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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When did you start dating?
Lisa2You
♀ New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm nowhere near even contemplating dating. But I recently read that divorce counselors recommend you wait an average of one month for every year you were married. That means two and a half years for me. Sounds about right.

I can see why people jump right into another relationship though. It actually feels like it did when I was in my late teens and felt like I'd "never" be married. I thought I'd never find the right man etc. But I'm determined not to let fear of living my life alone, shape my actions. You know?

One thing that helps me, is looking at friends, acquaintances, and one of my sisters, who are single and very settled and happy with their lives. Good role models, I guess you'd say. They're out there. I want to be completely comfortable with myself and my life without a partner before complicating it.


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay was over two years ago, LS finalized 22 months ago, moved out 18 months ago, D was final six months ago, dating has occurred zero times.

I'm just living my life. I was just chatting with a friend who has never been married and feels like he should just give up on dating, and I feel like I'm on the other end of the spectrum right now-- I just ended a relationship that spanned almost half of my life, and I'm embracing the single life and don't feel like I have room for anyone else right now.

I think that I haven't met anyone because it's not time for me to meet anyone; my head and heart are not in that place yet. Sometimes I feel lonely, but most of the time, I know that I'm doing just what I need to be doing to heal so that I can be healthy and not make the same mistakes in my next relationship.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3607 | Registered: Oct 2011
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't and I am not planning to any time soon. I have been divorced for 2 and a half years now and I am really feeling confident and happy again. I am not about to mess that up. Plus there are things I still have to do for me. I have started to notice men though, like NIK, I notice but the don't want to do anything about it.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1761 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
ShellyBean2012
♀ Member
Member # 36268
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only wish my friends were pushing me to date. Several of mine seem to think I should be alone the rest of my life and heal for decades. LOL. Nope. Don't need that kind of time line. I've wasted enough time on the loser I divorced. I've got a lot to offer and I'm ready to meet people. If the right man comes along during that time, all the better.

I just wish people would butt out of other people's lives. What's good for one doesn't necessarily work for another.


Me: BW (44 yo then); Him: WH (46 yo); No kids
DDay: 6-15-12
M 13.5 yrs; T 14 yrs (at the time)

Onward!


Posts: 225 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: the South
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is it with all the pressure to date? I have people saying get back in the saddle, jump right in, dust off the cobwebs, find a booty call, pick someone, anyone, just do it. ACK!

I'm getting this too. I'm also being told no, don't do it, what's the rush, blah blah blah.

It's a very personal decision. I would definitely make the distinction between dating and getting into a relationship. I think dating is fine, but a serious or even semi-serious relationship requires some healing first.

[This message edited by Tripletrouble at 9:07 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While it is a personal decision, it's also important to remember that you run the risk of hurting another person. That's what happened to me in my first post-D relationship -- I was hurt by a guy who wasn't ready to date. He felt terrible about hurting me, and set back his own healing further than if he'd waited until he was healed.

I waited about 8 months post-D-Day (3 months post-Divorce) to date and it probably was too soon, but luckily everyone escaped unscathed. After a few months of bad first dates, I took 6 months off and felt truly ready then. That's when I met the guy above :(

I'm on another dating break right now. I truly believe that you can't be a good partner and in a good relationship if you're not happy being single. So many times in NB, we see people whose post-D relationship really isn't much better than the one that brought them to SI, and it just makes me sad that they're squandering this second chance at happiness they received.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it really depends on the person and situation.
with my ex husband cheater, I waited a yr from separation. even then i refused to kiss or be intimate. when I finally did kiss a guy it was 2 yrs AFTER my divorce. so 3 1/2 yrs from leaving my ex.

in the end it really was a different guy who allowed me to no longer love cheater ex. I needed to see what a decent man was like to let it all go.

w my ex now, I could date or hook up and not be fazed. it would not be for long term. only fun. this is 2 months after separation but I dont really want to. I feel like I cant trust many so I dont really want to play the game. Im just enjoying my alone time. the last 16 months I have been beyond suffocated by my ex. I just need breathing space.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 4:36 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dated while I was separated.... Never again. Now I am just taking a break for me. If something comes up great, if not, then I am happy regardless.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmm... Here's how I personally am handling it...

I just flat have no interest. Seriously. Right now the energy I would 'invest' in wading back into the dating scene(scary thought,BTW)is energy that's right now much better spent healing me, focusing on my wants and needs, and 'remodeling' what needs to change about me so I can really truly love me.

Before this M I had another M, and other fairly serious relationships before that, and when each one ended I just stuffed the hurt and didn't deal with / give myself time to heal from it and kept going and landed way too soon into the next hot mess!

It's been said several times - broken attracts broken. I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with anyone's brokenness right now but mine.

