less interesting it is for others to talk about.
I feel like Nick Nolte in The Prince of Tides.
And it has had approximatley the same effect.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
Oh yeah, I also asked my hairdresser for the name of a good divorce attorney. She made her own assumptions.
But my BF guessed what was implied. But that has also caused heartache. I have tried calling her a few times when I was really depressed but she has lost my respect and true friendship. And I am not one to share my burden. I went months without even talking to her because I didn't want to talk bad about my H. I felt it was between us. But she finally one day said tell me what's been going on. I replied marriage is hard sometimes. Last I really heard from her other than liking my FB pix and including me in newsy group text
All summer we spend every Thurs night through Sunday am with my sister and SIL at their beach house. There were so many days I was raw this summer. But I never told them- long story, but it was so it wouldn't get back to my H's work. So there were many weekends they just thought I was a total bitch. Ha I wanted to scream that guy you think is so great. Let me tell you about his 6 year EA and his months PA.
But I gotta say its hard not having support other than from my H
Perhaps a look at my timeline for telling people will be helpful:
August - found about about texting/phone calls - I told a close friend/co-worker
Mid-August - she told a mutual friend about the texting/phone calls and the other friend said I was jealous - they no longer felt I was jealous when I explained how much texting/phone calls
End of August - She got a little tipsy and told me that "I'm done with you, I'm done with us, I want a divorce" in front of some friends - I had to fill in a few details. I also told my family and best friend at this point. I couldn't deal with it alone (for the most part) any longer.
September - After being assured there was no contact beyond what was absolutely necessary for a charity event they were involved in together - I found out they went to dinner together and told several people at her birthday party (that she had the audacity to invite him too until I put a stop to it). This backfired and she used it as an excuse for her behavior. "I can't be married to someone that would hurt me like that." And, "I was ready to work on our marriage until I found out you told people". Both statements are total BS.
November - I find out she has been and is continuing to go to his house/ rental house/ houseboat - I kept it to myself except for my best friend and family. I've threatened exposure, but that doesn't help anything either.
I've asked on this forum, and I've received mixed results. I've read around online in other places, and I've found the same thing. Honestly, I think it varies from situation to situation.
If I had it to do over again, I would have told her family, my family, all of our friends, and her boss in August. I also would have demanded 100% NC at that point instead of letting her finish the charity project she was working on. It is my opinion, FWIW, that immediate exposure is the best way to go. If you drag your feet like I did and "trickle expose" it just gives them time to get their story worked out and put the affair under ground. I was worried about her reputation and driving her away at first. Now, I can see that by not shedding the light of day on it, all I did was allow the A to pull her further out of the marriage.
Sorry for the long post, but I sincerely hope that it provides help to you or someone else reading it.
Me: BH (56)
Her: WS (48)
Married: 10 years
2 children: son - 8; daughter - 5
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad
after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
The second time (same OW) I told My Mom, sisters I have 6, my Dad, some friends and some cousins I am close to. And her husband!! (should have told the husband the fist time) Might have saved myself some years of pain. Maybe not!
Now I believe he cheated again. (even though I believe I caught it early) Embarrassed to tell anyone.
My Mom has been my rock through all of everything I have been through! My friend has been a great listener and puts her two cents in good and bad! I would not change not telling them.
I also went on to her page from his and starting postin under each of her pictures. One of them, she was sitting on her motorcycle and I wrote "what else is between your legs? Oh yea! My husband's penis!" then I signed my name. Jackass.
ALL his co-workers saw it. ALL his family saw it. ALL my family saw it. ALL the moms from my daughter's extra curricular activity saw it. Good. It brought it out of the dark. He couldn't gaslight me and justify anymore when everyone was looking at him going "what the HELL are you thinking?? And with HER?!? Don't you KNOW about her??"
It was horrible and freeing at the same time. And I would definitely do it again. I think it brought fWS out of the fog quicker when he couldn't ignore EVERYONE (he easily ignored me and what I said to him. I was an idiot at that time and didn't know her like *he* knew her).
Sad thing is I guess the whole town knows what a piece of shit she and her husband were. The whole town but us, because I didn't even know.
That being said, if it ever happens again, I will blow the effing lid off the whole thing. I will burn the village to the shoreline.
So mostly it's all you fine folks at SI here and my IC and MC. My depression and difficulties functioning post DDay were obvious, so my boss and my friends know I'm dealing with a personal issue. I have told a few friends I'm having marriage problems but I am not more specific than that. It's likely some assumptions have been made.
The first person I actually told about the A was my MIL. I'm close to her, and I knew she would be willing to see both sides without cutting WH any slack.
My BIL (and probably his wife by extension) knows as well. This is the source of some controversy. On DDay one of the emails from OW said, "Your brother already knows about me and I'm sure he doesn't care." So when I emailed my MIL I mentioned that BIL might have known, resulting in a conversation between BIL and MIL about the A.
WH is still upset about the fact that I "dragged" his brother "into this." I think he's upset about losing face in front of his younger brother. I am of the opinion that he dragged BIL into this the moment he decided to take OW to dinner on the Saturday after Valentine's Day at the restaurant where BIL waits tables!
MIL says that BIL described OW as "some dumpy blonde."
If R doesn't work out though, I am telling everybody. My friends, my family, his friends, all the many people at my job who knows WH... If the M fails I want everybody to know whose fault it was.
My husband never tried to stop me, he always just said "whatever you need"
I think he was pretty ashamed but I didn't care.
I did nothing wrong.
If you look at us now and the way we have fought, healed and worked anyone to judge would be an idiot.
You do what you need and never feel shame for that which you have no control over.
Slowly I began to talk to a few trusted friends about it. While none of them urged me to leave him, one was very frank and told me that he was very likely to cheat again under the circumstances I had named.
Then I had a sort of D-Day #2, more disclosure than what he had told me a month earlier and after that more TT.
When I came home and told him that he had given me STD's, he moved out. At that point, I realized that we were never getting back together and that it was time to let the cat out of the bag.
Honestly, after I had told my boss and coworkers in my dept., it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I was able to smile and get through the day relatively normally as opposed to feeling like I was struggling all day not to cry.
In the beginning I thought I'd die of shame if anybody knew the truth. I still feel ashamed sometimes, but reading the "I Can Relate" forum on Spouses of Sex Addicts is a comfort because there are so many others who are experiencing the same thing or have been there. With a SA for a spouse, there's no "outing" the OW...it's usually multiple OW's, sometimes total strangers, and other embarrassing sordid details like the sexual partners being underage, for example.
I don't go around shouting to the world that my husband cheated on me with teenage girls or that he gave me STD's, but I remind myself for those who do know that I am not responsible for any of that and he should bear the shame and guilt, not me.
I should add that I do think immediate exposure is best if you're going to do it (see my previous post on this thread). Trickling like I did only gives them time to follow behind you.
[This message edited by RealityStinks at 3:59 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]