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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: am i being petty?
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in general but only got one reply so I thought I would ask here.

Some background info: I came to SI in 2007 when he was in the middle of an affair with a married coworker. I did everything wrong. Begged pleaded blamed myself etc. He showed a little regret but no real remorse. I accepted that because I thought I couldn't live without him.
He got very upset whenever I told any of our mutual friends, I guess it was to protect his image. Neveind that I needed their support.

This time after I told him I was ready to divorce and he actually saw the paperwork and all he has since come to me and said he wants to reconcile.

He has since taken it upon himself to out the affair he had to anyone and everyone who asks about his demotion.
My issue is that he says he "slept with a coworker" which to me makes it sound like a ONS. Mind you this was a six month long affair including gas lighting rewriting marital history... the works.
My IC said this is a big step for him. I think she is letting him off easy. He starts IC this week. What do you all think? Am I being petty or is he minimizing?


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see the point of reliving all of the details for other people. I think everyone knowing the details of the affair would make it worse. It would become a salacious story for the water cooler, rather than the story being about a mistake, remorse, and R.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough one.
He's admitting, but that's a heck of an environment to navigate in.
I'd be more concerned with how he's making it seem with you than at work. If he's remorseful and not just guitly/regretting getting caught, doing the work like in IC, doing the hard stuff with you like being patient and answering any questions you have, letter of NC, timeline, whatever you need to feel safe, those kinds of things. If he's not minimizing with you and close family/friends he's admitting to I wouldn't worry as much about work, but definitely keep an eye out to determine his motives for minimizing it. Breakingpoint had a good point about water cooler talk, maybe that's why. Why not ask him directly? Let him know it makes you uneasy to think he's minimizing the gravity of the situation, open it up for discussion, and give him the opportunity to deal with it together with you. It's possible he's just not communicating properly with you.
((whiteflower))


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding :-)
On the one hand he is doing everything I asked of him in the past. He is loving he is more than patient with me. On Thanksgiving I had a breakdown which he turned into a breakthrough. I feel confident he would hold me if I needed him to... but I don't. I am not weepy or anything like that around him. He is telling me everything I want to hear doing everything I want him to do.
My issue is a "been there done that" kind of feeling.

For him, who has had a hard time even admitting guilt outside of just our marriage, I am wondering if this a baby step towards remorse. He HAS to feel guilty to feel remorseful, doesn't he? If so, then maybe IC is right and I could mentally cut him some slack.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're being petty.

I agree that I wouldn't really want him to say anything at all. I'm a big fan of privacy. Hate drama and gossip and outing affairs to the public tends to bring those things. However, if WH did discuss the affair, I wouldn't want him to minimize it. At all. And that is what he's doing, which would upset me, too.

What do you want from him? What do you want him to say? Have you told him? Try telling him and see if he follows through.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't really given him a script to say. We did talk about it and his reasoning was that OW thought he was going to leave me for her.

Finding out that their "relationship" has been reduced to "sleeping together" in his eyes shows how little she meant to him. We all work for the same company but she is in a different location. I know word gets back to her and honestly, EVERYONE already knew about their A once I found out because SHE ran her mouth.
It's why he was demoted.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
Topic Posts: 6

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