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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Quick Poll: How are you feeling about R these days?
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Question  Posted: 7:50 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there are dozens of us out there, but I was just curious where everyone is at with R and how you are feeling about.

1) When was your dday?

2) How long have you been in R?

3) What is your R status? (I know there are several dozen “in betweens”, so feel free to be creative )
3a)We are fully R
3b)R is mostly positive with small bumps
3c)R is hit or miss whether it is a good or bad day
3d)R is mostly a struggle with some positives
3e) Not sure or not committed to R yet

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?

[This message edited by ILINIA at 7:55 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) June 2013
2) 2 Months
3) E - Even though I had all the information on the table since June, there is so much to interpret or ask questions about, therefore, I feel like I truly haven't committed to R, because I am still not sure that I have a "stable" picture of the past. I think I will first have to get to a place where I accept the past before I can move into R.

4) I think that would be my advice: Take 6 months or more after you have the whole truth just to process it. If you get to a place where you can accept it, then consider R.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 8:00 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?

Series of them between April 30th and May 21st in 2010.

2) How long have you been in R?

I'd say since August of 2010 when I decided to wear my half of the new set of rings we bought.

3) What is your R status? (I know there are several dozen “in betweens”, so feel free to be creative )

Married but difficult to adjust to because it's consistently nice and there's none of the shit that plagued our relationship for the first 90% of it.


3a)We are fully R
3b)R is mostly positive with small bumps
3c)R is hit or miss whether it is a good or bad day
3d)R is mostly a struggle with some positives
3e) Not sure or not committed to R yet

I'd say A and B, but I don't really think "fully R" makes a lot of sense in the same way saying "fully M" makes a lot of sense. For me it's all in or fail, and it keeps going.

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?

Trust yourself.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) September 2013
2) not sure of definition of R. Got whole truth and complete commitment from him 1 week after dday. I'm committed to being with him and have mostly forgiven him. I believe we will be together but I will be broken hearted for the foreseeable future.
3) d

Trust yourself. Your feelings and do not hide anything from your WS. If they can't handle what they've done to you then they're still in the fog.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?
Black Friday 2011

2) How long have you been in R?
Since the day after Black Friday 2011. But the healing didn't start until 9/12 when the TT and Lies stopped.

3) What is your R status?
b)Our relationship R is mostly positive with small bumps
and
c)My personal R is hit or miss whether it is a good or bad day


4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?
Rigorous Honesty with self and each other. Communicate!!!

[This message edited by Chicho at 8:14 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Aug 2012
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. July 2013

2. Since late November-about 3 weeks

3. C Her anger and alcohol issues are a problem

4. It takes strength to R, whether you are BS or WS. You have to be strong for yourself for R to work. Be strong enough to leave if R doesn't work.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?

2/06

2) How long have you been in R?

since ~4/06

3) What is your R status? (I know there are several dozen “in betweens”, so feel free to be creative )
3a)We are fully R
3b)R is mostly positive with small bumps
3c)R is hit or miss whether it is a good or bad day
3d)R is mostly a struggle with some positives
3e) Not sure or not committed to R yet

3f) R is ongoing, and will always be. We use the tools of R in our everyday M, as well as our lives outside of M.

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?

communication, communication, communication.

R is not linear.

Life happens whether or not your R is going good or not. External, non A stuff has to be looked at and dealt with through non A glasses.

R takes a lot of work on both peoples parts, both individually and as a couple. Learning that dance is hard and you may have to try lots of different steps, lots of different times before you find your groove.

Pick your battles.

Some needs can change over time and depending on the situation.

And some of my favorite, most helpful time tested SI advice:

when you feel like turning away, turn towards.

the only thing you can control is you, and your reactions to others/situations.

time doesn't heal all wounds..it's what you do during that time that does...but it does take time .

you can't heal what you don't feel.

[This message edited by unfound at 8:37 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) dday1: 5/25/09 dday2 11/06/13

2) since 11/07/13

3) 2 months ago, I would have said a. I would have been wrong. h says it was not false R, just not fully R, because he was only regretful, and not remorseful. And while he wanted to be with me, he was not aware how his attitudes affected me. Then he just fell back into his old patterns and thought processes, and the ONS happened. Now, I say B. It's actually going a lot more smoothly than 4 years ago, because he is owning his shit. I mean a month in, he was still talking to his EA OW... (No danger of that now...) we were still fighting because i was "snooping in his private business" and i was only hurt by his stuff because i was snooping. If i minded my own business, I wouldn't get hurt... (his fog was strong and his EAP was filling his head with nonsense...) it was months before I gave up on trying to correct that backwards thinking, and "accepted him as he is"... Just thankful he was still here... And in NC with the OW.

