Just wanted to pop in. Holidays are such a rough time. It used to be such a time of happiness for me, and now I'm so sad all the time and constantly trying to be "happy" for my children.
I do find joy in being with them, but the sadness and pain are so deeply ingrained I can't seem to overcome it.
I am in IC but it's been spotty at best and I'm more frustrated than anything. Trying to find a new one but there are limitations with where I can go due to insurance.
Anyway, I texted this to my friend the other day:
If I could walk into my life right now, I would think it was great: loving, attentive husband, beautiful home, four darling children, close supportive family. But how do I get past the past?
My husband had an EA that became a PA. He hid it for two years before "confessing," which led to two more years of TT - finally so much TT that it felt like another Dday. When I look at my "story" from the outside, it's so horrifying. It's the kind of story I used to read on SI and think "Oh my goodness! Who could ever be that cruel!?"
But here I am. Struggling to find myself, struggling to decide what's right in my life. Trying to reconcile this "new" devoted husband with the monster who did all those horrible things.
I haven't decided to R yet, but I'm posting here because we are still married. Before, I couldn't leave emotionally. Now, I'm trying to be practical. Look at our four kids and really decide what's best for them. So, right now at least, I'm married for the kids. Every time my heart softens just a bit, I think of all that he has done and it makes me want to run.
This is rambling, I know. I'm just so tired and sad and I wish this wasn't my life. Acceptance is hard.Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38
Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.