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User Topic: Banned from visiting newborn
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm just struggling with how to keep the right elements of their situation in mind as I figure out how to support them and be of help.

I was essentially homebound after DS was born. This is what I suggest:

When you start feeling better from your cold, take her a meal or even a couple of freezer meals that are easy to reheat.

I like simplydevastated's idea to go over and babysit so she can get some sleep. This happened several times and I was so grateful.

I had some relatives in exH family that came over and brought me lunch one day then cleaned the kitchen for me. They took care of DS so I could wash my hair over the kitchen sink. (complications prevented me from showering) I'll never forget that gesture. My mom and my exMIL came over and did wound care (complications) and helped me with light housework (couldn't lift anything bigger than the baby). That was a big help to me.

She's likely feeling overwhelmed with everything. If you think it would be helpful, talk to her H. Tell him you fear she might have PPD/PPA and that he should probably step up for his W sake and help her out some. At the very least he could encourage her to talk to her OBGYN about the possibility of her having it. I hope it might change things for her but I honestly doubt it. If I were you I probably would NOT say anything to the H as it's clear he doesn't care. Instead, I'd just try to be there for my friend as best I could.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:34 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2010
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've offered to babysit and been rejected ... So I've even just shown up with food and things for the baby.

One time she met me at the door and wouldn't let me in because she said the baby tends to cry in the afternoons. I told her I don't care if he cries. He's a baby. She still wouldn't let me in....

He says that they bicker a lot because she won't let go. He thinks they should let me babysit if I offer. She won't do it.

Even when she does have company over, you can almost feel her counting down the seconds before she takes the baby from you.

I'm only invited over if the baby is having a "good" day. I think thst means a day when he slept the night and hasn't been crying? Even then, she'll call or text well after dinner on a work night when it's impractical to come by...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she a first time mom? They can be a bit extreme. My sister wouldn't let anyone touch the baby without going through a "cleansing cycle." With the second baby she practically threw him at me when I showed up. (I was like, woah, I just got off the Chicago Blue Line let me wash up first! )

After a baby is 90 days old they do not have to be "cocooned" like before. Their immune system is much improved.

And from my perspective as a doctor when you have a cold you aren't infectious anymore after the first five to seven days. You will keep having some symptoms but that is just while your body is repairing the damage to your sinuses, nose, trachea, etc.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2081 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't want people to keep telling me to get away from my baby.

I totally relate to this.

It sounds like she has some postpartum issues - depression or anxiety. But I don't know how you approach her about it. If anyone had told me they were worried about me when my daughter was a newborn, I would have felt like they were worried I wasn't a good mom. Because that's what I was worried about.

I would have been so grateful for someone to come and clean my kitchen or my bathroom or do laundry so I could just sit and nurse my baby. And it was a long time before I left my daughter with anyone but her dad. In the first few months, I didn't leave her for more than a quick run to the store. For me, it was like a biological imperative to be by her side.

As for why she is saying her husband is abandoning her if he leaves the house - well, this is Off Topic, so I will just say it sounds like she knows him well and worries that he maybe is. I wouldn't be going for lunch or having conversations about my friend with a man who obviously has poor boundaries.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 11:50 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One time she met me at the door and wouldn't let me in because she said the baby tends to cry in the afternoons. I told her I don't care if he cries. He's a baby. She still wouldn't let me in....

This worries me. Is she hiding something else and just saying you can't come in because the baby cries. Everyone knows that babies cry. It's their only form of communication at that age. It would be wonderful if the could say "Hey Mom! I need a new diaper." But that doesn't happen.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first time parents are so nervous sometimes =) I'd take the cold thing with a grain of salt and respect her wishes...

however, the part about her DH abandoning her if he leaves is a little concerning... I would say that is extreme. Does he work outside of the home, how does she feel when he goes out to work

has she been out of the house in 3 months. If no, that is very concerning.


