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User Topic: who did you tell?
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who didn't I tell would be a smaller list. I exposed far and wide. Family, friends, etc. I wanted to break that fog.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boss ( I was at work when I found out) and two good friends. I told him if he ever cheated on me again I would tell anyboby who would listen that he fucks prostitutes. He is terrified of his mom and girls ever finding out.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH told my dad before he told me - he wanted me to have support. We told our kids, his mom, my mom. I told about four friends. I told our pastor. We gave our children full permission to tell anyone they needed to, to talk about it with anyone they felt they wanted to, and only asked them to respect that it was painful for us and to choose wisely.

I was worried that people knowing would make it harder, but it actually didn't. It makes it easier for us to talk openly about our lives, not having to feel like it's a big secret. If people know about it, fine. We don't make it common knowledge, but word has spread. For the most part, people seem very, very supportive of us. They have their own 'stuff'. The more open we are about it, the less interesting it is for others to talk about.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and we also told our younger children's teachers, and the school principal, so that we could be sure our kids would have support if they started to appear to be struggling.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noone.

I feel like Nick Nolte in The Prince of Tides.

And it has had approximatley the same effect.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one. My friend guessed and I confirmed it. That's all.

Oh yeah, I also asked my hairdresser for the name of a good divorce attorney. She made her own assumptions.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2011
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told my sister. That's it.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
knolls
♀ Member
Member # 39242
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told no one but my MD-depression

But my BF guessed what was implied. But that has also caused heartache. I have tried calling her a few times when I was really depressed but she has lost my respect and true friendship. And I am not one to share my burden. I went months without even talking to her because I didn't want to talk bad about my H. I felt it was between us. But she finally one day said tell me what's been going on. I replied marriage is hard sometimes. Last I really heard from her other than liking my FB pix and including me in newsy group text

All summer we spend every Thurs night through Sunday am with my sister and SIL at their beach house. There were so many days I was raw this summer. But I never told them- long story, but it was so it wouldn't get back to my H's work. So there were many weekends they just thought I was a total bitch. Ha I wanted to scream that guy you think is so great. Let me tell you about his 6 year EA and his months PA.

But I gotta say its hard not having support other than from my H


I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question I struggled with for a long time, and that I honestly struggle with to some degree now.

Perhaps a look at my timeline for telling people will be helpful:
August - found about about texting/phone calls - I told a close friend/co-worker

Mid-August - she told a mutual friend about the texting/phone calls and the other friend said I was jealous - they no longer felt I was jealous when I explained how much texting/phone calls

End of August - She got a little tipsy and told me that "I'm done with you, I'm done with us, I want a divorce" in front of some friends - I had to fill in a few details. I also told my family and best friend at this point. I couldn't deal with it alone (for the most part) any longer.

September - After being assured there was no contact beyond what was absolutely necessary for a charity event they were involved in together - I found out they went to dinner together and told several people at her birthday party (that she had the audacity to invite him too until I put a stop to it). This backfired and she used it as an excuse for her behavior. "I can't be married to someone that would hurt me like that." And, "I was ready to work on our marriage until I found out you told people". Both statements are total BS.

November - I find out she has been and is continuing to go to his house/ rental house/ houseboat - I kept it to myself except for my best friend and family. I've threatened exposure, but that doesn't help anything either.

I've asked on this forum, and I've received mixed results. I've read around online in other places, and I've found the same thing. Honestly, I think it varies from situation to situation.

If I had it to do over again, I would have told her family, my family, all of our friends, and her boss in August. I also would have demanded 100% NC at that point instead of letting her finish the charity project she was working on. It is my opinion, FWIW, that immediate exposure is the best way to go. If you drag your feet like I did and "trickle expose" it just gives them time to get their story worked out and put the affair under ground. I was worried about her reputation and driving her away at first. Now, I can see that by not shedding the light of day on it, all I did was allow the A to pull her further out of the marriage.

Sorry for the long post, but I sincerely hope that it provides help to you or someone else reading it.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first, when there was a chance of R, only my dearest friend.
When he resumed his A, I told more people.
When he left me for Shrek, well now I tell anybody and everybody. And if it is someone that used to respect him, I show them her picture and video footage of her flirting with the cute neighbor that lives underneath them (cough ahem, LOL, I mean the PI I hired to get proof of A).


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Submerged
♂ New Member
Member # 18275
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm in the minority here. I haven't told anyone other than the counselors I have seen during these past 6 years. I'm a very private person and for me, it's just not anyone else's business. I wouldn't want my pain to cause anyone else pain. It's bad enough she hurt me; I wouldn't want what she did to hurt someone else. I'm not saying what anyone else should or shouldn't do, only what I did and why.


Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies. -- Oscar Wilde

Me: BH (56)
Her: WS (48)
D-Day: 12/9/07
Married: 10 years
2 children: son - 8; daughter - 5


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in his anger after D-Day, my boyfriend outed me to everyone on his facebook and anyone who would listen. Not saying I didn't deserve that, but it really isn't anyones business, and should we R, I probably can't ever face his family again


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first time I found out I told my Mom, one sister and one of my closest friends.

The second time (same OW) I told My Mom, sisters I have 6, my Dad, some friends and some cousins I am close to. And her husband!! (should have told the husband the fist time) Might have saved myself some years of pain. Maybe not!

Now I believe he cheated again. (even though I believe I caught it early) Embarrassed to tell anyone.

My Mom has been my rock through all of everything I have been through! My friend has been a great listener and puts her two cents in good and bad! I would not change not telling them.


