pigs and mats eh???? OK!!! that explained it for me.
..Cultural anthropology 101
smy... now back to our regularly scheduled program!
Well...it didn't work out that way - because he was LYING to his little OW too; and the OW finally caued THE BIG SHOWDOWN...OW got tired of waiting around from WH to divorce me and marry HER - SO the Secret Affair was revealed!!
I "knew" something was wrong with my marriage...but I honestly never suspected infidelity or an adulterous affair (Stupid me).
But I was HURT, even if I didn't KNOW: because my husband abused me on every level a woman can be abused (other than physical abuse)....I was abused verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and mentally. SO, in my opinion: There's no such thing as it being OK "to never tell the BS."
The damage is done, anyway!!!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
In order to do what he was doing, he had to disconnect from me. He had to twist his positive image of me and turn off his empathy for me. My kind, generous, affectionate H became emotionally abusive.
I read about midlife crisis and irritable male syndrome. I researched sudden onset mental illness, and worried that our children might have inherited whatever H had. I suggested all kinds of things we/he could do to address his behavior and was rebuffed. I started IC without telling him.
He pushed me away and shut me out every way he could, so I detached. I closed my mind and heart to him to protect myself. Our conversations were nice, but shallow. The sex was great, but it was just f@cking.
Our kids noticed H's coldness and impatience. They began to turn away from him and only bond with me. His distance and meanness began to erode our trust in him.
We almost had two unspeakably bad consequences. First, there was an incident involving one of our children running off and being missing for 45 minutes until the police found her trying to walk home alone at dusk. I don't want to go into the details, but it happened because H's attitude towards me was so dismissive that we couldn't communicate effectively, and because he had damaged his connection with our daughter to the point where she wouldn't listen to him.
It was an utterly terrifying 45 minutes, made worse by the underlying mistrust I had for my H. The climate of lies and anger in our family led to our nine year old being at risk.
The second worst case consequence of H's festering secret would have been suicide. He was having suicidal thoughts during the week before I discovered the A. The twisted situation was dredging up his abusive childhood, and he lost the ability to think clearly. He felt trapped, OW was blackmailing him, and suicide began to look like the only way out.
It's like broevil's tagline says, "Your secrets keep you sick." Sick people are unsafe, and their unhealthiness touches everyone around them. The only way towards healthy is the truth.
"Whatever truth we feel compelled to withhold, no matter how unthinkable it is to imagine ourselves telling it, not to is a way of spiritually holding our breath."
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“He has no idea how beautiful the ordinary becomes once it disappears."
[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:43 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
No one ends an affair because they realize they are still in love. They end an affair because they are scared. Scared of taking it to the next level, scared of being found out, scared of ruining their life. ~ Rick Castle
I believe most WS's won't do the work on their own. Won't do the hard work of healing themselves and facing their issues. I believe that there would be a wall between the spouses and true intimacy won't be possible. Even if the WS did the hard work, and fixed themselves and became a better spouse, that real intimacy will be hampered. However, I feel that if a WS went into the healing process with the mindset of not telling, if they were truly "fixed" they would realize that they would need to come clean. And that it wasn't selfish to confess.
rachelc, great quote. Do you know who said or wrote it?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
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[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
Another poster says they will take their affair to their grave, and their spouse has said if anything has happened they do not want to know.
This is ME that "Kierst13" is talking about above. "I" am the person on the wayward side, that was responding to another poster about him not telling his wife, etc., etc.
I have been been thinking of beginning a post myself for both BS & WS to respond about this very thing. And I have read everyone's pretty brutal responses to "Kierst13" before this & just know that I am not looking to try & absolve myself of my A, but it isn't as simple as just confessing to my BH.
My story is in my profile, but to summarize.....1st, my BH & I were in an "in-home" separation at the time of my A back in 2008 & we barely spoke to one another due to his not working for 2 1/2 years & not having any intention of going back to work, so I was basically done with the marriage.
I moved out of the bedroom, we did not have sex, we barely spoke & if he would have gone to stay with friends or family at that time as I asked, we would be divorced today. But he wouldn't leave (too easy to sit back & let me work & watch us lose our house, I guess. And he has a college degree) & I had no place else to go so was pretty much stuck.
So anyway...my "A" happened VERY briefly during this in-home separation time.
I have tried confessing to my husband on several occasions but I am cut off, very loudly, by him & told each time...."I don't want to know".
I have even tried to go ahead & just get it out there, but am always cut off to the point of causing fighting about him not wanting to know. He says we were separated & neither of us was in a good place in our marriage, so it didn't matter what we did during that time.
If I came out & told him now, against his wishes, it would not be pretty & not due to my confession.....due to me going against his "not wanting to know" issue.
So I feel stuck. I have done months of counceling about my problems, have no worries or desires to EVER stray again, so what do I do??? By his comments, I know that he pretty much knows something, but will not let me tell him anything about that time without flipping his lid & screaming "not to say anymore".
I won't comment right now about the other postings about not being able to have complete intimacy, etc, because frankly, our marriage is stronger now than it ever has been. I was also tested for every STD with my yearly exams WAY before BH & I were ever intimate again, so that was thought about & addressed & there was NO way he would have ever caught one, even if I had, as we were not having sex during this time.
So come on & give it to me!!! 2x4's if needed but truly.....even though everyone's comments were pretty brutal, what would you do in my case????
I do want to add that at this time, I WILL NOT tell my BH. We are going on 6 years out & we have rebuilt our marriage & fixed all of the other issues causing our breakdown/breakup & are quite happy at this time.
But it still lurks in the back of my mind & I do still feel regret, shame, nausea, sadness, etc., etc. about my actions. I just continue day by day to try & be a great partner in our marriage.
So any BS or WS out there......I am open & ready for your input, so let me have it!!!
But it still lurks in the back of my mind & I do still feel regret, shame, nausea, sadness, etc., etc. about my actions.
There is nothing you can do. I believe you have done your due diligence. Someday your BH may come to you and ask. Don't beat yourself up and continue to:
I just continue day by day to try & be a great partner in our marriage.