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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Have you found anything positive...
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What have you found after entering R that you wouldn't have found, in yourself, in your spouse?

The good,what is it? Has to be something to be able to continue down the R path.

When things got tough for me during R I would hold onto my husband's constant taking responsibility. He owned his actions, never taking the chance to blame or escape what he did. Put it all on his shoulders and carried much of the hurt when I couldn't.

I found strength in me, peace and happiness with myself. I found my good, my worth.

What have you found?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that I have a very full life! in the midst of Ddays I competed in my first triathlon and took on a 2nd job that is very specialized. I did it! That I have lots of friends who think I am the strong and brave. I saw in their eyes how they felt about me when I told them about my 2nd Dday - one friend cried, in the bar when I told her.

Also, my mother was a BS - and left for the OW by my father. She has been my ROCK through this. We weren't close before. We ARE now... That my sister is the most non-judgmental person I know. I'm so happy to have found these things...

edited to add: these are not things that help recovery per se, but they help me no matter where I end up.

[This message edited by rachelc at 11:58 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5062 | Registered: Dec 2010
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have started allowing myself to feel. I never did feelings. FOO stuff. This is too big to stifle. Actually I can for a while but it makes it worse so I'm not stifling. Regarding the A or anything else. I've stood up to my parents and am not getting drawn into the annual Xmas lets all worship my NPD brother ritual.
I've spent more time than I would have with my dd who is 12
Fwh no longer wants to kill himself every day although he's not well I feel that one day he will be

In fact there's so much good stuff it's a shame I'm every colour of devastated right now.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hitting rock bottom has really gotten WH to open up about his FOO issues... And his heart to me, finally. He finally believes I do love him... (He has a lot of foo issues...)


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We found and are finding our way back to each other. We lost each other for years.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am getting to know the real him.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting this evening helping fwh with some work he is doing. He's struggling with his anxiety but he's fighting through and allowing me to be there for him.
Being vulnerable together
This is living


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found my voice!!!

I no longer hold anything in out of fear, embarrassment, keeping the peace. If I think it,if i feel it, I communicate it if I want it, if I need it, I ask for it.

I am no longer trapped in the prison between my ears. I open the door whenever I want. I am free!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A greater love and understanding of myself. And a greater understanding of my feelings. And most importantly a new love for my W.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico- great, inspiring post!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5062 | Registered: Dec 2010
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found that pain, disappointment and hurt are the best teachers.

I found that I survive and thrive in really hard times.

I found I have a great circle around me.

I found how to be content.

I found how to process my feelings fully.

I found out what matters to me.

Would I have found them without the A? I think so. Pain, hurt and disappointment always come in life it if just a matter of how they show themselves.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The realization of how strong I am. .
H opening up to me in ways he didn't in 20+ years together. . .
More vulnerability for both of us...
Great sex. . . Better even that when we first met.
Like marathon, learning to have actual feelings and not just think about things;
Making my son go "ick" because we are so affectionate;
Learning to be an even better team;
I have allowed myself to be closer to a friend, because she is one of the only other people who know;
Oh, and we're working out a lot together, and I have some killer arms! I actually did a handstand in TRX yesterday! So, stronger, healthier body, too.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:56 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found me :). I had sucked it up and stuffed it down so much I was lost. It seems I picked an accurate user name I have just now started to figure me out. What I want. What I need. What I FEEL. <------- this one is huge. I was afraid to me be me and feel things I thought would upset him. I'm not afraid anymore. He's free to take the real me or leave. I'm finding me!!


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found that keeping a part of myself closed up out of fear of being hurt, is a joke. Life will find a way to kick you in the teeth no matter how much self protection you've got going on.

The joy and freedom of living authentically has been my greatest discovery.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6497 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the post karma!

He owned his actions, never taking the chance to blame or escape what he did. Put it all on his shoulders and carried much of the hurt when I couldn't.

This was my H so instead of writing it, I just quoted yours!

This really helped me to feel safe and I let myself become more vulnerable - I usually express things now that, in the past I would normally lock up. I don't always do this but it is easier now.

I am also resilient. I just believe that life is going to keep throwing things at you but if you get out of bed every day and do something productive - even one thing during a truly terrible time, then you build resilience and can better handle whatever is coming 'round the bend.

Also, I really appreciate now when my H calls me out, "You are shutting me out. Talk to me". In the past he would walk away. Now he won't accept that.

Oh. And sex. The sex is good.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:56 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2319 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:12 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. MYSELF! The real me, the authentic me. Not the me I thought I was or wanted to be.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love these positive things...especially because many of them are changes in us, the BS's.

We have all found out how good we are. How to be authentic, use our voices, demand what we deserve and walk a road that feels right.

I hope more of us find it, it's a healthier, happier us and we so deserve that.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 18

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