I don't know exactly why I suddenly feel an all-day overwhelming weepiness that feels very much like the emotions I felt last year but I know it's probably a combination of a lot of stuff.
It's pretty much the anniversary of DDay and my ex suddenly losing his f*ing mind. I don't remember the exact day that I found out about OW's existence and then the weeks of craziness that followed. It was sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and I don't want to remember the exact date. The date he told me he slept with OW and my world turned totally upside down is burned into my brain but the craziness that preceded it is a giant emotional, horrific, traumatizing blur. Now the kids haven't seen their dad in over a month because he lost his car wasting money on nothing rather than paying his bills. They might not see him at all during the holidays and the robot-narcissist is probably sitting at home sulking because of how horrible HE has it (at no fault of his own.)
The thing is...I was fine. Really feeling good and hopeful actually! A lot of my biggest worries and anxiety producing thoughts had all but disappeared over the last 4-5 months or so. Then 2 nights ago I woke up with this incredibly painful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It felt EXACTLY like Dday and I cried like a baby for a long time. I haven't cried more than a few tears here and there for a very long time. Since that moment my brain has just been consumed with craziness and fogginess. My childhood pain (flashback of like every painful moment in my childhood randomly popping in my head and triggering more tears), mourning the loss of the life (and delusions) I was in the process of losing this time last year, crazy what-if's in the future like death and disease and getting old and being alone in the future...it all feels like it hit me like a ton of bricks and I can't make it stop.
It's been a few days now and I can't eat again! I was actually on a diet (on purpose!) because I've been feeling good and enjoying the holidays with family and my pants were getting tight...now...I'm back to laying on my couch at every opportunity, randomly crying throughout the day, going to bed at a ridiculously early time and having a long restless night.I'm dizzy, jittery, weak and forgetting to drink water and feeling this overwhelming sense of something bad happening. My anxiety is level is up and down like crazy. The thought of the things I enjoy like spending time with my kids, food, coffee, going out, tv, movies, laughing, everything...it's suddenly gone and feeling overwhelming again.
I know it hasn't been long and I shouldn't be too worried because it's normal (I've seen posts just like this many times here at SI). I guess I just need somewhere to express this. I'm sitting here now crying like someone died. It really is amazing to me that this experience feels so much like a death of a loved one. I've only ever felt like this when a close relative has recently died (my sisters death and both grandmothers) and the time around DDay. It feels so strange to suddenly feel like that again when nothing has happened.
Everything was just going along fine and I don't know what changed! I don't want my old life back (although I do very much miss my old home and being able to give my kids the kinda life I *thought* my ex and I were working hard to provide.) But I understand clearly that it wasn't right and never felt right because my ex is seriously messed up.
My kids and I have come so far this past year and I was feeling REALLY good about it and doing fun holiday things with the kids. I don't want to work today but I have to. I don't want to clean. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything but lay on my couch and wait for this to pass but I can't disappoint my babies like that.
Tonight..I will pull myself together long enough to take my kids to a light show about 30 mins from us. I will put on a happy face and make some cookies and my kids new favorite drink that I make that we've named "Holiday Hotchocolate" which is just hot chocolate with whip cream and green/red sprinkles, but for some reason we never jazzed up a cup of hot chocolate at home before before this year. Maybe because mommy was overwhelmed with making our holidays special while blocking out the naysaying of the resident Scrooge (while simultaneously trying to keep him happy and feeling like the center of attention) every year.