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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He said what???!
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw a video yesterday on youtube - some Billy Graham thing, where there was a very pregnant single mother talking about how Jesus had saved her, turned her life around. OW being about to 'pop', I triggered very badly. All I kept thinking was about how much I HATE her and about how much I don't want her to find any consolation or salvation or peace in this life ever again, and about how very un-Jesus like I feel right now. Fine.

So my H sees that I am visibly upset, and I am trying so hard not to wreck the very beautiful day that we had together... and he is angry... and he says to me...

"Do you ENJOY the sad feeling?"

Because I WRECKED HIS MOOD. Because we were having a good day, and 'nothing that happened today was leading to this place'. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am so aware that he is STILL compartmentalizing. He is just putting it all out of his mind. I live with this every day, all day, from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them. He just doesn't think about. But I do, because I ENJOY BEING SAD.

wtf. no.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I would like to smack him for you!

I am sorry he is responding to you this way. I hope he wakes up, sooner rather than later, and steps up for you.

(((Plain pain)))


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously???? I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a moron. Does he even process what he robbed you of? For the rest of both your lives? So mad on your behalf.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF! It's still all about him. I'd take a step back and take a really, really hard look. Rec takes two, VERY fully committed people. Not what I just heard.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.
Just wow. I am so sorry that he said something so insensitive.
I hope he realizes how painful what he has done and is continuing to do is. I hope he pulls his head out- and soon.

(((((Plain)))))


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grrrr . . . that comment is definitely in the Wayward Handbook.

Maybe because they are such Masters of Denial. They don't know what it's like to have a brain that consistently processes unpleasant realities. My H has a sensor which automatically shuts down his brain to protect him from thoughts that could lead to shame (or fear).

He has had to learn to disable the shut-down process and consciously think every thought and feel what comes with it. He's also had to look at why he feels shame about who he is rather than remorse for what he's done. Shame motivates rugsweeping, angry outbursts, blame-shifting and comments like ^^^ .


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has had to learn to disable the shut-down process and consciously think every thought and feel what comes with it. He's also had to look at why he feels shame about who he is rather than remorse for what he's done. Shame motivates rugsweeping, angry outbursts, blame-shifting and comments like ^^^ .

There is so much shame. I feel like I can't even talk about my feelings sometimes without having to listen for an hour about how ashamed he feels. Then I feel guilty. I HATE that.

We had a long talk about what it means to invalidate somebody's feelings. I didn't think he got it. This evening he had a talk with our oldest daughter, and apologized to her for not allowing her to grieve for our dog when he had to give it away. He basically had told her to 'suck it up'. He apologized to her for 'invalidating her feelings'.

Oh my goodness.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guilt and shame are all about him. It's 'Poor me - I did such a bad thing. I'm so ashamed.'

That allows him to avoid taking responsibility and/or consequences. After all, he's obviously punishing himself, so consequences from someone else are just unnecessary, irrelevant, meaningless. And since he's punishing himself, it's just too rude of you to expect real change.

One of the things a BS needs to do is to let the WS know how s/he feels. The WS needs to listen, hear, take in the sharing without getting defensive.

Your H is not even letting you get your feelings out in the open. It sounds to me like he's not a candidate for R at this point, but you know more about him that I do. Are you sure he's in R?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he is in R fully at the present time. 92% of the time he is amazing with taking responsibility, with saying all the right things. He is unlearning a lifetime of reflex responses and abusive thinking patterns, and sometimes he still blows it VERY badly. I'm learning to stop making excuses for him, but even that is still hard for me.

It's only been 7 months, and OW is still pregnant, so I can't really expect full healing on his side either. Sometimes it feels like he has 'fog farts'. Sometimes I feel like I am just seeing who he is for the first time.

And then sometimes I think maybe he's right. Maybe there is something in me that doesn't want to be happy right now. Why, after the best days, do I trigger so hard and just bring it all crashing down around our heads? It feels like a sucker punch to me when the triggers hit, and I think it feels like that to him, too. But it's almost predictable (happy day = hard trigger) and I think maybe he feels like I'm punishing him.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You trigger on a good day because it scares you about what is really at stake. The risk you are taking. You feel happy and then you realize you were happy before and look what happened. That happiness didn't mean enough then and it may not ever mean enough to him to make sure he doesn't do it again.

He is like my ex, who wants to get back together. If I trigger a little or show a little upset, he rolls his eyes, and literally says to me, "what, THIS again?"

I look at him and he then apologizes. My day is already ruined with him, though.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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