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User Topic: never telling if BS doesn't know
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


pigs and mats eh???? OK!!! that explained it for me.

..Cultural anthropology 101


smy... now back to our regularly scheduled program!

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is that in modern societies people pay a bigger price for breaking an apartment or car lease than for breaking their marriage vows. Plus, the leasing company gets a security deposit. They know to get the pigs and mats upfront.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had the mentality/idea that he could conduct his "secret/LTA" and I'd never know...SO, therefore: I'd never be hurt. didn't work out that way - because he was LYING to his little OW too; and the OW finally caued THE BIG SHOWDOWN...OW got tired of waiting around from WH to divorce me and marry HER - SO the Secret Affair was revealed!!

I "knew" something was wrong with my marriage...but I honestly never suspected infidelity or an adulterous affair (Stupid me).
But I was HURT, even if I didn't KNOW: because my husband abused me on every level a woman can be abused (other than physical abuse)....I was abused verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and mentally. SO, in my opinion: There's no such thing as it being OK "to never tell the BS."
The damage is done, anyway!!!

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew something was wrong from the day my H first kissed OW. He's not a good actor or liar. I thought maybe it was fear of failure at work, but it got worse. He would contain the shame for awhile, and then it would burst out in anger at me.

In order to do what he was doing, he had to disconnect from me. He had to twist his positive image of me and turn off his empathy for me. My kind, generous, affectionate H became emotionally abusive.

I read about midlife crisis and irritable male syndrome. I researched sudden onset mental illness, and worried that our children might have inherited whatever H had. I suggested all kinds of things we/he could do to address his behavior and was rebuffed. I started IC without telling him.

He pushed me away and shut me out every way he could, so I detached. I closed my mind and heart to him to protect myself. Our conversations were nice, but shallow. The sex was great, but it was just f@cking.

Our kids noticed H's coldness and impatience. They began to turn away from him and only bond with me. His distance and meanness began to erode our trust in him.

We almost had two unspeakably bad consequences. First, there was an incident involving one of our children running off and being missing for 45 minutes until the police found her trying to walk home alone at dusk. I don't want to go into the details, but it happened because H's attitude towards me was so dismissive that we couldn't communicate effectively, and because he had damaged his connection with our daughter to the point where she wouldn't listen to him.

It was an utterly terrifying 45 minutes, made worse by the underlying mistrust I had for my H. The climate of lies and anger in our family led to our nine year old being at risk.

The second worst case consequence of H's festering secret would have been suicide. He was having suicidal thoughts during the week before I discovered the A. The twisted situation was dredging up his abusive childhood, and he lost the ability to think clearly. He felt trapped, OW was blackmailing him, and suicide began to look like the only way out.

It's like broevil's tagline says, "Your secrets keep you sick." Sick people are unsafe, and their unhealthiness touches everyone around them. The only way towards healthy is the truth.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read this today:

"Whatever truth we feel compelled to withhold, no matter how unthinkable it is to imagine ourselves telling it, not to is a way of spiritually holding our breath."

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am the BS that doesnt know. Its been 5 years. I had the signs things were not right. I also believe this may not have been the first.After the PTSD, I have come to see that H is Functioning professional alcoholic. I see that it was the cause of everything including his weakness.(Another topic) I made my own "conclusions" about the details. I dont want sex or love details. He denies everything . My realization has had many turns. I am angry that I have had to become a detective, phycologist, counselor and student to know anything. I ve gone thru shock, fear, unimagineable pain, denial -over and over. With no answers. I have calmed down emotionally, but its not far away. I now see my H as very broken, falling apart, and panicky. H is a mess. I am BS, neglected spouse, lonely spouse and I feel emotionally abused. I have said many times, this is not the man I married. Now I see he is really not the man I married. I dont know the future. No part of adultry is easy. I feel I have gone thru all the symtoms, same as everyone else, but in the end, I get lied to again. I still have hundereds of questions. i just dont care what the answers are now.I honestly dont believe love is real. Except the love for your children. Thanks H. (in case anyone thinks we dont know and we are better protected.)

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:43 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out six years after the affair ended. I didn't find out by my FWH's confession, either. FWH treated me horribly during his 4+ years of infideltiy. Even when he ended it, he treated me somewhat better, but the reality was he was a dry adulterer. He didn't end it because the guilt got to him, he didn't end it because he realized how much he loved me and he was hurting me. Nahhhh, he ended it because he was scared.
No one ends an affair because they realize they are still in love. They end an affair because they are scared. Scared of taking it to the next level, scared of being found out, scared of ruining their life. ~ Rick Castle
My FWH wasn't remoseful until I found out. Until he was forced to face the consequences of what he did was he able to start looking at himself and take full responsibility for his choice. Only then did he start working on his issues that lead him to believe that having an affair was an okay choice to make.

