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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Knowing everything
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone else struggling with the feeling that they don't know everything even though WS is insistent about having disclosed it all?


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 713 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. My WW is always saying that she told me everything, but then as time goes by and I'm asking more questions, sometimes there's something new coming up. It's really hard, you have to listen to your feelings.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time I have had that feeling I've been right.

Just sayin'.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have that feeling. Just a general feeling, and also in relation to specific questions that I feel he is lying about. There are answers he has given me that I just don't believe because they don't make sense. They aren't huge but any falsehood is a killer right now.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes i think this never goes away. I am starting to come to the realization I will never know everything. But its infuriating because you feel like he shared all these secrets and special moments with someone else and we just have snipets of this fantasy world.
So sorry you are going through this.
Sending Hugs!!


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jesu
♂ Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got TT for 6 months, leading to multiple DD. Even now I don't really believe I know it ALL, but I'm pretty confident I know most of it.

If you're unsure, keep asking, keep pushing. Trust your gut feeling, because in my experience my suspicions usually turned out to be correct 99% of the time.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
dmg35
♂ New Member
Member # 41552
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah. Same here WW said she had told me everything but I don't believe it.

She may actually be telling the truth but how do you believe someone who already lied to you, who betrayed you..

I am still trying to believe it but not sure if I ever will

[This message edited by dmg35 at 11:32 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: north east
stillprettyupset
♂ Member
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. I always wonder what I don't know. The woman can tell me what I said at a dinner party 6 years ago, but just can't seem to recall all the details when I ask about her affair.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one. For a short while I was questioning my intuition, but it has been spot on the entire time. I knew WS was "somewhere else" the entire time. So I've told her that I know there is more and that I am unable to move forward until she tells me what I don't know. I've adopted parts of the 180 to empower myself so I'm able to rely on myself for healing in the meantime. She continues to insist that I know everything, so I'm very worried this will result in a separation at the very least. She keeps saying that it wasn't worth the Loss of our relationship, but our relationship isn't worth losing me. If I can't trust, I can't stay.

Is it possible that they forget a lot of the details due to justification or compartmentalizing?


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 713 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you deal with what makes little or no sense, iwillNOT?

At this point she will tell me what I need to know and build trust or I'm moving on. I don't have time for this in my life, and I didn't deserve it. I'm not arguing anymore, and I'm not holding her hand in attending to me anymore. I'm just tired of it. And I'm drowning in the details that don't make sense. It guess I need to let them not make sense without my relationship with WS, or have her make it make sense by disclosing it all and we can move forward together,


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 713 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible that they forget a lot of the details due to justification or compartmentalizing?
In short, nope. She is deciding for you what is worth your knowing. Maybe she is justifying it by telling herself it will cause you unnecessary pain. Maybe she is justifying it by telling you what you don't know won't hurt you and there isn't any point. No matter how she is compartmentalizing or justifying it, the point remains that you are left in the dark - again. She holds all of the power, and you are begging for what little you can get. Don't do it. Be willing to lose your marriage, there is a good chance that is what it will take to get her to open her eyes. You told her you can't move forward without the truth. Now concentrate on yourself and your son. You don't have to separate until you are ready, and it may never come to that. My WH swore up and down for months that I had the truth, what I had wasn't even close. Listen to your gut, and trust in the 180. Worst case scenario is that you come out of it healthier.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still have the feeling over things that happened 10 years ago.

All I can do is use my common sense and life experience to look at everything and move forward.

The TT after my first dday lasted two years and now I look back and realize than an objective person would have told me the whole story in two sentences. I so desperately wanted to believe what he was selling so I threw my instinct and common sense out the window.

I agree with the other posters. If your gut is poking at you, pay attention.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We will never know everything. Even with the most remorseful spouse who tries to divulge everything....there will be things they forget. Honestly forget. There will be conversations that were inconsequential to then that we would think were very important. There is just no way to get every word they said. And what makes it even worse is that the AP probably knows plenty about us bc they were most likely getting a play by play of our lives and marriage the whole time the A was going on.

It sucks.

If you think he is hiding something big, like another AP or PA when he has claimed otherwise, I would strongly suggest a polygraph.

But all the little things....we will just never know. I hate it.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not getting trickle truth or lies this time. but there are things I will never know. Like what her face looks like... I worry that every short bleached blonde with tattoos is her. And I hate every blond girl that walks by.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think to WS it's little things I'm hung up on. But these things are directly related to the intent and depth of deception in my mind. She says the relationship started innocently, as she was just needing someone to confide in about her building anger and resentment toward me. But the story about how OP got her number and started texting her first seems sketchy. I think that WS knew OP was attracted to her before she went to her as a confidant. And there are two records of texts sent from WS to OP, one per day with no response from OP, the two days after she claims she ended it with NC. It was the middle of the night after the second mystery text that I discovered the long record of phone calls. She said it was a mistake by the phone company or that a mutual friend used her phone to text OP. And the day she ended it she claimed it was because OP propositioned her to go from EA to PA. So of course, I question who really ended it, and if there was more of an attempt to follow through with PA that wasn't disclosed. Ugh! My mind can be my worst enemy.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 713 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
marionwendy
♀ Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally feel this way! My WH remembers everything huh funny he just cant remember the night of his ONS? How do you really know if they tell the truth they were all so good at lying before so how can you trust what comes out of their mouths?


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly? I don't ever recall reading a story here where the betrayed spouse was given 100% of the unvarnished, bare-naked truth the first time out of the gate.

Not a one.

On D-Day, they're grasping at anything to try to make themselves look as innocent as possible. It's ALL about covering their asses and trying to minimize their involvement in the affair, usually by claiming that it was the sneaky, manipulative, aggressive, wicked affair partner that forced them to stray - while they fought all the way until they finally succumbed from sheer weakness.

Pfffft.

Guard your heart. Your gut is screaming to you for a reason, and that would be because she's still lying to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:17 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is amazing totally different people from all over the country experience the same things and hear the same words. I told you everything. I don't remember. Nothing happened. We are just friends. Amazing.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

same here... WW claims I know everything, but I feel there is more out there. I'm struggling with the decision of having her take a polygraph just so I know for sure I have the information I want to know.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. I always wonder what I don't know. The woman can tell me what I said at a dinner party 6 years ago, but just can't seem to recall all the details when I ask about her affair.

Exactly


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 30
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