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User Topic: I think it's over..
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted the other day in the R forum about my H breaking NC after almost 2 years since dday. I hadn't had much of a discussion with him about it until tonight and it didn't go well. At. All.

For those of you that didn't read the post she wrote him happy bday. He replied thank you. That was it. But he deleted it and then told me about it 2 days later. I verified that was the only communication between them with the phone records.

Anyway, I finally found it in me talk to him about it tonight. I just didn't have it in me to have the conversation earlier in the week. What sucks is he's out of town this week so we had to talk about it over the phone.

Well, he thinks I'm over reacting. He thinks what he did wasn't "that" bad. He asked that I trust him. He told me he knows what he's doing. He's upset that I don't trust him.

I told him that he needed to block her number. That I should have had him do this from day one. That he needs to never talk to her again. That was our agreement from day 1. That's why I chose to R...his response was "wow...that's all I needed to hear. Your never going to trust me. Have good night Confused."

I said "and that all I needed to hear from you. Good bye Mr confused"

I'm floored by this. Just speechless. I think it's all over. I can't believe he's being so pig headed! So fucking stubborn. You know what sucks the most? I KNOW this isn't about HER. It's not about him wanting to talk to her when he wants. This is about him not wanting me to dictate what he can and can't do. This is about HIM wanting to control the situation. He doesn't want ME to tell him how to handle things.

And it seems he's willing to let me walk away instead of putting his pride aside. It also seems I may have just wasted the past 2 years of my life with a fucking selfish asshole. FTG


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((confused82402)))

I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be getting it. Hopefully he will make a turnaround.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5957 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((confused)))) I'm so sorry honey. He clearly doesn't get it.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22581 | Registered: Aug 2011
inca
♀ Member
Member # 35298
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi confused,

This debate your are having with your H is one I have had several times. I want him to not develop or maintain friendships with other women, and he agreed to some limits but breached those or refused to agree in some circumstances. I could T/J and explain further, but assume I got the support of my therapist in setting these limits and in saying they were realistic but my H. Just. Could. Not. Agree. So we have been in this dance for 2 years. I find it kind of amazing that this is your WS reaction 2 years out. Maybe look at that. Did he react to other requests to make changes? So with this breach, and I agree it is a breach, this big deal is he did not come to you immediately and tell you, right? If he had that would have been okay, right? Had he, you would have felt that he was trustworthy by doing so? Right? His not coming to you, and then denying that that was a problem, and showing no remorse is the problem, right? Now you are so triggered you feel like he is not trustworthy, but he should understand, and you should explain, that you don't trust him because he failed to tell you and engage in A-like behavior before telling you. I think he totally F up here but if he could see it this way and get out of denial you may be on the same page. If he can't see it this way, then that is a problem.

Sorry you are having this experience!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2012
SummerStorm21
♀ Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry he put you in this position!


BW

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you. So sorry. When BSs have to lead their WS to water and they don't drink anyway, it does not bode well for reconciliation or your marriage. First they shouldn't have to be asked and they sure as hell shouldn't be arguing about it. That tells you that he is not in R. You may be, he is not. And to be honest, it sounds like more than stubbornness or pig headed ness. This would be a red flag to me on something either going in or continuing on with OW or someone else.
Take good care

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jul 2012
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((confused82402)))

I am so angry for you right now. Wow, what an a$$!

He told me he knows what he's doing. He's upset that I don't trust him.

You have every reason not to trust him with her! I believe him when he says he knows what he's doing. He knew what he was doing when he made her the OW too. SMH

2 days or 2 years....NC means NC and should be maintained for life.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is about him not wanting me to dictate what he can and can't do. This is about HIM wanting to control the situation. He doesn't want ME to tell him how to handle things.

Oh God yes. It's 100% about control, ugh.

Well, the thing of it is, you completely cannot control what he does, that's up to him. But you can one million percent control what you will put up with, and I think you're a strong person to know what you can and cannot accept.

((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did he react to other requests to make changes?

My first response to this question was no but thinking about it more, the answer is yes. He did react like this in some instances at first but he always came around and made the changes. In thinking more about it, it seems that when he is told he's doing something wrong, he's first reaction has ALWAYS been to defend it. Like he's doing now but he always seems to come around in time.

this big deal is he did not come to you immediately and tell you, right? If he had that would have been okay, right?

Yes that's part of it. He did eventually come to me. But the big problem is that he responded "thank you". If the situation had been exactly the same but he hadn't written back to her, I wouldn't be as upset.

Now you are so triggered you feel like he is not trustworthy, but he should understand, and you should explain, that you don't trust him because he failed to tell you and engage in A-like behavior before telling you.

