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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Anger is Ruining Reconciliation
BrokenwingBird
New Member
Member # 41052
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help from those of you who are successfully in the R process. Im 2 months past D-Day. We are separated and working on things, going to counseling, etc.

I just get SOOO angry at him sometimes just from thinking about the affair, and all the lies! It's like I can't stop. Everything reminds me of it. Or if not the affair, then everything reminds me of how bad our relationship was during the affair.

I have to squash these feelings or at least ignore them while we go on dates or have family time with our son. But it usually comes out at some point. I dont scream obscenities at him or anything, but he sees Im bothered and asks "whats wrong?" so I tell him. It ruined our date night tonight and I ended up taking him home early.

How do I stop the anger from keeping us from moving forward?


D-Day: 10/10/13
D-Day 2: 4/29/14
Length of PA: 2 yrs, 2nd PA: 6 months
Married 4yrs
Together: 8yrs
One beautiful 2yr old son

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2013
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Angry  Posted: 11:20 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are approaching the antiversary of d-day. I have found myself having a really short fuse lately. Everything she does pisses me off. It could be because I was laid off but I think it's more to do with the fact that a year ago she was s***ing my BFF's D**k. (sorry.. got angry there!!!)

You will get angry. It will come and go. What I try to do is "keep my eye on the ball" and remember why I want to R and that she is doing her best to R.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenwingBird,

I remember writing very similar posts to this one, two or three months past d-day. You are still early out, and everything is so raw right now.

The thing is, you are dealing with such a range of different emotions, and they are all very intense. The more you suppress these emotions and feelings, the longer they will take to process.

I think it's important to acknowledge and discuss each and every thing that you are feeling. Yet, at the same time there is a time and place for it. Out on a date in the middle of a restaurant... maybe not the best time. Yet on the other hand, if you feel like it is too much for you to sit there through a date and try to fake your way through things, don't follow through with the date... make other plans.

I do think it is important to try to make some time for normalcy, especially when it comes to family time with your son.

Also, whenever you can, make time to process and deal with all of the very hard things that you are feeling and dealing with. Those things are so important.

Your anger is not ruining reconciliation. It is a totally normal part of the process.

Hang in there! Things will get better.


Posts: 7481 | Registered: Dec 2010
BrokenwingBird
New Member
Member # 41052
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LosferWords,

Thank you for the encouragement. It is good to hear that my anger is part of the process. I just get so worried sometimes that if I can't let go of being angry, act happy and move forward, that I am damning our R process to failure. But maybe I just need to continue to take things slowly.

You are right about the emotions. This last week, I began wondering if the affair aside, I really loved him anyway and if we ever really belonged together in the first place. I keep thinking that it is only a matter of time before this happens again. I hope this is normal too. Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I am still here must mean that I do love him, maybe more than I was ever able to admit to myself.


D-Day: 10/10/13
D-Day 2: 4/29/14
Length of PA: 2 yrs, 2nd PA: 6 months
Married 4yrs
Together: 8yrs
One beautiful 2yr old son

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just to be expected at this stage.

As for it ruining "date night".....we did not attempt to have any stereotypical "fun" for at least 10 months. It just didn't feel right.

I don't see anything wrong with trying, as long as you know it might get "ruined". But honestly, if there are issues being addressed, even if it wasn't in any way fun, then I think it was worth it.

Don't worry about "ruining" things. Any discussion, even if it's way difficult, leads to progress. Having "fun" is fleeting.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I am still here must mean that I do love him, maybe more than I was ever able to admit to myself.

This was a huge realization that I had as well, BrokenwingBird. In fact I used to tell my wife, "If I didn't love you so much, this wouldn't hurt nearly as bad."

Things can get better, though. If your husband is showing true remorse and is willing to put in the work, he will be able to tread water, even as these huge tidal waves of tough emotions and feelings hit. Eventually the waves do become less intense and further apart.


Posts: 7481 | Registered: Dec 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm...being betrayed is a very big deal. Grief, rage, and fear are normal responses - in quantities you never thought possible. It takes a long time to process those feelings out of your body and your brain.

Their are multiple ways of processing each feeling. One thing that doesn't work over the long term is trying to suppress them.

Think 2-5 years of cycling through your feelings, assuming no new hurts (but the swings get less violent over time). If your WS can't handle that, he's not yet a good candidate for R.

You have no choice - you've got the feelings, so you have to figure out how to handle them, and that's something you can do....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:57 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being betrayed his a huge deal. It's traumatic. it is life changing. You have every reason to be angry..damn angry. if your WH wants to R, then he needs to accept that you will be angry,sad,scared,happy,etc..all in the same hour some days. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this. Acting happy is rugsweeping. he needs to hear exactly how this has affected you..he needs to hear it, absorb it, and help you heal.


At 2 months out, you have just started to understand what he has done. The shock is wearing off and the grief and anger will set in. You need to be able to express your feelings to him..it will eat you alive if you don't.


What work is doing on himself? How is he becoming a safe person for you? Has he answered all of your questions? Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and his phone? Did he send a NC email to OW..and you saw it? What is he doing to R? Date night? this soon after dday..and he isn't living with you, doing the day to day work? I'd cancel date night and use those nights to sit down and talk about his affair..date night this soon sounds like a lot of pressure. And he actually asked you what was wrong? Is he clueless or insensitive?


ETA: If I read your timeline correctly, it looks like he started the affair when you were pregnant? So he exposed his unborn child to STD's? Honey...should be angry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:07 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right about the emotions. This last week, I began wondering if the affair aside, I really loved him anyway and if we ever really belonged together in the first place. I keep thinking that it is only a matter of time before this happens again. I hope this is normal too. Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I am still here must mean that I do love him, maybe more than I was ever able to admit to myself.

Been there, felt exactly this way. It really makes you wonder if you should have not broken up a long time ago.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this post. I feel the exact same way. My WW is making efforts to become a better person, and we're trying to date (movies, restaurant, etc.) Sometimes, my sadness or anger is also ruining this time we're taking together. Now, what we're doing is talking some hours before the date in order for my sadness/rage to go away. Then, we have a better time together. But sometimes, it is so hard!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is way to early for you not to be angry. You will be angry for a long time. You might want to post on the Just Found Out board so you can vent and rage. You need to do that. The anger has to come out or it will just go inward and blow out sometime. This is a long road. Today is my antiversary number 3 and I still get incredibly angry sometimes.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Betrayed67
♀ Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you are going thru is normal.

Im still angry and i'm 11 months from dday. So feel your anger. Before my husband's infidelity, I never swore. But now - and Im not proud of it- some French words have become part of my speech for the last 11 months.


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Topic Posts: 12

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