As I've often told you, your journey and thoughts are so very often like my own, and I see my journey in yours. Your last post rings so true for me.
The few times that he has, I have jumped in with all my heart, put aside every doubt, fear, and feeling of betraying myself. I praised verbally, I thanked him, I told him how much it means, how it lightens my heart, gives me hope, I showed him with affection and physical love, I smiled, for days.
Like you, I feel like I have "put it all out there" and sometimes get what I need from him and sometimes he withdraws or says things that make my head spin. He hasn't given this his full effort -- and I know it. What am I going to accept?
I am grateful for the honesty from him. Now I know what is real. The mixed messages were driving me crazy. I wanted so badly to believe him but my gut was screaming.
Reality, truth is so much easier to deal with.
Reality, truth is so much easier to deal with.
God, I know this feeling. I can so completely relate to every word you write. I never feel like I can offer good words of advice, because I'm a patient with the same illness! I just want you to know that my heart hurts for you. I KNOW you will be okay, eventually, no matter how this turns out.
I am SO glad your son is on his way and may live with you for awhile. I think that sounds wonderful!
And, I can't help but read the wisdom in blakesteele's words... I have often had the same thought on what is going on in the WS's head... And have even asked him several times if he resents my attempt to R. Does he wish I would've just let him "slip away quietly"? And when he got really squirrely during Sept/Oct, he admitted that he had reached a point of deciding it might just be too hard to do the introspection necessary to heal himself. That it would be easier to just walk away. At the same time, he has also said that "no matter what happens with us, (he) will NEVER do something like this again". I think his theory of "no one gets hurt" got totally debunked. Crazy stuff they tell themselves....
Maybe you are really done. And that's okay. Or maybe he really does need the time away to figure things out on his own. Either way, just keep working on healing you. You will end up stronger and wiser and you WILL be happy again!!!!
I don't know how I would get through without all of you out there. This is a very lonely journey in the real world. People try to understand but they just can't, and for that I am happy for them.
Tonight I am in such pain. Similar to the early days.
I came home early and wh was here. He took the day off. He told me that he is giving up on us for now. He is not happy with me and wants to be happy. He said my daily sadness is too much for him, although he knows that he can help with that. He does not have it in him and does not know why.
I just have to get through until he moves out. I think, I hope I will start to feel better then. It is hard to share a home with someone when the marriage is dead. He was very offended by that and called me morbid.
He also told me I should be grateful that he forced me to become so strong. Yes, I am stronger but I still want to scream in his face, "fuck you asshole!", but I did not. No point.
I am trying to figure finances, very scary, barely squeak by as long as nothing unexpected happens.
I must give up IC. That would take my last dime and I need to try to save as much as possible for the unexpected.
I just didn't think he would give up. I thought he would "get it", or maybe I was just wishing really hard. In retrospect it was pretty clear.
Just trying to get through until it gets better.
I think for him he just cannot accept who he is. If he were to be able to make the effort he would have to admit to himself that he did some really awful things. He would have to face himself.
Out of my control and I have to stop worrying about it. It is no longer my problem. Sure does hurt though.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox
You deserve so much better than this. You know you do. I can't even believe he told you you should be grateful.... Aaaaargh! Seriously, WTF? But, in the end, you ARE stronger because of this. You are wiser. You are still a beautiful person, inside and out, and he is a broken uninspired man who will trudge through life.
I am so sorry for your heartbreak. You've held out hope for so very long, hoping he would come around. I hope you will find a beautiful peacefulness once he is gone. I am just so sorry you are hurting so badly right now....
I'm so sorry. I knew that it was time to divorce my first H when I realized that I was lonelier with him IN the house, than I was when he was OUT of the house. It sounds like that's where you are at. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I came back to see what was here.
I should have listened to that statement back then. I should have heard its meaning.
I think it meant, means, I am not sure if I am committed to you, not sure if I care enough. I am not sure if it is worth the work and pain.
I just didn't hear it or more like I didn't want to hear it. What I wanted to hear and what I still wish to hear was, is, I love you so much, I am sorry for how I have hurt you, I will work with you to get through this. You mean everything to me and are worth the time, effort and pain to repair and build a new life together. I will be patient and understanding. I will support you and love you through your pain. I have caused this and want nothing more than to prove to you that you are so special to me. I understand how hard it must be for you to believe me, to trust me, to feel safe with me. I will comfort you through your pain. I will work on myself so that I am the husband that you can trust and love safely.
That is not reality, just my heart longing for love and understanding. Longing for commitment. Longing to be loved.
I wish that I had been stronger sooner.
I am still in a very sad place today. I keep wondering, is this my fault? Did my deep pain and inability to regulate it push him away? Make it impossible for him? Did I make it seem insurmountable? Am I living in the past instead of forcing myself to see the present? Why are his efforts not enough for me? Why do I constantly want more? Is it me? Am I not seeing things clearly? Is it my fault that we are not moving forward?
IC today. I think I need it.
Just struggling. I feel rejected again. I feel like I am not good enough for him.
He is leaving because I am too sad all the time. He is leaving because my pain hurts him and that is all he gets from me. I am afraid today. I am afraid that I am stuck here forever. I know what I am supposed to do, but today it just feels too hard. How do I find the heart, the will to do what I must for me? Trying to remember why I even want to.
This all sounds pathetic, even to myself.
Hell, I don't even blame him for wanting to get away from me, I wish I could get away from me.
