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Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm going backwards
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 31, I was 30 when I started false R with my STBXH.
We also did not have children. I'm hoping to in the future.

My STBXH was similar. He'd be sweet and promise the world, but he would "forget" to tell me something he said he'd tell me about, he'd do x and y, but then he'd go to the bar and get a ride home w a female friend. I don't think anything happened because she has boundaries, but he knew I wasn't comfortable with him getting rides with women in general, let alone at 2 am. We talked about it multiple times.
Then "he couldn't have any fun" because I was mad at him, and "do I want him to get another DUI?" because not going out wasn't an option because that's what he liked to do, and he could because it was winter and he doesn't work in winter.

And I accepted that, even though I wasn't comfortable.

It was not terrible, but it wasn't really R either, because he didn't want it.
I was so uneasy and constantly asking why he wasn't trying, and I think it's because I knew he didn't want to/didn't think he needed to because before I didn't value myself enough to put a stop to that same type of behavior.
The same type of behavior that I think lead to his A, I might add.
Then it came out that he didn't really want to R, and was pretending and couldn't pretend any more.

Please, for you, start believing in yourself and start the 180 to gain perspective and strength. I know it's hard, I've started and failed so many times, but I think it will help you. For you, not for him.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We ended up talking last night. I once again explained exactly what I need. He did the, "we should just break up" thing again. I said if he wants to leave, do it. Talked more. Conversation ended with no resolution. He said he feels he is a disappointment to me. Yeah, he is. But for a while he was being great and I was rebuilding my pride in him and I told him this.

This morning, the first thing he said was he was sad. And I sad. Mind reading again. I am not sad. I am tired. Frustrated. He then said he hopes he gets arrested at a protest he's going to later. I just said fine.

He clearly did not listen to a word I said. He took none of it again. I don't think he ever will. We have love. But no joy whatsoever. I can't do this anymore. I am not perfect, i contributed to the first months of our marriage being awful but I am trying so hard. I need to find the strength to end our marriage. After only a fucking year. I hate him for this. And I have nobody to turn to.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 11:12 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Turn to us. I'm sorry Hobbes. He's CHOOSING to be a disappointment but acting like he can't help it. Maddening but out of your hands. ((HUGS))

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6805 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's CHOOSING to be a disappointment but acting like he can't help it.

This. So well said.

I am so sorry Hobbes. You have us. I know its not the same, but we are here for you.
Welcome to the Land of Misfit Toys.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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