I hope that I can offer you some comfort. I will try.
I have been going through this for over a year now. It has been the hardest and most painful journey of my life. Hearing others say it gets better is so hard to comprehend.
Oddly, I am at a place that I never could have conceived of, even yesterday. This has been a year of growth for me. Growth that I never even realized that I needed to do before. I have finally come to acceptance. The life I was settling for was not even close to what I deserved. IC, reading, posting here, really facing my internal thoughts and beliefs. I feel like I finally have a chance for an honest and fulfilling life. I don't know what that will look like yet but I have hope back.
I understand that desire to have your husband back. My husband left me for ow for two months and then came back. It has been hell. I was giving everything and he was not invested. He does not have the capacity to love or be a good partner at this point. Maybe he never will.
As recently as yesterday, we decided to separate on Monday, I was in a pit of despair. Grieving I suppose.
I think all of the internal work that I have been doing for me just clicked. I actually have peace with this decision. I am able to see that my life will be better without him. All of a sudden I see, "why would I want a man so badly that does not feel the same for me?", "why would I want to give myself so cheaply?"
It really is him, not you. We are so hard on ourselves after this betrayal. Even though our heads know, our hearts just cannot believe it is not our fault some how. Our thoughts hurt us after dday. Tell yourself over and over all the good about you. It takes time but it does work.
I recently started a book, still working through it but it helped me to shift my thoughts. It is called, "Living and Loving after Betayal", by Steven Stosny. He offers very concrete methods of helping you change the meaning of what has happened. I has helped me.
I wish that I could offer more but just know that it will get better. It will get better no matter what the outcome. I didn't believe it either.
I didn't believe it yesterday! I know now that the emotions are changeable. The lows are followed by levels if not highs. I know now that when I am in a pit it is temporary, it really is, I promise. You have the power in yourself to heal yourself. It is not easy but the outcome can be better than you ever imagined.
It is such a selfish thing to do to someone you are supposed to love. The thing of it is someone that does this is not a healthy person. Please know, know in your heart, it is not you. You did nothing wrong. You are strong, be proud of yourself for not calling him. You are honoring yourself.
One thing that helped me, I am a mother and have always been better at protecting my children than myself. When I am in doubt, feeling bad about myself, I try to ask, "if I was talking to my child, my daughter and she was telling me the events or these feelings in her heart, what would I tell her?"
It helps me to be kinder to myself.
It will get better. I wish none of us had to go through this pain.Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie