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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Has the A effected every facet of your life?
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today my fWH and I had a discussion about our will, life insurance, and inheritance for our children. Prior to finding out about my H's long term affair, I had blind trust in my H. But, since Oct. 27, 2012, all of that changed. Despite the fact that he has been the model of the perfect recovering WH, I still am amazed about the effect the A has on every facet of our lives. In thinking about our life insurance, I was thinking about how I don't trust him to do the right thing with my daughters (his step daughters) should I per-decease him and that I need to continue to protect their best interests. It makes me sad that I can't fully trust him. I have to admit that I liked the blind trust, knowing that he would make the right decisions for all of us. I thought he had the best character of anyone I knew, and now I know that is not true.

The A effects every part of our lives. Have others been surprised about how the A has effected your life in ways you would not have anticipated?


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A has truly affected every part of my life, but I'm not surprised that it has. It devastating and that is bound to trickle through every aspect of your life.

I actually think its good not to have blind trust in anyone. My mother has always been that way. She has often told me that when she dies she doesn't want me putting my inheritance in a joint account "just in case". And she doesn't even know about the A‘s!

If you're worried about him doing right by your daughters, then by all means make provisions in your will for them!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1099 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been married over 30 years. My whole outlook on our empty nest years, grand parenting, retirement, leisure time, vacations, our past, our future, our children, every single important event, has been changed. I no longer have the same light feelings about the future. Our "mature" years are tainted by his juvenile year of selfishness and lack of control. He may have his reasons, but they will never explain away the mess he made of our lives.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1390 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep!! Every facet. A lot because almost every conversation has a trigger. And I use to think he had ethics. So everything has changed. It's just awful:(


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..the sadness that just will not go away

..the deep sorrow for a life lived under a lie

..the loss of peace of mind

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, time with my children I catch myself in deep thought, time with our couples friends I wonder who will get the couple if we split. I AM able to enjoy myself more and more though.
Every time I shop, go to restaurants, movies, I wonder if I will run into the OW.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4493 | Registered: Dec 2010
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. It has tainted everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.

Posts: 701 | Registered: Aug 2011
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
DOH!  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One year later, still on the roller coaster. Great one day, crying puddle of mush in 1 minute flat. Sad that the one that had all of the faith you could give, throws it away. Every subject is seen through the A glasses.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely.

Posts: 917 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, songs have different meanings as do movies and TV shows. When I look at other couples I wonder about infidelity. When people announce they are getting married, I wonder why they bother. Jaded.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 244 | Registered: Oct 2013
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes totally and I completely understand where you are coming from specifically with reference to your financial future. Earlier this year (DDay was January 3rd) my WH and I remortgaged our home which meant revisiting life assurance and wills and, omg, it was so hard! I was shocked by my reaction as, like you, I'd previously had such trust in him and whatever the future held I only saw us together. It made me so sad and I had to tell him how I no longer felt that we were 'safe'. It was yet another thing that had been ruined in my life.... sigh...

However, perhaps it is for the best not to have the blind trust that was there before. Just be prepared for it to hit you at all times, in all places and where/when you least expect it

Still with a truly remorseful WS who is completely committed to R and healing themselves and you I do believe it is possible to get through - there are people here on SI who are testament to it!!

((Undone1))


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every bit of it -


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jan 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is not one single aspect of my life that has not been impacted. Not one.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every last little part of my personal and professional lives are tainted by the A.

One of the problems we're encountering is that WW fails to recognize that everything is changed. She acts as though our home is the same (she brought OM home), my work (I haven't been able to concentrate and perform the way I used to) and so on are untouched. Says it's up to me to decide how to respond.

Yup, everything is just a sad mess.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
lhhell
♀ Member
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Most definitely. Not always in a negative way, not always in a good way.

I realized that my playlist for my running workout no longer has any love songs on it. Lots of songs about me being stronger, some good old 80s party music but not one love song. I switch the radio in the car to a different channel when a love song comes on.

BUT.... I'm also much better at telling my WH when I need or want something. I used to just keep that to myself and then be sad that I wasn't getting my needs met. Now I'm working on expressing those things. And he's completely willing to listen and do those things.

So the short answer is yes.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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