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User Topic: who did you tell?
New Member
Member # 41389
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my 2 BFFs first. We had a conference call in the middle of the night. True friends. I also told my therapist.

I had received a phone call from OW earlier that night.

Then WH told his friend only because OW made it sound like they were all cozy friends.

Come to find out last week after some of WH's friends were over, that they also knew of OW.

I didn't exactly thank them for hiding it from me. I wish I had known years ago. They have shown that they are not true friends.

Married 11 years. Together for 14
Female, age 40. WH is 47.
DD, aged 6
Found out about affair November 1, 2013
Info is only trickling in :-( it was a long affair.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my most important people at first (last year, when I found the sexting pics he emailed himself):
-My mom (and therefore my dad, though we never actually had a conversation about it)
-My brother and SIL (I was thinking of moving in with them for a while, but felt it would be better to stick it out here)
-My two best friends.

I tell pretty much everyone. I don't always go and say why. Most of the time when they mention "husband", I just say: "we're separated. He made some bad choices". Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly clever, I'll say to someone: "I didn't like his girlfriend". I love that line. Got it from someone here. I've outright told a couple people at work that he's a cheater. Turns out I'm not the only one at work with a WH.

ETA: I am kinda casual with mentioning it because I don't see it as reflecting badly on myself. Though I know some people might think "what was wrong with her that he would cheat on her", I know that he's the broken one. Not me.

[This message edited by PurpleBirch at 9:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner

Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only told WH's 2 BF.
First one because WH transferred his guilt about A onto the two of us. . 2cd friend has his own marriagebussues, so i told him to let him know i needed him to be a friend of our marriage. Pre A therevwas lots of commiseratingbabout how much married life sucks, abd i needed a little less of thatvfrom friend # 2 while we try to R!

Really both our friends after being together will all 24+ years.

I've never had a lot of close female friends and the 2 I I have had significant life stressors of their own ( sick parent and drug using teen daughter) so I didn't want to burden them. Plus, its just so freaking embarrasing. i have no sisters.
I can't bear the thought of my mom judging WH, so I haven't told, even though my mom and I are close. I actually find myself avoiding my mom, because I'm afraid she will see through me. I'm pretty sure she is a BS, it's just too much o face head on at this point. I'm supposed to be the together focused successful kid.. Not feeling it this year!
We have told three MC. Liked latest MC, but now he's unexpectedly gone until January. Sure glad l have SI, otherwise it would be pretty lonely inside this head of mine

me-BS 40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone we knew except for my WH's co-workers and boss.(OW was not a co-worker). We also didn't tell his children, but his whole family knows and none of them can keep a secret, so I am sure they know by now and the numerous DDays I have endured with his LTA.

WH's BFF has distanced himself from him, even though his wife is still my BFF. It is really sad, but his BFF said he changed into a person he didn't want to be around anymore. My WH is angry because he thinks his BFF has just abandoned him. I do not get involved becuase I'll be damned if he is screwing up my friendship with my BFF. She has always been there for me when I needed to vent or cry.

It was a little strange being around his family last 2 years during the holidays, but it seems to be getting better. I have very little family and none that live in my state, but they know and have my back if I need them.

Hell, I even told a guy in the airport as we were waiting for different flights after DDay#1(I was working out of state). He decides that it would be a good idea to go into the unisex bathroom for a few minutes before our flight. Can you believe someone that has the balls to suggest such a thing. . I quickly learned Do Not Discuss With Strangers.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Made him tell his family immediately. I knew he would rewrite history and he is a master liar and manipulator so that was a nobrainer.

Told our pastor immediately. Told my BFF immediately. She lives overseas. She begged me to come stay with her. Wish I could have.

A few months later told two of my siblings. I was done protecting him and he offered me no support. They are everything to me and I'm so glad I did.

Soon I will tell one or two local friends. He is still giving me no support and I'm sick of pretending he is a good guy. Not that I'm pretending very hard. My close friends know we are struggling.

I need hugs!

I think it definitely depends in the WS and what you need/ have support-wise. If WS's family didn't know he would not have changed at all. Same with our pastor. I knew he wouldn't care what I said. I was soooooooo happy to see him finally knocked off his arrogant, better than everybody pedestal. He treated his siblings horribly, in my opinion, and I was happy they got to see the hypocrite exposed for their sakes.


Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have told my best friend and WH has told a few friends. Flat out refused to tell his parents when I asked, and for some reason I was okay with that, but now I think I will tell him he has to tell them or I will.
I also plan on telling my mom. I never did because I was worried if we stayed together she would never look at him the same. But now I'm realizing I probably won't ever look at him the same either so... I need more support and I'm going to get it and stop worrying about covering his ass. He should've thought of that before.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 relatives, 3 close friends, 1 counselor. Relatives I stayed with for a weekend while separated. 2 of the friends helped me find a place to stay. A friend I consider my brother. People I trust not to gossip. That was my support system.

She was furious that I told anybody. Yet she told her entire extended family, who gossips like crazy, so there are probably hundreds that know from that.
She has an affair, blabs to her dysfunctional family, probably was all over facebook, yet I'm not supposed to talk to anybody because she would be embarrassed. My kids understand consequences and cause and effect of poor decision making better than my W!

Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 25463
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if there would have been a chance of reconciliation, I wouldn't have told anyone but my best friend.

I'm a type of person who needs to talk about it, and to a person I can trust. I can trust her 100%.

Since I knew we were heading for divorce, I told my family and close friends out of sheer desperation.

I'll tell people today that my ex is remarried and has two young children with her "already" because he met her while we were married.

That usually does the trick and it explains my situation in very few words. It's not slander, its a fact.

Posts: 1116 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EVERYONE....I told everyone I could

Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Topic Posts: 49
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