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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: separating
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there, cant,

As I've often told you, your journey and thoughts are so very often like my own, and I see my journey in yours. Your last post rings so true for me.

The few times that he has, I have jumped in with all my heart, put aside every doubt, fear, and feeling of betraying myself. I praised verbally, I thanked him, I told him how much it means, how it lightens my heart, gives me hope, I showed him with affection and physical love, I smiled, for days.

Like you, I feel like I have "put it all out there" and sometimes get what I need from him and sometimes he withdraws or says things that make my head spin. He hasn't given this his full effort -- and I know it. What am I going to accept?

I am grateful for the honesty from him. Now I know what is real. The mixed messages were driving me crazy. I wanted so badly to believe him but my gut was screaming.

Reality, truth is so much easier to deal with.

God, I know this feeling. I can so completely relate to every word you write. I never feel like I can offer good words of advice, because I'm a patient with the same illness! I just want you to know that my heart hurts for you. I KNOW you will be okay, eventually, no matter how this turns out.

I am SO glad your son is on his way and may live with you for awhile. I think that sounds wonderful!

And, I can't help but read the wisdom in blakesteele's words... I have often had the same thought on what is going on in the WS's head... And have even asked him several times if he resents my attempt to R. Does he wish I would've just let him "slip away quietly"? And when he got really squirrely during Sept/Oct, he admitted that he had reached a point of deciding it might just be too hard to do the introspection necessary to heal himself. That it would be easier to just walk away. At the same time, he has also said that "no matter what happens with us, (he) will NEVER do something like this again". I think his theory of "no one gets hurt" got totally debunked. Crazy stuff they tell themselves....

Maybe you are really done. And that's okay. Or maybe he really does need the time away to figure things out on his own. Either way, just keep working on healing you. You will end up stronger and wiser and you WILL be happy again!!!!

((((((cant)))))))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again,

I don't know how I would get through without all of you out there. This is a very lonely journey in the real world. People try to understand but they just can't, and for that I am happy for them.

Tonight I am in such pain. Similar to the early days.

I came home early and wh was here. He took the day off. He told me that he is giving up on us for now. He is not happy with me and wants to be happy. He said my daily sadness is too much for him, although he knows that he can help with that. He does not have it in him and does not know why.

I just have to get through until he moves out. I think, I hope I will start to feel better then. It is hard to share a home with someone when the marriage is dead. He was very offended by that and called me morbid.

He also told me I should be grateful that he forced me to become so strong. Yes, I am stronger but I still want to scream in his face, "fuck you asshole!", but I did not. No point.

I am trying to figure finances, very scary, barely squeak by as long as nothing unexpected happens.

I must give up IC. That would take my last dime and I need to try to save as much as possible for the unexpected.

I just didn't think he would give up. I thought he would "get it", or maybe I was just wishing really hard. In retrospect it was pretty clear.

Just trying to get through until it gets better.

I think for him he just cannot accept who he is. If he were to be able to make the effort he would have to admit to himself that he did some really awful things. He would have to face himself.

Out of my control and I have to stop worrying about it. It is no longer my problem. Sure does hurt though.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going through this Cant. I know how tough it is too live with someone when the marriage is dead. Wishing you strength.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((cant))))) Sending you strength and comfort, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your pain and sadness. I know it can't/won't be easy to comprehend that he really just isn't willing to try. He caused this sadness and he's not willing to help heal you. It's beyond what the heart can take sometimes. I'm just so disappointed with humanity at times.

You deserve so much better than this. You know you do. I can't even believe he told you you should be grateful.... Aaaaargh! Seriously, WTF? But, in the end, you ARE stronger because of this. You are wiser. You are still a beautiful person, inside and out, and he is a broken uninspired man who will trudge through life.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak. You've held out hope for so very long, hoping he would come around. I hope you will find a beautiful peacefulness once he is gone. I am just so sorry you are hurting so badly right now....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, your WH admitted to you, that he wasn't man enough to even try to pretend to dig you out from under the house he collapsed on you. Really wish that he had let you know a year ago...

I'm so sorry. I knew that it was time to divorce my first H when I realized that I was lonelier with him IN the house, than I was when he was OUT of the house. It sounds like that's where you are at. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4805 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something he said to me last night and he had said it when he first came back.

I came back to see what was here.

I should have listened to that statement back then. I should have heard its meaning.