Not only did he fail to not tell me right away but he chose to right back knowing I wouldn't like it. And then he defended his actions which is just insane! I told him I shouldn't have to worry about this 2 years out. I asked him when will she be out of our lives for good. His response "she is out of our lives for good confused. I JUST said thank you"

He just doesn't see that saying "thank you" was wrong. He believes that since he didn't engage in a full blown conversation with her that he did nothing wrong. It's complete wayward thinking. But then I wonder, where does he draw the line? What if he happens to see her walking down the street? Does he smile and wave? What if now she decides that he responded to the happy bday wish and now sends a text for every holiday? Will he write back every time? And then what, the "thank you's" turn into "how are you's". Things escalate. And he just showed he would respond after 2 years of not engaging.

It's seriously not that difficult to understand. You had an A with OW now you never talk to her again. It makes sense to me. Why would you even WANT to reply to someone who helped rip your wife's heart out? It's disrespectful to me and I would like to point out if I fucked someone else, thought I was in lurve with him and then pulled this shit, he'd be out the door.

The truly sad part is, had he said to me last night " confused, I didn't think that saying thank you was that bad BUT I understand that it hurt you and I'm sorry. I will block her number and never to this again" i would be in a different place right now.



Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the thing of it is, you completely cannot control what he does, that's up to him. But you can one million percent control what you will put up with, and I think you're a strong person to know what you can and cannot accept.

And I will not accept this. At. All. If he can't handle that, well he knows where the door is and I'm ok with him leaving.


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sorry cantgetup, I just saw your post!

This would be a red flag to me on something either going in or continuing on with OW or someone else.

Usually I would agree but I know he hasn't been engaging with OW other than this and my gut tells me there is no one else. He flat out said to me "I don't like you dictating how I should handle this."

It's all about control. He doesn't like being told what to do and he never has.

It reminds me of that saying "would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" Sadly, my husband would rather be right.


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a waywards first response is always to try and cover their own asses. Mine did the same thing twice with OW before I got it through his thick skull that he was just feeding the continuation of her contacting him again. Of course he didn't tell me and I found out on the phone records. At least he did tell you, which I am certainly not defending his 2 day wait or that he responded at all. I think it takes them a long time to truely process what they are doing and how it affects us and our relationship. I told my WH if he did it ever again, I was done with him and I would not continue to live like this. It has been 8months since the last broken NC, as far as I can tell.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a waywards first response is always to try and cover their own asses.

I agree. But why? I mean, if I do or say something that I don't think is wrong but somehow hurts someone, my first reaction isn't to defend it! My first reaction is to acknowledge that I hurt the person, let them know that wasn't my intent and then apologize. I just don't understand his way of thinking.

I think it takes them a long time to truely process what they are doing and how it affects us and our relationship.

How long do we BS's wait for them to understand? When is enough enough? How do we know when it's time to just give up and walk away?

This whole situation is a mess. A big f'ing mess


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
HeartbrokenDude
♂ Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, he doesn't get it at all. I hope he will, but he's sounding quite clueless right now.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for dragging this thread out but I just got a text from WH. His text is quoted below.

This isn't going to work until there is drastic change.you need to really think about what you want. I handeled situations in the past very poorly and probably will in the future. Until you can not care and just trust I know what I am doing we are doomed. So think long and hard if you can do that or not.

WTF is he talking about? He can't be serious can he? Am I the only one that thinks this is completely fucking ridiculous and arrogant?

We are doomed until I can just not care and trust he knows what he's doing? For real? I need to think about what I want? Oh my, I think I married an idiot

Someone please tell me his text is bullshit and I'm not overreacting...



Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are correct, it's completely fucking ridiculous and arrogant. Didn't he catch the last demo where you trusted him to do the right thing, like not break NC? Not sure if he wants to dictate what he can or can't do or just be a dick.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
misskirby
♀ Member
Member # 34594
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Wow. Hell no you're not overreacting. Seriously? Until you can just not care? He probably would have appreciated it if you just also wouldn't have cared that he was screwing someone else. That is really just unbelievable.


Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
D-Day 1/16/12

"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF is he talking about? He can't be serious can he? Am I the only one that thinks this is completely fucking ridiculous and arrogant?

No, you're not the only one. He is being completely ridiculous. She broke NC and then he broke NC. It's not that hard to see and it's not that he doesn't see it, it's that he doesn't want to comply with it.

That he thinks saying 'Thank You' to her is more important than your feelings says a lot.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His text is BS and you are not over reacting!!!!! Now repeat it until you believe it yourself. Oh, and don't respond. It doesn't deserve a response.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that last text of his is a serious road block. I mean, has he been faking recovery the past 2 years or what?! That is ultra wayward, nonremorseful thinking.

I would probably reply something like "come pack your shit."

He is trying to control you and bully you. I think he hasn't realized how strong you have become.

Ok, maybe my real answer is, "you fail to realize you are the one who blew up our lives and no, you most certainly do not know what you are doing. You are not trustworthy and you have it backwards who needs to do the thinking and who has doomed us."


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5851 | Registered: Jan 2011
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