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Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just a week after actual Dday. Having a bad day.
KingPellinore
♂ New Member
Member # 41421
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned the REAL details of my wife's affairs last week. I believed she'd slept with a guy a couple of times during a separation and came to find out it was more like 20-30 times over the course of two years right after our daughter was born and that news hit me hard. I consider it my actual DDay.

I'm committed to staying married. She says she's remained faithful since breaking off the affair seven years ago.

I'm just so sad today. I'm shaking, I can't eat. I'm not angry with her, I'm just so goddamn sad. I thought she was happy after our daughter was born. I tried to be a good dad and supportive husband. I feel like I failed and the first two years of fatherhood were a shadow on the wall.

I'm just so sad.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, KingPellinore, you'll get through this. The first few weeks are pretty rough.

How are you and your wife doing together? Since my wife also said she was committed to fixing the harm, during those first few weeks I'd contact her (by text, IM, or phone depending on what I had available) when the rollercoaster took a big dip. That bit of contact and having concrete evidence that she was there for me helped a lot.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 278 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
KingPellinore
♂ New Member
Member # 41421
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're OK. I'm biding my time until therapy starts Tuesday.

We've talked about it so much and her affair sprang from low self esteem. She hates herself for the affair so much I'm terrified too much talking about it would put her back in the place where she cheated in the first place.

I'm scared and I'm miserable and I'm at fucking work and I can't talk to anyone. I work with my family and I don't want them to know about the affair.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's hard, but I'm finding that it's worth it to help rebuild my trust in my wife. While I don't work with my family, I was less than a month into a new job in a new city when D-Day happened.

I can't say that my wife or myself were exactly happy to hear from each other when panic or sadness set in, but there was something satisfying in it despite that. The fact, for her, that even though she'd hurt me that I reached out to her for comfort in a dark time was a positive thing. Sure, it brought up her actions and the harm those actions had caused, but it also reassured her that I wanted to stay a partner with her. For her, at least, the positives outweighed the negatives.

And, really, the same for me. She learned that even though she hurt me, hurt me badly, that I still was willing to be there for her when she needed me. I wasn't going to sugar coat what she'd done, nor sweep it under the rug, but I would be there for her as a partner and as a friend. It took, it takes, a lot of strength on both our parts, but I think it's been worth the effort.

Something to talk about with her (and your MC, maybe) at least.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 278 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, sometimes I look at JFO bc I found out last year at this time. I can appreciate how badly you are feeling right now and I also get not having someone to talk with, altho I do recommend you reach out to a good friend. Someone who can support you but will also be a friend to your marriage.

I highly recommend reading the Healing Library (top left) and if you see something that might benefit your wife, print it off for her. After the Affair by Janis A Spring is also excellent.

When you do eat, eat something good for you. I know its hard. And drink lots of water. I actually LOST 10 lbs last Christmas!

Finally...

I feel like I failed and the first two years of fatherhood were a shadow on the wall.

You did not fail, sir. You were deceived. You had no way of knowing. They show us what they want too. They are lost and we are in the dark. You did. not. fail. It does hurt and it will continue to hurt. Keep talking to your wife. If not now, when? Come here and post. Time does heal and please believe that with everything you have.

LA
ps: there is a gentleman on here by the name of Sisoon. If you see his stuff, read it. He offers wonderful guidance.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
KingPellinore
♂ New Member
Member # 41421
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I find stuff by this guy?

I can't find a search function on this site.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go to your profile - top right. Once you click on that you should get a Search feature. You put the name in there. If you don't have a search feature you might want to contact one of the Admin's noted in the box at the top pf every page. My H does not have one and I don't know why. Perhaps bc he has only posted 3x. Not sure if its something you get over time but I doubt it.

There is also a men's group in the "I Can Relate" forum that you might find helpful.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 7

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