Thanks Cancun - I think our situations may be somewhat different and it seems like you are putting a fair amount of your experience with your H onto my H.
I'm not rugsweeping alcoholic behaviors for 20 years. As soon as I moved in with him I noticed that it was an issue. I raised it multiple times. He didn't get it. I outed the behavior to his and my parents. They were concerned. Finally H saw it wasn't just me being concerned. He went to an MFT, a CBT, a Psych, and a Drug and Alcohol Counselor ALL to talk about alcohol and how it was affecting him/his moods/our relationship.
It's been almost a year now since I outed him to his parents and except for the episode in November (where he had a nervous break down and threatened to kill himself), he's been successful at the moderation plan.
Now that he has addressed the depression/anxiety issues, his behaviors re alcohol are even more improved (hence why I said I thought he was white knuckling before).
It is far from uncommon for undiagnosed anxiety and depression to go hand in hand with self medicating with alcohol.
My hope is that since he has addressed the depression/anxiety and learned the tools to address depression and anxiety in the future - his need to self medicate will be gone and the major issues with alcohol will disappear (as they seem to have so far, knock on wood).
All that being said - I am not in denial and I will not spend 20 years rugsweeping his behavior. He falls off the wagon 1 time and it is abstinence or separation. H is on board with this. His parents are on board with this. I am not going to keep merry go rounding and trying to have him be able to drink those damn 2 drinks. It's not worth it for me and H says its not worth it for him either - he wants to see if he can do it and if he can, great. If he can't ok. Only time will tell.
The lying etc was obviously a big concern for me. He lied about 1. chew, 2. alcohol and 3. those deleted text messages. We have been working as part of our MFT counseling on his having stronger boundaries (he'd do anything work told him to do, people pleaser, etc.) and complete honesty. It has been working and I see huge improvements in his boundaries with others and again he has not even done a small white lie with me since we started working on it.
My refrain to him since I felt so insecure in Dec was 1. Honesty 2. Attention and 3. Earning Trust through action. He hasn't let me down.
Anyway - I guess I just want to say, I'm not saying there won't be an issue with alcohol in the future. I am aware that his behaviors are EXTREMELY troubling. I've given him the opportunity to fix it his way - moderation plan. (with the support of his CBT, Psych, and the D and A counselor). If he can't do it, then it will be sobriety.
Having said all that, I still don't buy that 100% of alcoholics cheat or that 100% of alcoholics in recovery cheat. Your advice (curse?) that I will be addressing the same issues your husband is having isn't helpful. That's like saying all cheaters will cheat again because your husband did and telling everyone on JFO to RUN NOW. It may be a possibility, or even a probability, but its simply not true (as a lot of members here will tell you).
My h is doing well, is meeting my needs and I see a lot of positive changes. I'm going to give him a chance to show that he can maintain it. Statistically speaking, he is young, in the beginning stages, not dependent, employed, etc. - this is the "best case" scenario in terms of recovery statistics (except that being a woman would increase his chances slightly). I do believe that some people can have an issue with alcohol and recover and live a normal life (not saying a normal life with unlimited alcohol).