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User Topic: Is my "Trust but verify" going too far?
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is good that you realize you are going too far. Concentrate on you and helping get yourself to a healing and better place.

Checking her toys and listening at her door to see if she is masturbating is going too far. Please protect yourself and get some help.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this isn't really normal, huh?


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about normal, but I think this kind of "crazy" thinking/behavior is common after a betrayal like this. It's definitely not healthy, but it's pretty damn understandable. Betrayal is traumatic. You can literally get post-traumatic stress disorder from marital infidelity (ask me how I know this ). Please don't beat yourself up for what you're doing, just try to get yourself to a healthier place.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be so hard on yourself. This shit is rough. ((hugs))

Deep down, you know you're going to have to let it go. Trying to get more info serves no purpose. You're only going to find more shit to obsess over. You have to let it go.

I felt like once I accepted that he really didn't want to be with me, then I can move forward. It hurts like hell, and I'm not close to over it, but that's the way it is. I only torture myself hanging on to hope that it could be different.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the denial is over. She just doesn't want to be with me and no one is getting in the way. It's all her.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to crash at a friends house for a night or two until you can get in touch with your lawyer? The denial may be gone for now but the rollercoaster sucks. Getting away from her for a night or two can potentially help a lot more than any amount of meds. It'll be a lot easier to focus on yourself if she isn't anywhere around and none of her shit is accessible.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lawyer advised against interrupting normal routine. Which means the kids sleep in our home on school nights. I was leaving on weekends for a while and we shared the kids. may start this up again.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just in...Her lawyer is refusing to represent her until she gets paid. It's tough being an adult and paying bills.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((No1)))

You need to re read on the 180. If D is imenent then you don't want to do anything, and I mean anything that can be construed as abnormal, or an invasion of her privacy. She needs to go. Please ask her to leave again, and if she refuses then really really focus on 180 for you. I mean doing your own laundry, cooking, and any other household duties. Moving her completely out of your bedroom. Not engaging her in any way shape or form other than written and that should be about the kids and finances only. Anything else isn't important enough to allow her to cause you more pain.

She is a sad broken woman, and you did nothing to cause this. You have to repeat this to yourself over and over and over until you honestly believe it.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8428 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are divorcing. Checking her actions, at this point, serves no purpose other than to rip your own scabs off. Redirect your energy to your own healing.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8664 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Advice taken. Some part of me kept wanting her to put the brakes on this thing, but I think it's a little late for that


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your post yesterday and it weighed on my mind all night long.

I am surprised I did not get out of bed at 2:00am to respond.

Despite what WW has done; no one should have to be afraid like this in their own home (bells on doors, heavy-duty curtains, etc). You need to stop. It is hurting all the parties involved.

Some part of me kept wanting her to put the brakes on this thing

Stop giving her control to write the rest of your story. If she gets her crap together down the road, so be it but do not stop on the path that you are on and be stuck in limbo.

I think you will find that once you get stronger and further down on the path; you will be more confident in telling her to buzz-off and meaning it.

In the meantime, stop spying, snooping, tracking, listening, etc. It will not help you at all.

I know your orders have been extended; but if you are unable to get control of your impulses while living in that house; you need to remove yourself from those temptations/location. Nothing positive will come out of this for you.

I use to date someone who went over-the-top like this. It has been almost 30 years and I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES about it.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((No12turn2))

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. And I am glad that you are working with a counselor on understanding and on developing better coping skills.

It's one thing to check to see if your W is communicating with another man. Quite another to read her personal diary, sneak into her room, and listen at her door. TBH, if I knew your W, I would advise her to move out asap. I understand having these *feelings* -- but please do work hard to stop acting on them.

Hugs again. Such an awful, painful situation to be in. None of us deserve it.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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