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User Topic: How Can I Find Out It's Really Over?
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assume your WS told the OW that her roommate sent you the text msgs. Why would he do that, and his ridiculous explanation...well really how dumb does one have to be.

She has left her H, and she is fitting your WS for the job. He isn't doing the work to make you feel safe and not doing anything to fix the mess he created.

Plus putting the phone in a drawer because you could listen to what is going on at work and your thought of going into his work went over badly.....hummmm I wonder why, because they are still at it. 180 him, get yourself stronger and you decide if you want a man who cake eats. Sometimes you have to risk the M to save it.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:19 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you work?
If not -- then you need to go to work with WH every single day until he works out: HOW he is going to replace OW at his work-place.
THEN, you will know exactly what's going on there!

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's first A was with an employee and I recently discovered it didn't end when he swore it was over, but just went deeper underground. Knowing what I know now, I would not attempt R while my H was still working with his AP. In my opinion you have two choices: either do your work from his office and make them as uncomfortable as they make you, or inform him that this is not reconciliation and when he's ready to truly address reconciliation then maybe you'll still be available to listen. If you choose option B, then I would move him out of the bedroom or out of the house.

Personally, I'd plop myself down at their office every morning and stay until one of them goes home. Can you imagine how deflating that would be to their little fantasy romance? Yes it will be tough for you but nothing about this is easy. Or, if you're emotionally ready to back away from the marriage, the better option is probably to do just that and let him take the steps to win you back. Either he needs to find a new job or she does and it could go either way. My H's work travel made it a lot easier for him to maintain a second round of As and that's one of the reasons he quit that high paying job. We survived the job search and you can too.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 41599
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just found out through my sneakiness that the OW is moving, in a couple of days, to a house that is close to us. That doesn't sound like someone who is looking for a job in another state. Of all the places to move to, why close to us? We live in a huge city. I am more convinced than ever that this is still going on.

He was so mean to me when I confronted him about it. Mostly because he was at work and there was a 45 minutes yelling match when he was on the clock. I know he can't control where she lives but he could have told me this was happening. So now I have to worry about them at work and the fact that she's going to live 5 minutes away?

He is still maintaining that it is over. I just don't know what to do. I am really not ready for him to be gone yet but at the same time I am going out of my mind with him still around. Why won't he just leave me and go with her? It seems like she's preparing for that with this new place in an area he really loves to live in. There really is no other reason for her to live this close aside from proximity to him.

I feel as if I am pushing him away with my anger. I suppose my choices now are to really 180 and stick to it or show him the door.

Does it really keep getting worse before it gets better?

The thing that hurts the most is that it seems, in my mind, that he is more concerned with keeping the work environment pleasant than with what I am going through day after day. I sent him the WS FAQ number 12 about working with the OP to read for some suggestions on how he could ease my mind but I got "those are good in theory but you can't expect me to be a dick to the other person in a two person office". Man, this f'ing sucks.

Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OF Course she is STBX. That is page one of the cheaters book. Don't believe a word from her mouth. Hookers in Mexico, great. Pick up the phone and call him, get the story from him.

I would pack my work stuff up and show up at the office and make an attempt to spend a few hours there. That will tell you everything you need to know.

I bet dimes to dollars they are underground with this A. He gets angry with you, he still is excusing his actions, yup he doesn't get it. If he was done with her, he would make sure she quits, or gets herself fired, or quit himself.

read up on 180. Focus on you. While you are starting to get your strength back do a few things for you, and your future, this will be important for you to gain some strength, go get STD tested, go see a lawyer. Do NOT be intimate with him again without protection until you are 100% sure that it's done and over, and if he gets pissy,and he will, tell him the only thing you know for sure is that 50% of what comes out of his mouth is lies, therefore you can't trust him, and he needs be cool with working his ass off to show you he is trustworthy again.

Welcome to the best club noone ever wanted or planned to join.

(((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you can expect him to be a dick to the person working in his office. Absolutely you can. My H was also worried about appearing rude, but what he really meant was that departing from the script he had developed with these APs or potential APs ("oh, aren't you wonderful"--"No, you're wonderful!") would cause him to lose the feel-good strokes.

He had an affair with his co-worker. Odds are he is still having an affair. If anything he has to do to make you feel safe in the marriage feels embarrassing or uncomfortable, tell him to do it anyway. If he refuses, he's not ready for R. And honestly, hasn't her roommate already told you the A is still going on? Or have I confused this post with another? So to spell it out:

1) Her roommate says the A is still happening and they're planning a life together.
2) The AP is moving closer to you, which at the very least indicates she's not trying to find employment elsewhere.
3) Your H is placing his phone where you can't hear their conversations.

The only evidence you have that the A has ended is your H's word for it and, as my therapist told me, liars lie. Here's what your H can do to prove it:

1) Make her quit. Or fire her if he has the power.
2) Quit his job and find another.
3) Give you complete transparency with full access to his phone and his computer.
4) Become remorseful and not just regretful that he was caught.

Has your H done any of the above? Believe me, I get it--this stuff is almost impossibly hard and moving out of the marriage when your H is swearing he loves you and only you is so tough. It's confusing. It's maddening. But look at the facts and make a decision. Lord how I wish I had someone giving me this advice way back when my H was in his first A.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh--and one more thing: stop the drama. Just stop ranting at him. Does crying and yelling get you any closer to the truth? No. Decide what you need from him and quietly give him that list. I liked doing it by email as that gave me a written track record of what was communicated to him and he couldn't later deny it, plus it eliminated any chance of my emotional outburst overshadowing the message.

If he tries to start a fight, just be firm and brief. Repeat what it is you need and walk away. I'm very much in favor of discussions when they get you somewhere, but when all you get is bullsh*t like the roommate's ex hacked her account--stop engaging.

This just really sucks, doesn't it?

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 41599
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for your replies. It's kind of a strange feeling but today is the first day of since this whole thing started that I have a feeling of peace. I started the 180 yesterday, it has been hard. I have an appointment with my IC this afternoon.

My hobby is photography and it's slowly turning into a little side business for me. I have done a couple of Christmas cards sessions over the last few weeks and have obviously not been feeling them. I was editing photos from a recent session last night (while I sent WH out alone to have dinner with his parents, I needed the alone time) and one photo I took of my friend and her two daughters turned out so much better than I could have hoped. It was so beautiful. It brought a tear of joy to my eye and I felt like I was going to be ok!

This is all so confusing and maddening and sad. I can't understand why he'd throw away what we have for this whore. We've been together for 18 years, married 15. We have no children (that's a story in and of itself). Maybe our relationship has just "run it's course". He said the same thing the other day about the house we have worked so hard on over the last 15 years. Who the hell knows what he's up to?

Edited for TMI

[This message edited by KittenLittle at 6:49 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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