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012
niaveone
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like TheGarden, I told EVERYONE on his FB and her FB. I posted on his FB page exactly what he did. My fWS would act one way to people and another way to me. He volunteered, made $$ for charities, etc...all while putting me in my place and justifying screwing around on me. It was horrible. I found out about the affair at 11:30 at night. By 12:30; I had his FB page up with a new password so he could not get into it and I posted exactly what he did and who he did it with. I figured the affair blossomed in the darkness, there was no way in hell I was letting it stay there with all the lies and sneaky actions they were doing.

I also went on to her page from his and starting postin under each of her pictures. One of them, she was sitting on her motorcycle and I wrote "what else is between your legs? Oh yea! My husband's penis!" then I signed my name. Jackass.

ALL his co-workers saw it. ALL his family saw it. ALL my family saw it. ALL the moms from my daughter's extra curricular activity saw it. Good. It brought it out of the dark. He couldn't gaslight me and justify anymore when everyone was looking at him going "what the HELL are you thinking?? And with HER?!? Don't you KNOW about her??"

It was horrible and freeing at the same time. And I would definitely do it again. I think it brought fWS out of the fog quicker when he couldn't ignore EVERYONE (he easily ignored me and what I said to him. I was an idiot at that time and didn't know her like *he* knew her).

Sad thing is I guess the whole town knows what a piece of shit she and her husband were. The whole town but us, because I didn't even know.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell anyone. I knew I wanted to try to reconcile and my family is not the forgiving type. We hold grudges. Forever. Her family would just have assumed I did something to deserve it....all women in her family, and all cheaters.

That being said, if it ever happens again, I will blow the effing lid off the whole thing. I will burn the village to the shoreline.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only reason I haven't told his family s because he has ALWAYS had issues with self worth...and it's a result of his youth (if you knew his childhood it would make sense). The one thing he's probably done right in their minds is marry me...cause it straightened him out and he has a small modicom of respect from them as a result. Despite what he's done...I do care for him and wouldn't add to the pain that his parents have heaped on him....not if we're going to make it work. Even if we don't...I'd like to think I'd restrain myself and stick to facts without bashing...they can bash on their own. It helps that we never had a crappy or volatile marriage...we've been basically good together. Don't get me wrong... I still can't say I'd be as even keeled if it happens again. I'd be out for sure...but he would have to hope and pray for me to take the high road...cause I will be three steps past sideways if he does this again.


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the present time I'm keeping this pretty close to the vest. I want to give WH a chance to R but I know that if I told my friends and family they would never forgive him. And frankly as much as I know it's not my fault, it's embarrassing. People automatically want to assume BS wasn't providing something within the M, which is total garbage.

So mostly it's all you fine folks at SI here and my IC and MC. My depression and difficulties functioning post DDay were obvious, so my boss and my friends know I'm dealing with a personal issue. I have told a few friends I'm having marriage problems but I am not more specific than that. It's likely some assumptions have been made.

The first person I actually told about the A was my MIL. I'm close to her, and I knew she would be willing to see both sides without cutting WH any slack.

My BIL (and probably his wife by extension) knows as well. This is the source of some controversy. On DDay one of the emails from OW said, "Your brother already knows about me and I'm sure he doesn't care." So when I emailed my MIL I mentioned that BIL might have known, resulting in a conversation between BIL and MIL about the A.

WH is still upset about the fact that I "dragged" his brother "into this." I think he's upset about losing face in front of his younger brother. I am of the opinion that he dragged BIL into this the moment he decided to take OW to dinner on the Saturday after Valentine's Day at the restaurant where BIL waits tables!

MIL says that BIL described OW as "some dumpy blonde."

If R doesn't work out though, I am telling everybody. My friends, my family, his friends, all the many people at my job who knows WH... If the M fails I want everybody to know whose fault it was.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was bat shit crazy and I told everyone.

My husband never tried to stop me, he always just said "whatever you need"

I think he was pretty ashamed but I didn't care.

I did nothing wrong.

If you look at us now and the way we have fought, healed and worked anyone to judge would be an idiot.

You do what you need and never feel shame for that which you have no control over.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first, I told no one except my congregation elders. I felt that if we reconciled, I would never be able to live with other people knowing.

Slowly I began to talk to a few trusted friends about it. While none of them urged me to leave him, one was very frank and told me that he was very likely to cheat again under the circumstances I had named.

Then I had a sort of D-Day #2, more disclosure than what he had told me a month earlier and after that more TT.

When I came home and told him that he had given me STD's, he moved out. At that point, I realized that we were never getting back together and that it was time to let the cat out of the bag.

Honestly, after I had told my boss and coworkers in my dept., it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I was able to smile and get through the day relatively normally as opposed to feeling like I was struggling all day not to cry.

In the beginning I thought I'd die of shame if anybody knew the truth. I still feel ashamed sometimes, but reading the "I Can Relate" forum on Spouses of Sex Addicts is a comfort because there are so many others who are experiencing the same thing or have been there. With a SA for a spouse, there's no "outing" the OW...it's usually multiple OW's, sometimes total strangers, and other embarrassing sordid details like the sexual partners being underage, for example.

I don't go around shouting to the world that my husband cheated on me with teenage girls or that he gave me STD's, but I remind myself for those who do know that I am not responsible for any of that and he should bear the shame and guilt, not me.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

threeyearfool -
I've told more people than you have, but only a very select few all the details. If the WW doesn't want to R, I am mulling over the idea of a blind-copy email to everyone we know with ALL the details about why we D. This would be done the day the D is final.

I should add that I do think immediate exposure is best if you're going to do it (see my previous post on this thread). Trickling like I did only gives them time to follow behind you.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 3:59 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 49
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