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Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: well here i am
izzybear7
♀ New Member
Member # 41620
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

never thought i would need help from this site but i do. read my profile and let me know what you think. i am at a loss. trying each day to forgive and move on but its a lot harder than i thought it would be and i find days where i question if i am doing the right thing for my baby girl...does it ever get better or easier, and do you ever get back to the way things were before the affair

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
BrokenMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How has your WH been acting since you let him back in your life? Have you two been in any counseling?

I understand the part of falling in love again, I did that a few weeks after I found out. Its weird. It made me realize that I do love him and so I will give him a second chance, now he has to prove himself worthy of me. I will not take back the man he was, he has to become a better man.

I have 2 kids and they were the first reason I thought I needed to stay. But as much as I don't want to break up my family I am not willing to be miserable the rest of my life. I am about 6 weeks out and I have my good days and bad. Luckily more good, but it is still SO hard. I feel numb a lot.

Have you read the 180 yet? I read it several times before I started to act on it and it has been good. Hard, but good. It has helped me start to rediscover who I am.

I think that this is one of the worst things to have happen in life, And the odds are against us. BUT for those that make it thru, life is better then it was before the affair. I think its not the same love as before, but a better one when people truly reconcile.


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi izzybear7,

I do not think anyone gets back to the way things were before the A, and I do not think you want to. In my case, before the A was with a resentful W who felt entilted to people making her happy, and me a blinded H taking the blame for all that was wrong in the M. Thankfully, those people are gone now, along with their old M.

Do you think he asked to come back, and you accepted him back, because you both really see a future together and love each other, or because returning to the status quo was easier?

so we are currently working on things,

What things are you working on? What is he working on? Specifically, what is he working on to address his internal issues that found him turning to OW for affirmation/sex/comfort during your pregnancy with his child? Is he doing any IC? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how these books do or do not apply to his A and your M? How has he changed from the person who betrayed you? Has he been open and honest with you about any details or questions you have about his A? Is he transparent now about texting, where he is, what he does? Does he make an effort to help with family and house work, and to spend time with you in fun activities? Does he know and speak/act your Love Language? Has he developed better personal boundaries and demonstrated them? Does he communicate honestly, including when he is unhappy so thta resentment does not build? Does he appreciate when you speak honestly to him?

The more things like above he does and sustains doing, the better your relationship with him can get. The more he does things like the ones above, the easier it will be for you to heal and get to acceptance of his betrayl. I would focus on experiencing your emotions, even attending some IC for you, and not focus on forgiveness and moving on at this point.

Once he has identified and is fixing his issues, and you have progressed in healing, then starts hard part #2, working together on the M.

Do the right things for you, and I bet that you will also be doing the right things for your baby girl.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get better but it is probably going to be the hardest work either of you has done and no you don't get back to how it was before, but if you both do the work you get something better.

I think it's important for a WS to figure out why they made the choices they did and figure out how to handle those situations later. If it turns out your H was nervous/stressed about being a parent and the A was his way of sort of hiding from it, there will be issues in the future that will make him nervous/stressed, what is his plan to deal with that in the future? That is important for him to sort out. For me, the healing was a one step at a time sort of thing. I needed to figure out how to feel safe with my H again, I didn't trust him and I needed to figure out how he could help rebuild the trust and I needed to be willing to accept his efforts. I needed a good IC to face all my anger and resentment, b/c that doesn't just vanish, it has to be worked thru.
I had to learn how to communicate better and so did my H, we never found a good MC but I read a ton of books and tried different things. I think a good MC could make that much smoother, but everyone one we tried made things worse.

You'll have to grieve all the losses, you lost a lot of your beliefs, that old marriage, etc and it takes time to come to terms with what that means and figuring out what this new marriage will be and what your beliefs are now.

I guess I just want you to know it can totally get better, your marriage can be a much better marriage, you will get to a place where you don't think about the A for months and when you do it doesn't tear out your heart but it was really hard work for both of us, it doesn't just happen and time alone doesn't heal shit :) Try to stay in the moment and address the issues as they come up.
It's been 6 years since d-day and it's 1000 times better than we were even before d-day. We talk more, we're more honest and more willing to listen and work out whatever problem we have.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
izzybear7
♀ New Member
Member # 41620
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your replies. i appreciate all the advice. at times i think he is working on things but he has more of a "sweep it under the rug" and lets not talk about it much. he is more open and loving. and does spend more time as a family man. i know he is sorry, its just hard to view him as the man he was before the A

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi izzyb

how does the statement

...lets not talk about it much.

and the statement
...he is more open

Both apply to your WS?


at times i think he is working on things

Can you talk with him about this? What is he trying to change? How?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 4:58 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get better and you can get to a place where you feel happy again.

At nearly 10 months I'm already feeling glimpses of that.

Please seek IC and MC. My personal experience is that without professional guidance R is slower and more difficult.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
izzybear7
♀ New Member
Member # 41620
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he doesnt like to talk about the a much. but he is open about his feeling which he never eas before, he communicates so much more than he ever did. i am in c but he doesnt feel we need to go

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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