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User Topic: What do I do?
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Stop  Posted: 9:53 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

15 months ago my husband found out through my cell phone that i was having an affair. (That embarrasses me to even say) When he found out I was in shock and made a lot of mistakes. Of course, I ended the affair and I never looked back. I never ever want to see that person again, ever. My husband and I spent every day going forward talking and bonding and crying together. Then he approached me with a plan he felt would help him move forward. He'd gone to a lawyer and spoke with him about the options we had in filing for a divorce. He wanted it to be simple and fast. The only thing he needed was for me to abide. So he told me that he would be there and hold my hand through the entire thing. That nothing in our lives would change and no one on the outside would be the wiser. He just needed this, so he could have a defining moment to use as a building block moving forward. He had the papers drawn up and that's where I relinquished my rights to any and everything so that he would know that I love him only for him and nothing else. I agreed and within 3 weeks it was over. Then the anger stage hit. Every possible thing he could say to hurt me came flying out of his mouth. He was never physically abusive, ever. This was all words. Screaming and yelling and putting me down in any possible way he could. Needless to say, my self esteem took a hit. But then, there would be moments when the man I knew would surface and I'd fall in love all over again. But as fast as it came it left. One of the very reasons I fell into the nightmare that I did was feeling unwanted and unloved and alone. And here I was again, feeling that same way. Once a spouse learns of an indiscretion all trust goes out the window. But what the BS doesn't understand is that it truly can be a one time thing and never happen again. And if the WS is sincere and wants to make it work then they are going to do everything they can to prove it. It's when they can be trusted "the most" odd as that sounds.
Anyway, the talks and questions kept coming. Full force. And I made the mistake of lying one time and it caused such a set back that I will never make that mistake again. Granted, I don't want to hurt him any further with details that are irrelevant, but he is the kind that needs all the information so he can process it and make sense of it in order to move forward. At least I thought. We are now at 15 months past D day and he is not better at all. He refuses to seek council and has read every book and article he could get his hands on. Although nothing has been used, because he says he doesn't want to have to "trick" himself to rid himself of triggers or pain. Over the past 15 months he has said he can't do this, he can't handle it, and can't can't can't. He doesn't want to be with someone who could do this... He doesn't want to have to be reminded every time he looks at me. And has kicked me out about 4-5 times. During this time I either went to a girl friends house or slept in my car. He always called me back. This past Monday he sent me a text full of anger and ultimately told me it was over and that he wanted me to leave. He said that he has made no progress and is still in the same place he was 15 months ago. I don't know what to do. He has told me that he is in love with me, as recent as yesterday but that he can't do this anymore. He believes that if he wouldn't have agreed to "take me back" that I would be with the other person. Which is not true. He also says that the only reason i chose to stay with him is because of finances. Which, again, is not true. My only concern is him. And I want more than anything is for him to let me just love him and prove to him that I want him for the rest of my life. Every day, Unconditionally. Nothing about our lives ever was about me using him or leeching or being a gold digger. When we met we both had nothing. But somehow he thinks that that's the only reason I didn't leave him. I even proved it in our divorce when I signed over EVERYTHING- just for that reason. Everything I say has a nasty rebuttal. He doesn't "think" he will ever trust me again, he doesn't "think" he could ever be himself with me again. He doesn't "think" the triggers will ever stop. He doesn't think there is any way to move forward. Everything is negative. I am trying so hard to be positive and say positive things. But it's hard. And sometimes I just fly off the handle and get just as negative. So, he told me he just can't do this anymore and its over. Of course I was hysterical. He says everything that has happened in the last 15 months is a direct result of my actions. But to me, that's not true. WE decided to stay together and try to make it work. HE decided he can't and I need to leave. That is 100% his choice. So I made the calls I had to- I set the arrangements and put things in motion to move out. Then last night he tells me that he doesn't want to label this time as a "separation" or a "break" but he needs this time to heal. That he worries I won't be there waiting when he is ready to move forward. But in the same breath he says that you can't prove that your love is forever and true and that's what he wants. And thats what I can't give him. So what do I do? I got an apartment that I am moving into tomorrow. I had to borrow the money and I'll have to get a job fast as rain- but I'll make it on my own. Then he tell me that he needs to see that I don't "need" him. That I am capable of living without him. I'm so confused. Does he want to make this work or are these head games? I'm scared and terrified I will fall flat on my face. I've never lived alone before and I've never had to pay the bills. And now I have to and I have to get a job to do it. I've always worked but I've been laid off for 2 months. I'm just gonna die of being scared. I love him with every ounce of my heart. I don't even feel like what I did was real. It feels like a dream. Please Help Me make sense of this.