Will I ever date again?? Never say never. But I honestly don't plan on even trying for at least a year from when D comes final - so February 2015 sometime at the earliest. I need to gift myself the time to turn inward for a while. Do I want to grow old by myself? No. But I think it's safer and smarter to wait a while.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 427 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only 4.5months from D-Day. I couldn't even imagine dating. At this moment I am still trying to recover from the shock and all the disappointments that have come sense from stbxh and mow. I don't feel I will be ready to date for quite some time. A couple of years sounds good to me, but I don't know. Time will tell. I feel so lonely sometimes that I think I would like to date but as its been said broken attracts broken and who wants that.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost 6 years from D-day (Jan 2008). Divorce was final July 2011. I have no intention of dating ever again. The thought of getting close to a man again truly nauseates me. I wish I had more friends, but a boyfriend/SO? No thanks.


edited because I apparently can't add or subtract correctly anymore...

[This message edited by ISPIFFD at 2:42 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
MyVoice
♀ Member
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started online dating 5 months after Dday,for three months I had lots of fun meet ups/dates,then met the guy I'm dating now. We've been together 10 months and not a single drama, but we've taken it very slowly.

I think how quickly you heal depends on your personal experience. My ex had been living away from home for over a year with work before Dday, so that definitely made a difference in my timeline.



Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 471 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before my wxh I was in an abusive relationship. I made the mistake of dating as soon as I got out of it (wanting to just move on). I was in a relationship with my wxh within 3 months from breaking up with xbf. I regret it every day. I should've healed first because I ended up in an even worse relationship! This time I am not making that mistake again. It's almost 2 years past dday and I am not even thinking of it yet. Many pressure me because I am still young but no way. No thank you. No!

Honestly at this stage I really don't know if I'd ever want to be in a relationship again. I'm not convinced the gains outweigh the risks. I would love to have more children but I can always make a plan and do it alone (MUCH better option than having them have an awful dad like my precious son does now) I do also miss sex. However missing sex is not even close to enough motivation for me to date. (I can't do the casual sex thing so that's not an option either. No moral objections, I just need a connection to open up in that way)

So clearly I'm a cheerleader for waiting and healing first.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Decimated
♂ Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s been almost a year since my divorce was final from XWW. I joined an online dating sight and started dating almost immediately. After about 2 months I realized that I wasn't ready for this. I met a couple nice ladies but mostly troubled ones. Here’s the strange thing… I wasn't attracted to any of them. To me, it seemed like they were all immersed in mid-life crisis’s like my X, wanting to play the field using the dating site to attract attention of lots of guys, boost their egos, and party like teenagers. I was just wasting my time and money.

I would really like someone special in my life but I also realize that I need to do a lot of work on myself before I involve someone else. After enduring years of my ex’s cheating and lying, I now have major issues with trust as well as low self-esteem. I quit the dating site and haven’t dated since. I honestly don’t know when I’ll be ready to date again but for now I’m just going to focus on myself and my children. I do notice attractive women but the thoughts that cross my mind are things like “She would just cheat on you anyway” or “I’m probably not interesting enough for her”. Until these thoughts stop crossing my mind…I won’t be ready. If by chance I meet someone…great but I’m not going to put much energy into looking right now.


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
NWfleur
♀ Member
Member # 35874
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after divorce was final...6 months after DD. BUT my ex had asked for a separation and moved out many months before that, which made for many months of limbo in which I suspected, so it actually is more like a year plus from when I first knew something was going on. Probably too soon, there are mixed opinions on this, and we are all different. I got into counseling, joined a support group, and pushed myself to work through my pain and heal. For me, dating seemed like a nice distraction, as long as I didn't get in over my head and was clear about my emotional baggage with whomever I was with. I ended up dating one person for a short time, before meeting my current SO. I think it was being with someone else that really help me stop groveling over my ex. Once I was having fun with someone else, I detached from my ex quickly, and suddenly started to realize what I deserved. It was like a weight was lifted. That was my experience, however, and many are NOT ready for a long time...


Me BS (39)
Him WS (36)
2 DS
M: 9 years (together 13)
DD: 4/10/2012
(Separated since 12/11...affair began ??!!)

Divorced!!!


Posts: 322 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: USA
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my now husband 6 months after D day, I was seperated but not yet legally divorced. I was in no way ready to date and did not intend to get into a relationship, but it happened. Somehow it worked out and I am extremely happily married today, 4 years later.

I guess it depends on your situation... I was very lonely in my marriage and in reality was only there for my son. His A was truely a blessing in dusguise...


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was married for five and a half year, no children from this marriage. I am a year past Dday, separated since that day. Mediation was set for Oct. this year, but the mediator had an emergency surgery the evening before! Still uncovering his finances, so mediation will be in February or March.

I started dating a couple of months ago, on and off. I am currently seeing someone now. I am guarded and I am okay with that. I am having some fun, laughing and enjoying his company. My IC says to keep it light. I have no interest in getting remarried today.

I know that I am a loving, kind person and for the first time in my life, truly love myself. I have found compassion for myself, an inner strength, kindness and patience with myself over the past year. No one can take that away from me.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 37
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