I went to WH's place today to drop off a letter, and a copy of the daycare fees for the boys. You may find fault with this, but I stayed for a good 5-6 minutes because we were discussing possible ways he could pay what he owes. For example, I don't pay for Jan-Feb, and instead of paying me cash, he'll pay the full amount (on his credit card) directly to the daycare. This is because he doesn't actually have the money, but he has a credit card that he can use. Anyway.
While I was there he asked me "are we done?". I asked what he meant. "Well, people have been asking me if there's any chance we'll get back together". I said "no, I think we're done". Then he said: "I guess you fell out of love with me eh?". I said no, started crying, and left.
This is the first time in a long time that I've actually cried about this whole mess. Yes, I still love this stupid man. When he's not being a manipulative, gaslighting bastard, he's really quite lovely to be around. Yes, I still think he's somewhat handsome. However, the fact that I know he slept with that slut turns me off completely.
I couldn't give him another chance at this point in time. He's had many. The first was when we got married and started a life together. The minor little warnings when he was texting a coworker at all hours -he should have seen that as a second chance and straightened up his fucking behaviour. And third, when we were in the denial/gaslighting stage of this fucked up play. Why torture me, taking 6 months to finally admit to something I knew he'd done. And then to try to work on the marriage, but not actually take any responsibility for his behaviour? How many chances is that now?
Dude, you had all these chances. Why do you think I'd try it again? Because I love you? That answer was enough to get me through til August 2013. But when you told me that you weren't going to change, and that I'd have to get over it or leave, I heard you. You showed me who you were and I heard you! I see you very clearly now, and I cannot un-see what you are. So yes, damnit, I still fucking love you. But I love me more. And I am making my life something wonderful. You could have played a better part, but you chose not to get help when you needed it. So honestly, don't think you can guilt me into getting back with you. I'm not a masochist.
Obviously I can't say any of this to him, so you lovely people get to read it instead.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I told my mom that he is like a sinking ship. He is going down, and I am not getting dragged down with him. For my own sanity I cannot.
**I mean that he's depressed/sick and won't get help (denial?), and that's how he's going down.
Are we done? Yup, cause you killed us.
And yeah. STDs... *shudders*
I need to go for my second round of testing. Fun times.
Reality for our XWSs is so far away from reality that I don't think they will ever come back.
Idiots. I'm sorry you are still crying over him- I totally understand, you truly cannot just turn off your feelings - but he doesn't deserve your tears. :(
So yes, damnit, I still fucking love you. But I love me more.
Consider writing yourself a "dear me" letter. Outline all the reasons why you're worth better, why he's not worth it at all. Go back and read it when you feel sucked in.
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
I am glad you love you more.