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. So much of your post resonates with me. I just wanted to post quickly and say that you are not alone...and I will be back to post a full reply tomorrow. Welcome to SI! There is much help and healing here.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Senraba:

Welcome to SI, sorry you are here but you will get a lot of support.

Our ddays are pretty close together and kinda on the same path with our BHs... The anger stage for my BH started pretty much at the 3 week mark after the birth of our daughter. We conceived 6 weeks after dday and we were totally committed to R. Now with this anger stage, I don't think we will make it especially along with preA issues still there. Anyways, my thoughts when reading your story is that you will need to go along with your plan

He's already asked you for a divorce.. You complied.. He's kicked you out 4-5x.. You complied. You now have an apartment that's ready to move into and now he's trying to mix you up again.

I know it's hard to say goodbye to a 13 yr relationship but it sounds like it's already done. It doesn't seem like your BH wants to heal in a healthy way.. No marriage counselling? No individual counselling? Have you gone to counselling for yourself? I did 10 months of counselling which helped me a lot. Internally I feel stronger than ever.

What are you showing your BH in terms of being a different person than before? He still sees the same person who cheated. I almost think you need to 180 him. Start to live your life to get healthier. Do you work out? If not, start. If so, take up more. Let him heal as he says he needs and if he sees you making changes, either it will help your relationship or help you move on.

I hope I've made some sense. Lack of sleep might have caused me to ramble...

Good luck and keep posting


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I didn't come back to this post yesterday.

So many of the parts of your situation are similar to mine. My XH also caught me via my cell phone...he also wanted a D and told me that it was the only way he would be able to move forward and eventually R. I complied without balking because I believed him, and then he changed his mind and told me he no longer wanted R after all.

I can totally relate to your feelings of being scared and alone. I felt the same way at first. I had never really been by myself, and it was overwhelming.

But you CAN do this. You CAN make it on your own, if that's the way this works out for you. You will be able to get a job & support yourself, and you will learn to really get to know yourself and become self-aware. Eventually, you will get strong enough to realize that you don't "need" your XH or any man to complete you and fill your soul. And eventually, you will be ready for the right man (whether that's your XH or someone new) to come into your life.

Your X might not be playing head games. There is a huge likelihood that he's overwhelmed with all of his emotions and can't deal with you right now. That is fair of him, but it's also fair for you to be unable/unwilling to keep going back and forth solely at his whim. You are not in R right now. There is, of course, the possibility of R after divorce---I'm doing it right now. But R to me is both people working toward a reconciled relationship.

My best advise is to just focus on you and on getting healthy. Learn to make your own money and rely on only yourself---you can't imagine how empowering that is and how good you will feel inside when you know you don't need to depend on anyone else to take care of you. Work on what inside of you created the mindset to choose to cheat. Go out with friends. Try a new activity. Read some good books, spend time with family if you can. Who knows: you might very well end up more attractive to your XH and he might want to R someday after all. Or...you might not want him back someday.

Best of wishes to you.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is playing head games. I think it is a case of retaliation.

I would move into the apt, get a job and focus on you and your child. He will have to deal with himself. For cripes sake don't have sex with him either.

Get a counselor if you don't already and get your head on straight.

I know I am the last one to give advice, and I understand that the betrayed spouse has rights to their anger, etc. But sometimes, it gets to be too much. I just paid out $30K on property and a home. If he thinks I will just walk out on that, he is crazy.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:13 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your infidelity may have been a deal breaker for him. You cannot control what he does or how he feels. So let go of the outcome and focus on yourself, and building a life for yourself.


One of the very reasons I fell into the nightmare that I did was feeling unwanted and unloved and alone
.

You did not fall into a nightmare. You made a choice. To cheat. To lie. To chuck your marriage vows out the window. You don't get to blame your affair on "feeling unwanted." Lots of people feel unloved, and don't choose to have affairs.

I'm not seeing you take responsibility for your affair, or the state of your marriage afterward. I'm only seeing you blame your husband for failing to "get over it" on your timetable. You refer to your affair and lies as "mistakes." No, you deliberately betrayed your husband. Own it. See how deeply your choices hurt and devastated your husband, and have compassion for him. Accept that he has every right to be angry, and every reason not to trust you.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 774 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see Senraba as not taking responsibility for her affair. I see her working through it and I see a woman who is scared. Part of the reason she is scared because she singed away rights to any of the property of the marriage. That was a big effort on her part to show she is genuine.

Kicking her out of the house 4 or 5 times is strictly abusive, IMHO. Your husband has not seemed to get a handle on his anger and pain. I know he has anger and pain, because my wife has anger and pain and did not abuse me in such a manner. The affair seems to have given him a free pass as far as he is concerned.

I think you must face your fears Senraba and move into that apartment. Commit to making your own way and give your husband the break he needs. However, I would suggest a 180 with your emotions. They seem to feed your husband. He throws you out then says he doesn't want to lose you when he may or may not want you back. You can only help a partner with their pain if they want you to. Your husband is giving you clear signals he does not want you to. You have a right to move on with your life as well. IMHO he is using your affair to put you at the lowest level, and keep you there.

I read many posts in the reconciliation forum where BS are questioning themselves and digging down to find out if they are being helpful to the marriage and healing or not. That is how true reconciliation happens. It is two people. Your husband seems unready for that. You are a human being and deserve to be treated as one.

I am not saying that Senraba doesn't need to help her husband to heal his pain. I am not saying that her husband doesn't have a right to feel the pain. I am saying that for the health of both of them, this situation is untenable. They both must agree to R and both work at it. I am not seeing that right now.

As ever, my suggestion of a 180 in this relationship to a wayward is to treat it with respect. Treat it with idea that you want to stay married. Don't use it as a tool to hurt your husband. Be married in your heart and head, until such a time as your husband says it is over or decides to try again. You would be doing that to protect yourself. I am seeing a person destroyed by the idea that she must do ANYTHING to make her husband happy. That is simply wrong on any level.

The saying on here is that you can't "nice" a person out of their affair. The same holds true and you cannot "nice" someone into wanting reconciliation. You can do a lot of damage to yourself in that process. We are all here to learn to have healthy relationships and heal damage that was done. This does not resemble that.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, all who have posted their opinions. Even the ones that were hard to read are appreciated.
The first thing I want to address, is in one post it was said that I refer to my affair and my lies as mistakes. Well, mistakes are actions we learn from right!? Bad choices, mistakes, no matter what you call them, learning from it is the most important thing. At least, I think.
I also wanted to mention that the morning of, when I was to sign the lease agreement, my BS stopped me. He made no promises things would be different but stopped me nonetheless. 2 weeks have passed and right now I am spiraling because he decided to tell me that if I had $20,000 in the bank, he wouldn't have stopped me. Is it wrong for me to care that you can't afford it?
I have done everything I can physically and emotionally do to prove my love, yet I get nothing in return? I just keep remembering what he said to me. That no matter how long it takes for him to "get there" if I give up and leave, I was never really his to begin with. He doesn't seem to understand that I am 100% sincere and will not be a repeat offender. But I don't know how much rejection I can handle before I break.


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 8

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