I was just thinking about your comment earlier that you might need to give up IC for financial reasons. I totally get that, but also worry that you need it. Hope I'm not out of line with this suggestion, but would you consider asking your son for some help with "rent" if he moves in? I believe this is reasonable, given he is 28, and would provide some funds for you. Just my $0.02.
I am just so sorry for your pain. My H has similarities to yours in not wanting to do the work necessary to truly fix himself. He says he wants to fix things and will show me in actions. I see a lot of improvement, but not the whole-hearted effort I believe is needed. When I read your words of what you wanted to hear from him, it just rings so true for me (and I believe for most BSs). Why is it so hard for them to say these words? Do these things? Why is seeing us writhing in the pain they have caused us a justification for walking away? It's just too much to comprehend.
I fear so much ending up at the same point as you, looking back at it all and wondering if it was worth all the effort and hurt to try to R. Not sure when it is time to cut our losses and give up on hope. Reading your words gives me a glimpse into what my future may hold also. I so wish I had the right words to help you through this. I just want you to know that your friends here on SI care very much for you and wish you the very best.
Sending virtual hugs, as always. May you find a ray of sunshine today, something small to smile about, any little thing that will bring some happiness back into your life.
Hopefully my son will be able to contribute. He has been going through a similar situation himself and coming home is starting over for him.
I was hoping that I would be helping him but now I can only give moral support and a safe home.
It is only temporary for him as he does want to be on his own again. His goal is not to live with his mom.
I hate to give up IC, but I don't think I have a choice, it is just going to be to tight. I just called to price Ad Dr. prescribed and it will be $100 per month.
I will figure it out as I go. I was thinking a second job but I can barely do the one I have.
The hardest thing today, being at work, having an axiety attack and feeling so alone.
I keep looking at my phone, expecting...
When will this stop hurting???
I am sitting here crying at work. It is so hard to hold it together.
I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. I know how it feels. Is your son home now? I hope that will provide some comfort and joy. I don't think you want him as a permanent roommate any more than he wants to be one --- and that's all healthy. But, in the short term, I think it will be really nice for you. While it's hard for me to keep functioning as a decent mom to my 3 teenagers, their love and support sustains me on many days. (Other days they devastate me, but that's life as a mom of hormonal emotional teenagers, right?)
Really hoping time with your IC will help in some way today....
I am trying to just get through moment by moment. It feels a bit unreal, again.
If I look to far ahead it is too overwhelming.
My head has been churning over every conversation. I just remembered, he brought up separation a few weeks ago, in anger. I was the one that started this conversation, asking if that is what he wanted. I started wondering if this is what he wanted all along but was afraid to bring it up.
I guess it doesn't even matter. I have to let this go. It is awful though, all the triggers that I thought I had a handle on are coming back without the comforting thoughts to ease them.
I feel so lost. I feel like I am going through everything all over again.
[This message edited by rachelc at 3:21 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
Please take care of yourself. I know you are devastated. My heart breaks for you. Hang in there! Day at a time... or moment at a time, if needed.
You are strong. You are wise. You are beautiful. You are kind and compassionate, loving and forgiving. You have done everything you could, but you cannot do for him what he won't do for himself.
Better days are ahead. Time will help. Hugs...
I can "see" that this is a really rough time for you, but as the others have said:
You are stronger
You are kind
You will make it
So, your son is coming! Good for you! God has a way of giving what you need, when you need it. We can all see that you are hurting and need someone to give you a real, live, hug. Your son is there by now and he can fulfill this need for a bit.
You are replaying the things your husband said in previous conversations and that is normal, I would think. Can't, most men don't try very hard to be all that "deep" or too Deepak Chopra-esque. Don't try to read too much into what he said last week. He is confused and "closed off" and probably doesn't even KNOW what he said or meant. Forge ahead and just concentrate on yourself for now.
Can't, we all wish you the best. These are hard days, but they are not the same as the ones you experienced before you obtained insight....befor D Day. Now you are aware of what is going on in your life and can make informed decisions.
Cry if you must. According to the numbers registered, there are thousands of shoulders here for you.
Therapy was very helpful.
My son is home and will be moving in with me. He is very excited about it and I look forward to having one on one time with him.
He is the middle boy and anyone with multiple children understands how hard it can be to find that one on one. There was always another child around!
We have become much closer over the last few years, especially this last one and I look forward to deepening that bond with him.
It is a gift that I never expected.
Again, thank you to all of you for your support, encouragement and compassion. You have helped to keep me going, given me hope.
He also told me I should be grateful that he forced me to become so strong.
Seriously? Wow. Just . . . wow.
I'm so glad your son is going to be there with you. Keep at it in IC. ((HUGS)) to you!
I am so very sorry!
Sisoon is right. He is often right. This is about your H. Not about you and not about the problems in your M.
You are not asking for the impossible my friend! The things you want - remorse, respect, open-ness, kindness - a caring heart - are all things you so rightly deserve.
He also told me I should be grateful that he forced me to become so strong
No. He is weak. And he is also an ass for saying this. You are the strong one. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you are strong.
Hell, I don't even blame him for wanting to get away from me, I wish I could get away from me.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are an honest, caring person with a big heart - a heart that was willing to forgive. If only...He is a fool for not seeing your beauty.
We are here for you ((cantaccept))
I hope you had a nice day with your son.
You have lots of friends here thinking about you and wishing you peace and strength....