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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He thinks he has two wives?
rosie79
New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WS stayed over last night, says it is his house and he can come and go as he pleases. He told me again he is done with our marriage, I destroyed everything by airing our business, and I never trusted him because I checked his phone. He never told me he was unhappy during the time he said he was, and again they are just friends and I can't see that because I take everything at face value. Hello, besides the constant texts (3000 in 2 months) and long phone calls, him sleeping on her "couch" because he needs space from me for the last 2 months, sending her roses 3 times, the last time I found a pic she posted on facebook and he wrote I love you on them, her posting about her special man, I am pretty damn sure you are cheating on me!! He says I am just jealous because she is a woman, who is basically awesome, and I don't want to understand her and how she is there for him. And again he never cheated on me, I just can't accept he is not in love with me anymore.
Well last night, I found out, he told his friend basically he is trying to have 2 wives, and I am too scared to do anything about it. There is a formal dinner this Saturday and he was joking he was going to buy 3 tickets for both his women. He even told me, supposedly just to piss me off, that he is thinking of taking her. I just don't understand where this self entitlement comes from? This is not the person I married 10 years ago!! For the first time though, I felt nothing when I looked at him except disgust. I tried to work things out because I didn't want my kids to suffer, but I think I am finally realizing I deserve better. If he does take her, I will be ok, I will be packing up his stuff and leaving it on her front porch. I am just finding it hard to find the strength to pack it up and leave it there. This just sucks!!


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change the locks. My first H felt as though he could come and go as he pleased... And that i was supposed to give him sex when he wanted it, too... Because he couldn't have sex until the D was final... I changed the locks...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find some serious anger and use it. He is trying to intimidate you but you are not helpless. If you haven't already gone to see a lawyer then go see a Lawyer or several lawyers for consultations. Don't tell your WS you are doing this. You can't manipulate, love, coerce, bribe, beg, or plead a WS back to a marriage. The only thing you can control and ever could control is yourself. So take back control of your LIFE and don't settle for sharing. Let him go because you deserve someone that will treat you with the respect and love you deserve. Your WS is 100% UNremorseful. Since he is done with your marriage then remove yourself as his wife. Figure out your rights via the lawyer and file for D. It's the quickest way to wake up a WS IF they are going to wake up at all. If he chooses to keep his head up his ass and stay with the AP then by filing and seeing that he chooses her you save yourself months or years of craziness on the rollercoaster.

Check with the L to see if you can in fact change the locks. At a minimum move ALL of his stuff out of your bedroom. Put it in trash bags and leave it in a guest room, the garage, the porch, or the sidewalk, your pick. You are closign the bakery. He no longer gets to partake of your goods while he is out with someone else. Get tested for STD's immediately. Call a locksmith and ADD an additional lock to you bedroom and any other room in the house that you want to claim as yours. Do NOT give him a key. Yep he may be able to come and go as he please (until the lawyer files for temporary orders) in the marital home but life in the marital home isn't going to be the same for him anymore.

Start getting all your legal documents together and put them in a safe deposit box or give them to a family member. Take half the money out of joint checking checking accounts and open up accounts with your name only and deposit it in there. Read about and start up the 180 immediately. You can find it in the healing library. If you used to wash his clothes or cook dinner for him don't do ANY of it anymore. Let his shit pile up in a corner in those trash bags. He wants to cake eat now. He wants his home life to remain the same with you while he gets to go out and do whatever he wants with the AP (affair partner). Detach, start up the 180, ignore him and start doing things you want to do. Focus on yourself. It's tough at first but its the quickest way to emotionally detach from your WS. GO NC with your WH. No Contact, NC, means no new hurts. If the AP is married expose the Affair to her husband, work, family. Use those texts that you have and emails and send the proof.

If you can't do any of that right now it's okay. Just do what you can and keep posting it helps. Please make sure you rememeber that no matter what he says NONE of this is your fault. HE chose to have the A and destroy his M and family life. Nothing you did in the M made him go out and sleep with someone else. So don't let his blameshifting get to you. You will be okay.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:10 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand where this self entitlement comes from?
You cannot and will not (hopefully) ever be able to understand this kind of cray-cray.