I think it meant, means, I am not sure if I am committed to you, not sure if I care enough. I am not sure if it is worth the work and pain.

I just didn't hear it or more like I didn't want to hear it. What I wanted to hear and what I still wish to hear was, is, I love you so much, I am sorry for how I have hurt you, I will work with you to get through this. You mean everything to me and are worth the time, effort and pain to repair and build a new life together. I will be patient and understanding. I will support you and love you through your pain. I have caused this and want nothing more than to prove to you that you are so special to me. I understand how hard it must be for you to believe me, to trust me, to feel safe with me. I will comfort you through your pain. I will work on myself so that I am the husband that you can trust and love safely.

Just dreams.

That is not reality, just my heart longing for love and understanding. Longing for commitment. Longing to be loved.

I wish that I had been stronger sooner.

I am still in a very sad place today. I keep wondering, is this my fault? Did my deep pain and inability to regulate it push him away? Make it impossible for him? Did I make it seem insurmountable? Am I living in the past instead of forcing myself to see the present? Why are his efforts not enough for me? Why do I constantly want more? Is it me? Am I not seeing things clearly? Is it my fault that we are not moving forward?

IC today. I think I need it.

Just struggling. I feel rejected again. I feel like I am not good enough for him.

He is leaving because I am too sad all the time. He is leaving because my pain hurts him and that is all he gets from me. I am afraid today. I am afraid that I am stuck here forever. I know what I am supposed to do, but today it just feels too hard. How do I find the heart, the will to do what I must for me? Trying to remember why I even want to.

This all sounds pathetic, even to myself.

Hell, I don't even blame him for wanting to get away from me, I wish I could get away from me.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let us know how IC goes today. I hope it helps.

I was just thinking about your comment earlier that you might need to give up IC for financial reasons. I totally get that, but also worry that you need it. Hope I'm not out of line with this suggestion, but would you consider asking your son for some help with "rent" if he moves in? I believe this is reasonable, given he is 28, and would provide some funds for you. Just my $0.02.

I am just so sorry for your pain. My H has similarities to yours in not wanting to do the work necessary to truly fix himself. He says he wants to fix things and will show me in actions. I see a lot of improvement, but not the whole-hearted effort I believe is needed. When I read your words of what you wanted to hear from him, it just rings so true for me (and I believe for most BSs). Why is it so hard for them to say these words? Do these things? Why is seeing us writhing in the pain they have caused us a justification for walking away? It's just too much to comprehend.

I fear so much ending up at the same point as you, looking back at it all and wondering if it was worth all the effort and hurt to try to R. Not sure when it is time to cut our losses and give up on hope. Reading your words gives me a glimpse into what my future may hold also. I so wish I had the right words to help you through this. I just want you to know that your friends here on SI care very much for you and wish you the very best.

Sending virtual hugs, as always. May you find a ray of sunshine today, something small to smile about, any little thing that will bring some happiness back into your life.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still,

Hopefully my son will be able to contribute. He has been going through a similar situation himself and coming home is starting over for him.

I was hoping that I would be helping him but now I can only give moral support and a safe home.

It is only temporary for him as he does want to be on his own again. His goal is not to live with his mom.

I hate to give up IC, but I don't think I have a choice, it is just going to be to tight. I just called to price Ad Dr. prescribed and it will be $100 per month.

I will figure it out as I go. I was thinking a second job but I can barely do the one I have.

The hardest thing today, being at work, having an axiety attack and feeling so alone.

I keep looking at my phone, expecting...

When will this stop hurting???

I am sitting here crying at work. It is so hard to hold it together.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry!!!! Yet again, I can totally relate. I really need to find a full-time job to either a) help with our financial situation or b) be able to survive on my own... but, like you, I am REALLY struggling to get my work done for my part-time job. My backlog is getting overwhelming. And, I am still unable to focus... 10 months after Dday. I don't know how we ever get it back together enough to function as we need to. It is so frustrating on top of everything else we are dealing with. Just sending hugs and wishes for strength and peace.

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. I know how it feels. Is your son home now? I hope that will provide some comfort and joy. I don't think you want him as a permanent roommate any more than he wants to be one --- and that's all healthy. But, in the short term, I think it will be really nice for you. While it's hard for me to keep functioning as a decent mom to my 3 teenagers, their love and support sustains me on many days. (Other days they devastate me, but that's life as a mom of hormonal emotional teenagers, right?)

