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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not sure what to call us
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we're not in R, but we're not separated. We're just us, co-parents, me a student, him the provider. And I am ok with that.

I gave up the fight, he knows that I can't/won't leave for 3 years, once I am done with school. Things aren't bad, they just aren't marriage qualities. We are great co-parents, and that's all I see it ever being again. After my pain (once again) at the beginning of this month, I had to step back. I got some good advice from a fellow SI'r and am focusing on myself, my schooling and my kids. My marriage has gone to the bottom of my priority list. I have dragged this M behind me for 3+ years, and I am just plain tired! I have to much other stuff going on in my life to pull this M along with wh dragging behind.

He's not to happy about my decision, but understands. He seems defeated. I just don't know what else to do. He seems to get it some days, but then doesn't physically do anything to show he "gets it". We'll see if he pulls this together. I told him this marriage was on his shoulders for the next 3 years alone. I can't drag it along anymore. I am hoping to get into nursing school soon and that is a full time job alone, not to mention raising 3 kids and taking care of myself, I can't be pulling a dead marriage along all alone, so I am not. I am done. It does not mean we are done, it just means if he wants this marriage to work out (which he claims he does) he has to do all of the work for now. I need IC and a break. I need to refocus my priorities.

I look at my life and realize I am not the mom I always saw myself being. I am not happy, and I don't take care of myself. I am a craft lover and have always enjoyed doing crafts with kids, watching them grow into their own person, and using their imagination (I use to teach a toddler preschool class), we did foster care and I still did those things, but then I plummeted, and I don't enjoy those things with my own kids. I just want to get through the day to the next, and survive. I know everyday as a mom is not going to be ideal, but only have 3-5 ideal days out of a whole year screams there's a problem. My kids are to precious to me, I would regret everything if my kids grew up and I looked back and realized this then. I realize it NOW and I need to fix it! And this is the only way I can see possible.

I am almost 180ing my marriage, if that makes any sense. At least that is how I see it, I am not 180ing my wh, we are still a family, and my family is a priority, but my M is not anymore. I honestly can see it ending once I am done with school and on my own feet financially. I don't see him pulling his weight let alone some of my weight too. If he can't do it for the next couple/few years then why should I keep doing it alone?

So I guess I am no longer in R with my wh, although if I really look back, we never really truly were since my wh never really pulled his own weight in fixing his problems, and his fuck ups. I am just finally letting go, and letting God guide me in the way my life is suppose to go. If we stay married, then great we overcame a huge huge ordeal. If not, well I know I did everything I needed to do for myself and my kids. I will not feel ashamed, I will feel good and strong. I will know that I can support myself and my 3 kids and still have a quality life.

Thanks for all of the support I have received from this board. I a guess I am going back to "General" since I don't really fit anywhere else.

Good Luck everyone in a successful R, and I truly hope all of you are doing well, and your ws's know how lucky they are for this opportunity you have given them!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((scangel3))))

We're co-parenting over here as well, and it's working great, most of the time. I have also detached from my marriage, and focus on getting stronger myself so I can take better care of my little one.

It's not what we wanted from our marriage, family, but I think we're doing the best we can given the circumstances. Let go of all expectations from him, from your marriage, and take care of what you have control over (your studies/work/career, your babies/kids). I've found a sense of freedom in this, and I hope you will too.

You can't have a healthy marriage with an unhealthy person. I've finally learned that truth.

It's gonna be okay.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((scange)))

You don't have to call it anything.

Maybe you ought to call it being good to you.period.

Nobody cares where you post, hell we are all a bunch of floaters posting where our words fit at any given moment. Somedays we feel they don't fit at all.

What you fail to see is that we all feel that way sometimes.

You are important and your journey is too.

You will be ok, concentrate on you and lean on us.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both of you for your support. I has been difficult at times to just let go, but at the same time I can feel the weight lifted off my shoulders. I just have to keep reminding my self of that feeling when I feel like I am dragging it again.

My wh hasn't really said much to me since our talk, and I really didn't expect him to anyways. I know how he reacts and this is just par for the course. He'll shut down, prompting me to pick it back up and fight him to fight for me/us, but not this time!!! I have said it before, I am just so tired of being tired! I need to stick to my focus on my kids and my schooling, and if he doesn't like it that's just to bad! He has to show me he can and is willing to fight for this M without my prompting him, for more then a couple of weeks to a month. He knows what I need from him, and now it's his turn to act. Either way I am OK, and I will be great! It's just hard at Christmas time and then our antiversary of dday 1 will be following shortly after. But this year, I will not wallow and I will just be good, relaxed and the weight still not on my shoulders. It will be a good year!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Topic Posts: 4

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