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User Topic: I think it's over..
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That he thinks saying 'Thank You' to her is more important than your feelings says a lot.

^^^^THIS^^^^ this is the real issue right now! It's not the thank you. It's not that I think he's gonna restart the A. It's the fact that he doesn't give a shit about how I feel! It's the fact that replying is more important than me..than US.

Not sure if he wants to dictate what he can or can't do or just be a dick.

Tred,
I'm leaning towards him just being a dick!

He probably would have appreciated it if you just also wouldn't have cared that he was screwing someone else.

Oddly enough, he starts a lot of the hard conversations. He takes full responsibility for the A. He has from day one. So why is this such a fucking issue for him to understand? I think he's delusional.


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is trying to control you and bully you. I think he hasn't realized how strong you have become.

This all the way! I'm not going to back down. At. All. Your response to what his text is awesome, I just donn't think he even deserves a response!


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly enough, he starts a lot of the hard conversations. He takes full responsibility for the A. He has from day one. So why is this such a fucking issue for him to understand? I think he's delusional.

It is an issue because he wants it to go away. In his mind he has been *punished* enough and he has paid his penance. He now believes it is up to you to be healed and move on. He is better doncha know?

He is not fully remorseful. He thought if he accepted responsibility for the affair through his words, you would get over it. True remorse would show in his concern for you and how you are healing and feeling.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

** danger. using a wide brush here. What follows is true of SOME WS that dont have real remorse in their heart. I am writing here from MY experience with MY WW. YMMV **

I think allot of WS go into *damage control* after Dday. They do what they think they need to do until everything seems fine from their POV. They are *over it* and believe you should be too.

After that they just drift back into their old patterns. Sometimes hiding things. Sometimes violating boundaries you set after Dday. They trust them self not to have another affair so they figure you should trust them too.

When my WW did this I asked why I should trust her. Her reply was simply that she would not have another affair. not because of what it did to me and our M. but because of what it did to her.

So maybe what you are seeing in your WW is this drift back into old habits now that his damage control has done its work.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is not fully remorseful. He thought if he accepted responsibility for the affair through his words, you would get over it. True remorse would show in his concern for you and how you are healing and feeling.

WOW...this is true isn't it? I always thought he was truly remorseful. I guess I was wrong. Very wrong.

That's a tough pill for me to swallow 2 years out. He fooled me. I feel like an idiot.


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This all the way! I'm not going to back down. At. All. Your response to what his text is awesome, I just donn't think he even deserves a response!

Have you really laid it on the line like that lately? I think you should respond hardline and see what happens.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, confused. That text has me seeing red on your behalf. Sending you strength, honey. ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25744 | Registered: Aug 2011
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's weird that in his text he says he handled things poorly in the past and he will probably do that again? But you just need to trust him? Say what?

Contacting the OW with a simple "thank you" totally encouraged her. Given his text to you and this I would be worried that he's warning you he may act poorly again and cheat again. I would wonder if his wayward mindset is returning or if he's building a narrative to support that.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks this is about control when it is really about respect.

Perhaps respond to him something like: You have known for 2 years that I find any contact with OW to be unacceptable. This is not about how I react to what you do, this is about you being unwilling to respect my boundaries. If I cannot trust you to respect my boundaries, then how can I trust you to respect anything about me? I demand respect in this relationship. You are right, this is not going to work if you continue to disrespect me.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you really laid it on the line like that lately? I think you should respond hardline and see what happens.

You know Rebreather, I don't think I really have. Sometimes, I can't quite articulate my thoughts as clearly as you were able to in your response. I'll send what you wrote and see how that goes.


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
SummerStorm21
♀ Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg I would want to punch him in the face!!! And I hate violence.

Do you go to MC? I would not even respond and send it to the counselor with a brief explanation of what happened.

Seems like a reaction like this two years into R is not going to be improved by more confrontation. Something is seriously out of whack for him to snap like that. I would definitely want a third party involved, first and foremost to avoid being the recipient of any more of THAT garbage.


BW

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see any remorse by all this obvious manipulation/ blame shifting. I was not going to reply to this thread until I read what your WH told you "wow well that's all I needed to hear"you're never going to trust me. He stelling you that you need to change if you want this M to work?
My H told me those exact words! What I found out was that he was still making random contract with her. The fact that he wants you to believe his bullshit reply " I didn't want to be rude"
My H told me " it's not my fault, she's really not a bad person"
Her feelings were put before because he still had feelings for her.


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
confused82402
♀ Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to give you guys an update and to thank you all so much for your advice and support. I just LOVE SI

I decided to take Rebreathers advice and text him back. I used her words but added my own to it. My text is quoted below.

I think you fail to realize you are the one who blew up our lives in the first place. You were the one who decided to reply to her text knowing it would hurt me and you didn't take my feelings into consideration. Talking to her in anyway is disrespectful to me. I guess I just don't understand your need to fight me on this. I don't understand why it's so hard for you to do this for me and for us. The fact that you think saying 'thank you' to her is more important than my feelings says a lot about how you really feel about me. The most ridiculous part about the whole thing is your first instinct was to go a head and try to hide it from me. You deleted it all. Yet you want me to trust you? You aren't trustworthy and I think you have it backwards about who needs to do the thinking and who has doomed us
.

I didn't hear anything back from him and assumed he was going to do the whole conflict avoiding thing. He was out of town for work this week and he called me about 7pm on his drive home. I couldn't really talk as I was trying to get dinner out of the oven, had the kids running around and my puppy getting into everything. So he said he'd just talk to me when he got home.

Well he came in with flowers and a heart felt apology. Then we sat down together and blocked her and he said that he's going to go back to IC weekly. He made an appointment for today. He said that he's found yet another thing he needs to work on within himself. There was much more to the conversation but I won't bore you with it all.

Thank you again for all of your support!


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure how helpful this post will be, but something about your experience brought back a bad memory.

My ex joined true.com. He claims he did it while we were separated, but I found out that he was lying about that. I don't remember how I discovered that he had joined the site, but I saw the emails from it in his mailbox. We had a big blow up about it. He said it was just fun to imagine things. That sucked to hear.

I made a fake profile for "Cindy." He was always into Asian women so I found a pic of a pretty Asian woman, described her as about 85% of what I knew he liked, and sent him a message from the site. He had deleted all of the other incoming messages from the other girls supposedly sending a message (some are computer-generated). But, he kept the one from his dream girl, Cindy.

I let it sit about a week, and then I confronted him again. He deleted the email and quit going to the site, but he did not remove his profile. After I put the keylogger on his computer I saw that he still checked the site.

For the two days that your husband knew about the email the ho sent and didn't tell you, maybe he was secretly fantasizing about the OW. I don't know, I'm not in his head. But I find it unacceptable. The willingness to communicate with her was obviously there because he responded.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 34
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