Really hoping time with your IC will help in some way today....

((((cantaccept))))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still,

I am trying to just get through moment by moment. It feels a bit unreal, again.

If I look to far ahead it is too overwhelming.

My head has been churning over every conversation. I just remembered, he brought up separation a few weeks ago, in anger. I was the one that started this conversation, asking if that is what he wanted. I started wondering if this is what he wanted all along but was afraid to bring it up.

I guess it doesn't even matter. I have to let this go. It is awful though, all the triggers that I thought I had a handle on are coming back without the comforting thoughts to ease them.

I feel so lost. I feel like I am going through everything all over again.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cantaccept)) please take very good care of yourself. Get a girlfriend/family member by your side, get a massage...

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:21 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It must feel like the loss of Dday all over again -- that horrible feeling of being abandoned... again. I am so very sorry.

Please take care of yourself. I know you are devastated. My heart breaks for you. Hang in there! Day at a time... or moment at a time, if needed.

You are strong. You are wise. You are beautiful. You are kind and compassionate, loving and forgiving. You have done everything you could, but you cannot do for him what he won't do for himself.

Better days are ahead. Time will help. Hugs...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
lovedmesomehim
♀ Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi There, Can't.

I can "see" that this is a really rough time for you, but as the others have said:

You are stronger
You are kind
You will make it

So, your son is coming! Good for you! God has a way of giving what you need, when you need it. We can all see that you are hurting and need someone to give you a real, live, hug. Your son is there by now and he can fulfill this need for a bit.

You are replaying the things your husband said in previous conversations and that is normal, I would think. Can't, most men don't try very hard to be all that "deep" or too Deepak Chopra-esque. Don't try to read too much into what he said last week. He is confused and "closed off" and probably doesn't even KNOW what he said or meant. Forge ahead and just concentrate on yourself for now.

Can't, we all wish you the best. These are hard days, but they are not the same as the ones you experienced before you obtained insight....befor D Day. Now you are aware of what is going on in your life and can make informed decisions.

Cry if you must. According to the numbers registered, there are thousands of shoulders here for you.


Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an update.

Therapy was very helpful.

My son is home and will be moving in with me. He is very excited about it and I look forward to having one on one time with him.

He is the middle boy and anyone with multiple children understands how hard it can be to find that one on one. There was always another child around!

We have become much closer over the last few years, especially this last one and I look forward to deepening that bond with him.

It is a gift that I never expected.

Again, thank you to all of you for your support, encouragement and compassion. You have helped to keep me going, given me hope.

sincerely,

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also told me I should be grateful that he forced me to become so strong.

Seriously? Wow. Just . . . wow.

I'm so glad your son is going to be there with you. Keep at it in IC. ((HUGS)) to you!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((cant)))))
I am so sorry. You are strong, but I'm glad your son is there.
Your WH is so far from where he needs to be as a husband and as a human being.
Take care.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no cantaccept! I have been thinking about you a lot the last few days and dont' know how I missed this post?

I am so very sorry!

Sisoon is right. He is often right. This is about your H. Not about you and not about the problems in your M.

You are not asking for the impossible my friend! The things you want - remorse, respect, open-ness, kindness - a caring heart - are all things you so rightly deserve.

He also told me I should be grateful that he forced me to become so strong

No. He is weak. And he is also an ass for saying this. You are the strong one. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you are strong.

Hell, I don't even blame him for wanting to get away from me, I wish I could get away from me.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are an honest, caring person with a big heart - a heart that was willing to forgive. If only...He is a fool for not seeing your beauty.

We are here for you ((cantaccept))


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to chime in that I'm sorry it's come to this. On the other hand... it's a new beginning and you will be so much happier now that your road is clear and you are no longer banging your head against a brick wall. Please be kind to yourself and stop with the self-blame. This is not your fault and you did your best. You are brave and strong for trying to R, and should never feel ashamed for that. (And I totally get the FU response to his statement about strength. I'd prefer NOT to have had this little learning experience, thank you very much!) Too bad your WH is too weak to take up the challenge. His loss, and I mean that sincerely.

((((cant))))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there... Just checking in to see how you are doing today.

I hope you had a nice day with your son.

You have lots of friends here thinking about you and wishing you peace and strength....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Topic Posts: 61
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