I have read others in this forum state that affairs are abuse, plain and simple. I read people's descriptions of their emotional state, using the language of violence - ripped my heart out, shattered my soul, stabbed me in the back, shredded me to pieces, I feel like I am dying...Pain so intense that the only way to begin to describe it is with hard words of physical destruction.
To me, it seems that this pain is a result of an " emotional violence" inflicted by the discovery of the betrayal, as bodily injury is a result of a physical violence. Not quite sure about categorizing affairs as abuse, though, because for so many of us, our WP's didn't have affairs specifically to hurt us - though that was an acceptable risk to them, and what they ended up doing.
I don't have a set opinion or agenda, just curious about other's thoughts on this if they are moved to share.
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall
The opposite of love is not hate ... It is indifference.
seems I'm on the 15 year plan
That's right...considering my WSO had unprotected sex with strangers, lied to me about it, then didn't even have the common decency to get tested for STDs, before turning around and having unprotected sex with me...constitutes as sexual abuse, IMO.
Is adultery harmful to the BS? Does it cause emotional and physical harm the WS could predict---and prevent?
Just as striking a spouse or verbally abusing him/her cause harm (and are often instantly regretted by the perpetrator, who "didn't mean to"), so does adultery. The emotional damage is profound. The physical can be, as well. Many of us have been given STDs, for one thing.
Adultery is abuse.
You can categorize it however you want. I view having my body exposed to the oral and vaginal flora of every whore my husband used as abuse.
It is a violent act towards the BS, intention or no. I wonder how many WP's have ever thought of it that way.
mental: controlling us thru lies. anger and resentment toward us fueling and justifying the affair. all that crazy making stuff. making us doubt ourself. then the blow to our core self and self esteem. much much more.
physical: placing us in physical danger from STDs. sometimes physical violence (from both WW and WH). danger to our children. possible violence by the OP. allot of BS are murdered by their WS and OP.
It is a long string of traumatic and abusive behaviors.
For those that aren't caught - yes, the BS was abused. They were put in harm's way, emotionally and physically. The fact that they didn't find out is only a thin barrier between them and the abusive behavior they have been subjected to.
Kierst13, it does not matter whether the A is known or not. It is not the knowledge of the A that causes abuse, it is the A that causes abuse.
Even further, it is the A that causes the hurt and pain, not DDay. Even if you never knew of the A, you are being abused by your WS. They may be having a great life with you, sex and all, but if they are sharing themselves with another person, they are an abuser of the worst kind. Ignorance is not bliss. It is dangerous. It is a unauthentic life, out of the BS control. How cruel is that?
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
My WH conveniently maintained that I'd never find out about his continued cheating. All he thought he was "guilty" of was falling in love with the OW, and hey, is that really a crime? This type of rationalization suggests a broken individual, one not well suited to being in a loving, committed relationship.
I must acknowledge my failure to protect myself by stubbornly continuing efforts to R in the face of multiple ddays.
I'm just glad it is over, that I finally detached and know I'll never again let him near my heart. I feel strong and healthy, knowing I can protect myself.
[This message edited by twokids at 10:56 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
My first husband was physically and emotionally abusive to me. The physical abuse was easier to recover from. The verbal abuse, the emotional abuse when he had his affair, those have stayed with me. Now my current marriage, and the affair, the gaslighting, the trickle truth, telling me cruel things like OW "is everything I am not" and while telling me this not doing the decent thing and just leaving me...instead staying with me for two more months and cake eating with me and OW while knowing full well how deeply I was hurt.....yep, no doubt this was abusive. Worse than the A. Cake eating and continued lying after discovery day? After already witnessing me basically fall on the floor with a severe arrhythmia triggered by discovering another dday....
I am in counseling to recover from the aftermath of dday and not even the dang affair! I am suffering due to the insanity that followed, the assault to my very being. It was hell on earth.
ETA....just fixin typos
[This message edited by Spelljean at 12:31 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]