His behavior is wretched and inexcusable. D him yesterday.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3370 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
rosie79
New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the hardest part for me is that I know he is having a blatant affair in front of my face, but there is always this little voice that says what if they are just friends and I over-reacted? But even if that was the case, he obviously shouldn't be sleeping at her house for the last 2 months, and he lied about that too, saying he was at his dad's. I have caught him in countless lies these last months, and he just keeps lying and getting angry at me for doing my research. I am a bright, educated woman, and I can't believe I think that way sometimes. I know his denial is part of his game right now, but he actually sounds sincere when he is out right lying to my face!! I know I am strong, I just need to find those bitch boots, and refuse to keep letting him walk all over me.


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the hardest part for me is that I know he is having a blatant affair in front of my face, but there is always this little voice that says what if they are just friends and I over-reacted?
Many of us went through this. That little voice is your heart lagging behind your head. It takes awhile for us to emotionally let go. Our WS's detached from us long ago prior to starting the A. It's how they can go out and sleep with someone while coming home at night to us. They are no longer emotionally attached to us. On dday we are caught off guard. In our minds we logically know what's happening and even want to take steps but our hearts still pull us towards them. The 180 can help with this and it will help you to detach emotionally from him. Over time you will do this as well especially if he keeps acting like an ass to you.
But even if that was the case, he obviously shouldn't be sleeping at her house for the last 2 months, and he lied about that too, saying he was at his dad's. I have caught him in countless lies these last months, and he just keeps lying and getting angry at me for doing my research.
See your head already knows. Some of us need to wait for our hearts to catch up before we can act and that's okay. It took me 2 years including a year of false R before I could act. I don't recommend that path but each of us does what we can when we can and has to take our own path through this. It just took me a long time to get there. The more you find out and the more he denies things the closer you will get to taking action. He is showing you exactly who is right now so believe him. When you get to a point where you are ready to take action he may change his tune on the outside. This is usually more manipulation. Remember excatly who he showed you he is right now if and when that happens.

I am a bright, educated woman, and I can't believe I think that way sometimes. I know his denial is part of his game right now, but he actually sounds sincere when he is out right lying to my face!! I know I am strong, I just need to find those bitch boots, and refuse to keep letting him walk all over me.
Keep repeating this oever and over. Know that you are worth more and deserve more than he is giving you. Keep focusing on yourself, it really does help with this. Start some new hobbies, get in touch with some old friends again and remember to take care of yourself. Drink plenty of fluids and try to eat when you can. Get some protein shakes if you can stomach those and take a multivitamin. We are here to support you so keep posting and do what you can when you can even if it's just venting here.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:45 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH would seem sincere when he lied, too. I'd ask him if he did something with OW and he'd say, "No, Baby."

They lie to protect themselves. It's putting their needs before ours. No one spends nights on a couch when they're sending that woman roses.

Trust your gut. And if you don't trust your gut, trust the experience of us on SI. He's reading right out of the cheater's handbook.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust your gut. You already KNOW, but your mind is trying to protect you because this is scary.

Have you had yourself tested for STDs?

Also, have you noticed all the advice for you is the same? We can help you see reality, and help with suggestions. We have been where you are now and aren't emotionally attached and have the wisdom to see clearly.

He is cheating on you. It stops for you when you say so...


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2379 | Registered: Jan 2010
rosie79
New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually told me he sent the flowers for a thank you for letting him sleep on her couch! The card read, "Hope you have a good day, Love You!", doesn't sound like much of a thank you to me...I keep telling him do you really think I am that much of an idiot to believe your are not cheating on me? Then he laughs and said it makes him happy about his decision to leave me, because I will never believe he was faithful!! I can't believe this is my life right now!


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe this is my life right now!
It won't be your life forever though. No matter how shitty things seems it does get better. It takes time but it gets better. Vent, get it out here, and start taking small steps to do something for your each day.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
MissMoneypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 34714
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rosie,
I beg you: Kick this bastard out !!!

His behavior reminds me so much of my WH and I wish I hadn`t suffered for 11 months after DDay with him BLATANTLY parading his whore and asking me sweetly if I could please look after his mother who came for a month long visit from his country while he was busy screwing the OW.

