H and I decided to separate yesterday.
In my head I think it may be for the best. We have been spinning our wheels and not moving forward enough.
I have been stating what I need from him to feel safe and able to heal. He feels pressured and not sure if he can meet my needs.
Definitely not where I wanted us to be at this time. My heart feels like it is breaking all over again.
All those feelings from last year, not being good enough, not being loved enough.
It hurts because I often think if you loved me enough, if I meant everything to you, you would do what ever it took to show me, to help me.
It hurts. I know I am stronger than on dday. I know I will get better. Just right now today I can barely move.
He says he needs time to heal himself, away from me. Maybe I will further my healing if we are apart.
Then the anxiety kicks in, living apart and every thought that goes along with that.
Just not sure how to think about this. Not sure how to not have anxiety about what he is doing when he leaves.
These last 11 months have been focused on reconciling, trusting with verification. Now, do I just let go, not think about it, not care?
There was a family trip planned for Dec. 28, a week on an island. His whole family. I cannot go now, I just could not pretend now. Now that we have decided to separate the pain is so much greater than the hope I carried.
Now, I just cannot imagine him going without me. Just not sure how to adjust to this. Time, time and more time.
I had hoped that he would see, would realize that I am the most important thing to him. I had hoped that he would put forth the effort needed for me to feel loved again.
After betrayal it is a very hard thing to let down your guard, to feel safe, to feel loved and valued. If your needs are denied it only causes more pain. It seems to reinforce the feelings of their indifference, it makes you feel like you are not worth the effort. Just not loved.
He tells me he loves me. He is just not able to give the compassion and remorse consistently.
There is no point to any of this, I am just rambling. My day off and I have done barely anything.
I need to put up the Christmas tree. I had hoped that this year it would be done with happiness. Last year I put it up with the dog at 2am.
I do it for my kids. They are adults but they come to my house on Christmas eve so I feel I must. Also, my granddaughter is 2 this year, I want to do this for her.
For me today I just want to crawl in a hole.
Wallowing today I guess, grieving, trying to come to grips with reality.
I am going to give it a bit of time but I think I might need antidepressants. I went without before but I do not want to go back to that place again.
Merry Christmas, bah humbug
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
If it helps at all, I can't see how you could have tried any harder. The stupidity of the A is only surpassed by the stupidity of letting you go now.
The man clearly does not know what's good for him.
Try to soak up the love from your kids and granddaughter over the holidays.
We are here for you. It might not feel like it today, but you will make it through this and you will get stronger.
Peace and strength...
I'm only at nine months and I keep hearing in IC and MC that this is a two- to five-year process. Hang in there, this thing takes time. One way or the other.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope this is the first step on a new healing path for you.
I'm in your shoes. A year ago was my first dday and last week was my last dday. I got a year full of TT in false R.
We, too just seperated a few weeks ago. I just started anti-depressants and they ARE WONDERFUL!! :) I had anxiety, too. This is the first time I've ever taken them in my entire life. I didn't after Dday #1 either. I saw a psychiatrist and he was very helpful. I'm looking for a new IC.
I know how much it brings back all the old pain...PM if you feel like it.
Good luck. YOU. WILL. GET. THROUGH. THIS.
You already did once.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:34 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]
You just wallow as long as you need. It's way more than ok to lay around. Only put up the tree if it will make you feel better. I have a sister in law who left her tree up until June after her H left her (infidelity of course) because it was the only thing that cheered her up. I thought at the time how odd, but now I understand how she felt.
Maybe it's ok that he is able to say he doesn't think he can give you what you need/want instead of just spinning and not moving forward. At least now you don't have to keep your hopes up of him coming around. I mean it's horrible that he can't/won't but he isn't leading you on. In many types of tragedies, infidelity included, some people do need space and more time to heal.
I am sure you are stronger than last year, but a broken heart is still so painful. I wish I knew the cure. Please know you are cared for and supported.
Hang in there, I believe you will not only survive this but go on to find happiness in your life. Take care of YOU!
This is about him, not you. At this point, he's not able to R, because of his own problems, not because of yours, and not because of problems in your M.
I wish for both of you that he chose a different path for his healing - but who knows? This could be best for both of you.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I can absolutely understand your heartbreak. Sometimes it just feels like the pain will never stop. How is it even possible that we can still hurt? Isn't there eventually a limit? (Please?!)
Please be good to yourself. I know this is even tougher to be coping with during the holidays, especially since you had a family trip planned. I am so very sorry that you have ended up at this junction.
Sending you all the strength and encouragement I can... Remember, you CANNOT and WILL NOT accept less than you deserve! You deserve to be loved completely, to be honored, cherished, and made to feel safe.
Every road in the infidelity journey is a tough one. You WILL make it through this and you WILL come out stronger and more self-aware on the other side. You WILL find happiness again. It is always darkest before the dawn. For now, just try to find calm in the darkness and not fear. The dawn is coming and the sun will feel wonderful when it finally finds you.
I am just so, so sorry. I was really pulling for you.
Communication was tough for your guy, but I was hoping he would stick around here and attend IC to gather the needed insight.
I do think you sincerely gave the gift of R and the roadmap to your heart to your husband.
Can't you are going to be fine. You are. I am STILL pulling for you!