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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Handling work events
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This Friday is my work's holiday party. My WW says she doesn't feel comfortable attending because my boss and at least one co-worker know that she cheated.

While talking about this in MC I revealed that last year, during her A, a co-worker pulled me aside to ask if "everything is OK?" after WW criticized me harshly for missing a highway exit. The co-worker, who is a more junior manager than I am, was in the car.

Later on during that same car ride I had told WW that I was planning on taking an upcoming Sunday off so we could spend time together and instead of her being happy about it, she became angry with me, again in front of my junior co-worker. Today I know that she became angry because she had planned to spend that day with OM.

Long story short, after MC she called me at work and freaked out about my co-worker saying that she shouldn't have "butted in." She was in the car!

I'm trying not to point out the obvious, which is my WW cheated on me with a co-worker and continues to work with him.

I think WW is deflecting. Is she? WW says I'm defending my co-worker by saying she can ask me whatever she wants, it doesn't have to mean she'll get an answer beyond, "Things are fine" - which is what she heard from me.

Am I failing to protect my WW here? This is what I'm being accused of.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I failing to protect my WW here?

Exactly what protection does she think she's entitled to? She cheated on you. She dissed you in your colleague's presence. Does she think she can control the consequences?

She doesn't feel comfortable attending your party? Doesn't she realize that's appropriate?

It sounds to me like she hasn't taken full responsibility for her A.

In conclusion, I think you're giving her more protection than she should expect. I hope she realizes it very soon.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8872 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it is uncomfortable for her to see your boss and co-worker, I would suggest to her that this is one of the consequences of her own bad acts. With respect to the comments of your co-worker, the comments were prompted by the actions of your WW, again. I would also remind her that she continues to work with her AP, which is probably "uncomfortable" for you, to say the very least.

I am not sure whether what your WW wants protection from? Does she want protection from facing up to the consequences of her actions?


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 327 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's how I feel too, that she's asking me to insulate her from the consequences of the A.

This is driving me away from her.

I used to think of WW as the love of my life. When I first found out about the A, I was crushed and determined to do anything to keep us together.

Nearly 10 months later R is hindered by them working together and -- this is my story -- I feel that she's not assuming personal responsibility for the consequences of the A.

Why am I still trying?

1. I still care about her.

2. For months she refused to assume responsibility for the A. She now accepts it was her choice. I hope she will come around to also accept responsibility for the fallout.

And if not, then I have to choose whether to stay or walk away. After all the detaching over the last 10 months, walking away no longer feels like an impossible choice for me.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 4

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