I suffered so much and just these days , almost 4 years after DDay and just exactly 3 years after I told him I want to separate I still have nightmares, feel unworthy , feel so broken sometimes because I let him mentally abuse me in this situation for so long.

But I also just didn`t have the strength to organize separation, schools for the kids in the first months after DDay.

Please, please do not let this happen to you !!!

Hugs !!!


" The only thing I have in common with OW is our birthday "

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Europe
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can so relate to what you are going through Rosie. My WH told our friends the very same things. He told them if he can afford to have more than one woman, then he should be able to without consequence.

I also had a very similar living arrangement going on. We had purchased a B&B which I was running. We had a contract on the sale of our house. Her husband which used to be WH best friend took a job in another state and she didn't want to move until he was settled. So she settled into our house, which unbeknownst to me, my WH canceled the sale contract on. But he insisted he was just helping out his friends.

I knew better. But it took me about 6 months to finally pull the trigger and file for divorce. And even then I wavered, right until he said he wanted to marry her and have me as his mistress.

I believe one of the reasons he kept denying the obvious was that he thought that as long as he didn't admit to the affair there would be fewer financial ramifications for him in the event of a divorce. And they both wanted it to look like their spouses were paranoid crazy people.

The good news is that when I finally did decide to put my bitch boots on I went whole hog. I had her evicted from my home. Even though he signed a lease to make it all look like it was just helping out his friends, I was a joint tenant in common on the deed. Therefore my signature was required on any lease of the property. And I never signed it. So I deemed her a squatter and had her evicted. He went with her. And I finally felt like I got back control of my life.

You will reach a point where your brain convinces your heart and you're heart will say "NO MORE". It will be very liberating. Not great. But way better than what you're going through now.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he just keeps lying and getting angry at me for doing my research.

He is blaming you for finding out rather than himself for doing it in the first place.

This dude has become completely heartless. Understand that he is no longer the man you married. So, no matter how much you miss him and are grieving for him, this guy is NOT him. Read up on the 180, it will tell you how to behave towards him. Do not give him any part of yourself (grieve in private) as at this point it will only make him feel like he still has you under his thumb and fuel his cruelty.

Get to a lawyer asap and find out your rights.

(((rosie)))


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just finding it hard to find the strength to pack it up and leave it there.

Not your job to neatly pack his stuff and deliver it for him.

Put it in garbage bags and text him that it is on your front porch and if he wants it - come get it or it is going in the trash.

He wants to sleep on this "awesome woman's" couch - then he can take all his stuff with him.

I sooo understand wanting to believe them so badly. But your gut/heart knows he is BS'ing. You don't deserve this so please don't take it.

He has put his and her needs way above you and your kids. Time to dust off your brass ovaries and stand up for yourself. He is going to do what he is doing despite the pain it is causing you, he is showing you that over and over.

Time to love yourself more than him. It is hard but you can do it.

Hugs gf!


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Starfish1973
New Member
Member # 41389
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is time for you to take your life back.

You are not broken. HE is.

You can't understand his actions because you are logical. He isn't. You'll never understand, so stop trying to.

Imagine the relief you will feel not having to deal with his BS.

Call a friend to help you pack his stuff up, and get the locks changed.

As someone else here said, it's time for you to love yourself more than you love him.


Married 11 years. Together for 14
Female, age 40. WH is 47.
DD, aged 6
Found out about affair November 1, 2013
Info is only trickling in :-( it was a long affair.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep telling him do you really think I am that much of an idiot to believe your are not cheating on me? Then he laughs and said it makes him happy about his decision to leave me, because I will never believe he was faithful!!

This is not a man who will fight for you or your marriage.

You've been given some really good advice here, (((rosie79)))!


Me: early 60s
Him: 64 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he does believe is that he has a right to do what ever he wants, and you won't leave OR kick him out.

Bottom line, he is blatantly doing this in front of you, completely disrespecting you and marriage. Imagine what he is capable of doing Behind your back.

He feels like you will do nothing... And so far he is right.

You have to realize you are worth more than accepting crumbs.
Way more!


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 17

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