Well H is 41 today. Really hard to celebrate when one minute I love him and the next I almost hate him.
It helps that we have a young son we have to keep up appearances for. So he has his birthday banners up, his presents, his cards and even a birthday kiss although it had to be on the cheek as we had a huge row last night and I am having trouble kissing him at the moment. I keep thinking of him kissing her. I am baking him a cake today too so I think I have done quite well overall.
Yesterday was terrible. The red mist of rage hit me when he was being so cagey and clinging to his original story that he didn't want or fancy her. After dragging it all out of him, hearing him say the same old stuff made me soooo mad.
We have been though it and I know he fancied her, not much physically but a lot mentally and therefore he did fancy the whole package. He has also admitted he did want her until after things got physical then he didn't want her anymore.
So when I ask questions that pop into my head and he says stuff like there was no attraction and he only ever wanted me I go nuts.
I know Amazing wonder twin was saying the same the other day and it's identical here.
I didn't even realise I could get that angry. We were back at the sti clinic last night and I stormed off on him - hmmmmm, this is me who has social phobia and anxiety and never lets go of his hand if we are out! It really freaked me out when I found myself ten foot away from him, stutter gone, anxiety gone and pure rage coursing through me. I think it frightened him too, made him realise just how affected I am by his downplaying cos we talked late into the night and he went back to facing the truth.
I guess it's hard for him to face the truth after all his and my minimising so he answers any questions that come up with the old story.
He has made it all far more confusing than it needed to be and I am still really mad about that.
My sti results and treatment is half good half bad. I have had recurrent oral thrush since he slept with her and have had around 8 courses of treatment. Within 2 weeks of finishing pills it's back so my gp referred me back to the sti clinic for treatment. The doctor tested me for everything that could suppress my immune system and it all came back clear so at least I don't have diabetes of thyroid problems or god forbid hiv to worry about.
The problem is the strain I have is bog standard and should have responded to treatment so I am a bit of a puzzle to them. So instead of a week or two of treatment he has put me on a two MONTH course. Says to go back as soon as the symptoms reappear if they do and he will keep me on it long term. He also has some colleagues in a nearby city that are doing studies on thrush and he will consult with them and let me know if he gets anywhere with them. I thought he was very kind to go to so much trouble. I think I am a medical challenge lol.
I am so pleased cos every time I have this crud in my mouth I think where it came from It's clear it came from her as neither of us ever had thrush until he had sex with her. It will be so nice to know I have 2 months ahead of me thrush free, especially over xmas.
H is still testing clear. He had it but it went after first course of treatment. They kept treating him just in case we were passing it between us but his last few tests have come back clear. I guess the infection just likes me