Topic: WW want me to take 50% blame
Member # 35526
| Posted: 1:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013|
But, she wants me to take 50% of the blame for the affairs. She is incredibly defensive about it.
I don't know what to do. We have three kids who are really suffering. I really don't want to put myself through more pain.
The adultery/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or your marriage. NOTHING.
She is simply USING IT AS AN EXCUSE BECAUSE IT'S THE EASIEST EXCUSE TO USE.
In my opinion, this is not even a matter of pulling the "180" on her. Read the statement you made above and be completely honest with yourself. Lets keep it simple, cut to the chase and have a singular goal in mind.
Rid yourself of this toxic shit in your life.
File for divorce and move on. Your kids don't deserve to go through this woman's neurotic bullshit.
Doing better than this backstabbing, cowardly adulterer will be a breeze. Believe it.
I Divorced Her.
Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 30817
| Posted: 1:19 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013|
So, to be clear, if you take 50% for the 4 affairs she has had to date, will you also have to take 50% for #s 5 and 6 and beyond? Because I guarantee you, if you accept this blame there will be more affairs.
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi
Posts: 6564 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 35128
| Posted: 1:26 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013|
It's simple... you need to kick 100% of her ass out the door, grab the kids and file for D.
Tell her that because she didn't clean the shower this morning, you're off to go get your dick sucked by some 24 year old... and it's her fault for not cleaning the shower.
Reverse that stupid mindset a foggy, blame-shifting WS uses to try and protect their weak and damaged lies and excuses. Put it RIGHT back on them, and mean it.
Blaming an affair on a problematic marriage is like having a small kitchen fire and someone deciding to pour gasoline on it. When the whole house explodes and burns down to the ground, it's the fault of the person dumping the gasoline on it... period. The right thing to have done was to douse with water or use a fire extinguisher.
BS (ME): 44
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Member # 21886
| Posted: 5:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013|
FWS here. Hope that's okay.
I read the topic title and immediately thought WTF??? She has GOT to be kidding!! I'm sorry to see that she's not.
As others have pointed out, that is Grade A, 100% prime *bullshit.* You didn't make her choose to cheat. You didn't hold a gun to her head, you didn't threaten the kids and say "Cheat or else..." She's not only unremorseful, she's a coward. She isn't brave enough to own that choice and she's not brave enough to look inside herself to find out what's broken and *how* it's broken. What she's doing is the equivalent of blasting the radio when she hears a funny noise coming from the car engine.
Cut your losses and cut her loose. She's cheated *four times* and has zero interest in finding out why because it's easier to blame you. She'll cheat again. I'll damn near guarantee it. You've given her more chances than she deserves. Don't give her another one. Close the bakery and demolish the sucker.
BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
Posts: 5893 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Member # 36146
| Posted: 6:50 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013|
Honestly, some people should just be single. She is one such person.
Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34353
| Posted: 7:43 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013|
Gently, I have to ask why you would want to R with someone who has had 4 A's? I couldn't do it.
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile
Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 23014
| Posted: 6:37 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013|
You have to be 50% responsible. otherwise that makes her a whore.
Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 24719
| Posted: 7:11 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013|
I'd say, "i may be half responsible for problems in the marriage, but I was in the same troubled marriage, and managed not to cheat."
My WH tells me over and over that it's 100% him, and it was nothing to do with me, or even our marriage... Just his broken way of dealing with problems.
Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen
Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 35992
| Posted: 8:04 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013|
Sadman, wow, I think we are MARRIED to the same woman!!
Almost exactly same situation with mine. Same exact 50% comment, same number of As, same lousy experience (except I'm still at home, so far).
If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: FLORIDA
Member # 31240
| Posted: 4:14 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013|
It doesn't matter how many WSes say or how many times a WS says responsibility for the As is shared. Repetition doesn't make it true. Responsibility for an A rests solely with the cheater.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 10420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
|Topic Posts: 30|