I believe most WS's won't do the work on their own. Won't do the hard work of healing themselves and facing their issues. I believe that there would be a wall between the spouses and true intimacy won't be possible. Even if the WS did the hard work, and fixed themselves and became a better spouse, that real intimacy will be hampered. However, I feel that if a WS went into the healing process with the mindset of not telling, if they were truly "fixed" they would realize that they would need to come clean. And that it wasn't selfish to confess.

rachelc, great quote. Do you know who said or wrote it?

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SI Staff
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Please do not call out another member. It is against the guidelines.

If you have a problem with a member, feel free to PM a moderator.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the delay of my response.....I was reading through the general forum today & came across this one. It is a few weeks old but I had to respond & here is why......

Another poster says they will take their affair to their grave, and their spouse has said if anything has happened they do not want to know.

This is ME that "Kierst13" is talking about above. "I" am the person on the wayward side, that was responding to another poster about him not telling his wife, etc., etc.

I have been been thinking of beginning a post myself for both BS & WS to respond about this very thing. And I have read everyone's pretty brutal responses to "Kierst13" before this & just know that I am not looking to try & absolve myself of my A, but it isn't as simple as just confessing to my BH.

My story is in my profile, but to summarize.....1st, my BH & I were in an "in-home" separation at the time of my A back in 2008 & we barely spoke to one another due to his not working for 2 1/2 years & not having any intention of going back to work, so I was basically done with the marriage.

I moved out of the bedroom, we did not have sex, we barely spoke & if he would have gone to stay with friends or family at that time as I asked, we would be divorced today. But he wouldn't leave (too easy to sit back & let me work & watch us lose our house, I guess. And he has a college degree) & I had no place else to go so was pretty much stuck.

So "A" happened VERY briefly during this in-home separation time.

I have tried confessing to my husband on several occasions but I am cut off, very loudly, by him & told each time...."I don't want to know".

I have even tried to go ahead & just get it out there, but am always cut off to the point of causing fighting about him not wanting to know. He says we were separated & neither of us was in a good place in our marriage, so it didn't matter what we did during that time.

If I came out & told him now, against his wishes, it would not be pretty & not due to my confession.....due to me going against his "not wanting to know" issue.

So I feel stuck. I have done months of counceling about my problems, have no worries or desires to EVER stray again, so what do I do??? By his comments, I know that he pretty much knows something, but will not let me tell him anything about that time without flipping his lid & screaming "not to say anymore".

I won't comment right now about the other postings about not being able to have complete intimacy, etc, because frankly, our marriage is stronger now than it ever has been. I was also tested for every STD with my yearly exams WAY before BH & I were ever intimate again, so that was thought about & addressed & there was NO way he would have ever caught one, even if I had, as we were not having sex during this time.

So come on & give it to me!!! 2x4's if needed but truly.....even though everyone's comments were pretty brutal, what would you do in my case????

I do want to add that at this time, I WILL NOT tell my BH. We are going on 6 years out & we have rebuilt our marriage & fixed all of the other issues causing our breakdown/breakup & are quite happy at this time.

But it still lurks in the back of my mind & I do still feel regret, shame, nausea, sadness, etc., etc. about my actions. I just continue day by day to try & be a great partner in our marriage.

So any BS or WS out there......I am open & ready for your input, so let me have it!!!

Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband's IC told him, he didn't have to tell me. He did allegedly tell me and the IC everything. Then six month later told me more, then told the IC what he told me. He hadn't been honest with the IC either. In retrospect I truly wish I didn't know. Then I wouldn't have lost my health and the damage my daughter has gotten over this.

sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, I think true R can only happen if you confess everything. That way it's all on the table and unlikely to TT out later and cause more pain. I think it is also important so that you can get to the bottom of why, so it doesn't happen again.

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG6886 ~ your situation is a little unique. You actually did try to tell, he doesn't want to know. You have done what you can. The reality is, he knows, but doesn't want to "know". He wants to rugsweep. Fine.
But it still lurks in the back of my mind & I do still feel regret, shame, nausea, sadness, etc., etc. about my actions.
Him rugsweeping and it lurking in the back of your mind is keeping you both from being totally intimate, there is a little wall there of what has not been dealt with.

There is nothing you can do. I believe you have done your due diligence. Someday your BH may come to you and ask. Don't beat yourself up and continue to:

I just continue day by day to try & be a great partner in our marriage.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 32
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