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister wouldn't let anyone touch the baby without going through a "cleansing cycle." With the second baby she practically threw him at me when I showed up. (I was like, woah, I just got off the Chicago Blue Line let me wash up first!)

LOL!! This was me when my kids were newborns!!!


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow, I feel like a really crummy friend reading all these replies. My thinking on all the new mommy idiosyncrasies; respectfully opt out. You reached out, it's her turn. You have a life too. Why should you have to bend over backwards trying to accommodate when she isnít respectful of your time and your plans? When she is ready to quit trying to micromanage everything she will appreciate the support you are offering. Until then it just seems like wasted energy.

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He loves her and the baby. I have no doubt.

There is no love here.

And her not letting you in sounds so much like a domestic violence issue to me... Just does. Sorry.

I think your friend might need professional help... but getting her to see it is going to be very hard.

I feel sorry for that little baby... sounds like he's being raised in a glass hot house.


Me: BSO - 45
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24350 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And her not letting you in sounds so much like a domestic violence issue to me... Just does. Sorry.

It does to me, too. Which is not to say that the new mom might not also be going through some post-partum mental health concerns. Only that when I remember how things were for ME back then, well, I behaved in the same way. I was very vulnerable, I knew if anyone came around and asked certain questions then my humiliating plight would be revealed and a whole new set of problems would crop up. I needed to compartmentalize it all and try to keep me & the newborn baby magic separate from the abuse that was happening.

What would have happened if someone had known the truth? I don't know. The visiting health nurse was very close to the truth. In fact, I know she suspected. But she also knew I had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, no support of any kind. For the time being me staying in the home, not really having the father of the children involved with them, was the best option.

But that was my situation. Many times people don't realize the hidden abuse that causes people to act in incomprehensible ways.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 3 months old, the baby is an infant, not a newborn. She sounds a little controlling, even for a first-time mom. I can understand being concerned about you being sick, but some of the other stuff you described definitely sounds odd..


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Feb 2010
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I'll admit it's quite possible there are some domestic issues going on here-- violence is not one of them. Of that I'm certain. She may be neglected by her husband. He could be emotionally abusive (in fact, I think this could even be likely). She may not want anyone to see how controlling she is. Maybe she's just a control/neat freak and doesn't want me to see the house messy or see her emotional... but he's not hitting her or the baby or anything like that. As I've said, I've known him for almost 20 years and there's no way. I can see almost anything but that.

My guess is that she is having anxiety issues with the baby... and with him.

And I tend to put it on her because he is the one encouraging her to allow people over, to go out with the baby, to go out without the baby (and allow one of their friends to babysit), to let me come over and keep her company, for her to just go to work and let the nanny do her job. She is the one who is creating all of these strange rules and parameters.

I actually sort of want to go to lunch with him, not to talk behind her back or encourage bad boundaries, but to give him a forum to talk to me, if he needs it. If she's showing some symptoms of a post-partum issue, but she's not receptive to suggestions of help, it may take some group thinking (him, his family, me... her family isn't in the picture) to strategize...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:04 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
blackbirdfly
♀ New Member
Member # 41131
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One time she met me at the door and wouldn't let me in because she said the baby tends to cry in the afternoons. I told her I don't care if he cries. He's a baby. She still wouldn't let me in....

I agree with some of the above posters. This sounds like an abusive situation. I had PPD after my first baby and my husband was incredibly cruel and neglected me. Exhibited much of the same behaviors.

I was so ashamed of what my life had become that I didn't want to let anyone in, not even my closest friends. Especially not them, in fact. I knew they would be the first to recognize what was going on.

It was horrible. My only advice - be persistent. Let her know you are always there to help. Offer to be there and help whenever you can. I wish I had been able to ask for help, but since I couldn't, I lost almost all my friends. They had no idea what was going on and were hurt because I cut them off.


Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38

Kids, yes.

Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2013
blackbirdfly
♀ New Member
Member # 41131
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I would have been very uncomfortable with my H going to lunch with my best friend alone - like he was getting my friend while I was home with the baby. Just one more instance of him having freedom and me having none.


Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38

Kids, yes.

Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2013
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there is some guilt on her part that is fueling the anxiety or anxiety fueling guilt? I can only imagine that if you made appts to abort and then you have this baby that you love more than you ever thought possible and you think about the what ifs? Just a thought and NO judgement on my part. Just another perspective given what you have mentioned. I hope she gets some sleep and things settle down for her.

In the meantime, I think you can reach out periodically with, you know I am here for you in any way you need. Then it is kind of up to her at that point.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6431 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few days before her daughter was born, my BFF asked if I had a current tetanus shot. She wanted to make sure anyone visiting the baby was current on their immunizations.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49447 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New Moms are overprotective and that is a good thing for the baby. Please don't be offended at her for wanting you to stay away until you have been well for a period of time. There was a time when no one was allowed to be near newborns until they were three months old or so.

As far as the husband I think there is more going on. She may be feeling insecure about him right now or maybe he had an A and she has found that out. He may even made some off colored remark about you and she took it to heart.

Keep in touch with your friend and support anyway you can. I agree with other poster make sure she is not suffering from PPD.

Congratulations on being a Godmother. It is a honor, great job and responsibility


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this story has sort of...blossomed from the original post.

Do not take her rebuff of your visit personally. Even without her crap husband, new moms are hyper-vigilant. Time goes slowly and quickly all at once - the baby vortex. So she called the doctor and it still wasn't good enough? OK. Well, I'd let that go.

I remember refusing help with my first. Babysitting, advice, all of it. I wanted to do it myself. I didn't want help. I freaked when people kissed my baby. Germs, cold sores, and...too intimate! If a receiving blanket touched a public object on one side, it was either "done" and thrown in the wash, or flipped over to the "clean" side. With the pressure from her husband and the lack of sleep, oh - it'd just be a mess for her.

I'd bet she hears a lot about what she's doing wrong. What's she doing right? She obviously cares greatly about her newborn. Maybe if you and others can build her confidence by pointing out her good mothering skills, that and time will help her let go a bit.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is SO much pressure on a mom. No one tells you that besides growing a baby, you need to grow a thick skin so you can let all the comments/messages/etc slide right off of you.

As a mom, your damned if you do, and damned if you don't. The amount of judgement is just astounding.

Breastfeeding (or not), sleeping arrangements, trying to teach a child to be "independent," technology are all hot button issues, with strong messages about what "the good mother" does and what the "bad" mother does.

It doesn't stop with preschool. Then it's activities, driving, allowances, college choices, etc.

It goes on, and on, until someone in the parent/child relationship dies.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 8:48 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember refusing help with my first. Babysitting, advice, all of it. I wanted to do it myself. I didn't want help. I freaked when people kissed my baby. Germs, cold sores, and...too intimate! If a receiving blanket touched a public object on one side, it was either "done" and thrown in the wash, or flipped over to the "clean" side. With the pressure from her husband and the lack of sleep, oh - it'd just be a mess for her.

This rings true to me.

Just to clarify: while I am close with her-- I have only known her since she started dating my friend/ her husband less than 4 years ago. Her husband and I have been best friends since we were children... so he is the one I know better and am closer to. We refer to each other as brother and sister, we are so close. I was in the delivery room when his real sister had a baby 10 years ago / lived in his house for a summer kinda close. I am more often called "Aunt Phantom" than godmother with the baby.

So my going out with him for a lunch or whatever, historically, would not be odd. I just always try to include her if she's around.

And he is most definitely not having an affair. Most definitely not. He would tell me.

He can be neglectful and say some bone headed things in front of her-- but he is also very loving in his way. His biggest sin is that he just looks uncomfortable being a primary care giver.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
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