4) so, my advice? Don't compromise more than you should for the sake of R. And know that without actual Remorse, reconciliation will not work. Regret is not enough. And you do have to figure out the Why or it WILL happen again.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:49 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?
August 16, 2012

2) How long have you been in R?
August 17, 2012

3) What is your R status?
b) mostly positive with small bumps


4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?
In the end, you have to do what works for you. You are the only person you have control of and that control includes your happiness.


Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


1) When was your dday?
May 2010

2) How long have you been in R?
Since Christmas 2010.

3) What is your R status? (I know there are several dozen “in betweens”, so feel free to be creative )

3b)R is mostly positive with small bumps


4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?
Focus on yourself. Feel everything and face it head on. Don't borrow trouble.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday? June 25, 2007

2) How long have you been in R? 6+ years

3) What is your R status? 3a) Happily Reconciled

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?

Patience, kindness, compassion, and understanding are the keys to a successful R. Fear and anger are the most destructive obstacles to R.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:09 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Dday - 12-9-13
2. R began 1 week after day
3. We are in a good R place. Both committed and doing the work needed. Bumps mostly with infrequent triggers and his need to be Master Of All He Surveys. This too, is becoming less about him and more about fixing the M and family. Pleasantly optimistic.
4. IC, MC and don't make any decisions until you have all the facts.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll just agree with everything Unfound said.

1. 05/11

2. I would have said immediately at that time. When you include his lies to protect himself, realistically it was several months after that to move from guilt and regret to true remorse. And then there was my anger stage and the Plain of Lethal Flatness when I just didn't care. ....but IMO all of that still R. R is messy.

3b but really it's f -- Exactly what Unfound said. I don't think we look at R as ever being complete. It's life. Always a work in progress.

4. See what Unfound said.

Plus,

Feel your emotions, such as anger and don't be afraid to express it. See what's behind it, and know when it is consuming you and counterproductive. Get help for yourself when you need it.

I think you have to be willing to lose your marriage before you can save it, and get to the place where you know that you will be ok even if it doesn't work out. You'll survive.

Don't force or fixate on things like forgiveness. It happens when it happens.

It's about the journey not the destination.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday? May 2012 with lots of trickle truth and at least 3 broken no contact with the last known contact April 2013

2) How long have you been in R? A couple of weeks. I finally HEARD the remorse and I am pretty sure he finally gets the real ramifications of his actions.

3) What is your R status? (I know there are several dozen “in betweens”, so feel free to be creative) Finally feeling hopeful - he is talking marriage building and I am seeing the work. I don't have the lawyer's number on speed dial anymore but my heart and trust are still firmly encased in ice - time, hopefully.

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?
Listen to the wise ones here!


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?
early March 2013

2) How long have you been in R?
+/- 2 months…that is really the first time SAWH was telling the truth.

3) What is your R status? (I know there are several dozen “in betweens”, so feel free to be creative )

- R is mostly positive with small bumps but only time will tell whether it can be sustainable. I'm still making evaluation after a year (from the time SAWH entered SA treatment) to see where we are at.


4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?
Be patient with yourself. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything - because making big decisions under stress is not wise. Take care of yourself - even if that means being selfish.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?

12/22/10

2) How long have you been in R?

W started work on R 12/22/10. I committed to R 3/22/11, IIRC.

3) What is your R status?

In process. I'm in good shape. My w is still dealing with the issues that got her into her A but go much deeper than that. We're committed to each other.

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?

To a BS: Don't sell yourself short. In most sitches, don't let your WS back in unless she commits to doing the work of R.

To a WS: IMO you cheated to avoid your own pain. Deal with it (your pain) - that'll allow you to make life better for yourself and for the people around you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:18 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(1) Our D-Day was August 14, 2012. I battered him into a confession. By that time, he and OW had ended their PA two years previously, but were still carrying on an EA.

(2) We have been in R since D-Day. He committed right away, felt extreme shame and remorse, and took full responsibility. No blame shifting whatsoever.

(3a-b) We are fully in R, but there have been a couple of significant bumps along the way. We've overcome them, and they did not derail us for long.

(4) Compassion, love, gentleness helped me to help him, which helped me in turn. While my WS felt my wrath and hurt at first—and I think it was necessary and good that he did—it was really the gentler, more loving approach that helped him with his own healing, and that has in turn helped me. It was important that he saw that I was not going to excoriate him every time we talked about the A. That in turn, allowed him to answer my questions honestly. On his part, transparency, honesty, complete NC, love, and remorse were necessities; R could not have happened without them.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) When was your dday?
September 30th 2013

2) How long have you been in R?
At first I thought we were in R back in November, but now I know that it will be hard for us to go through R while she keep the same job.

3) What is your R status?
I would say that we have one foot into R, we both want to go towards R, but I would say we will be in R when I will start wearing my wedding ring.

4) What advice/suggestions do you have for others?
Take your time, it's not a race
Talk to others
IC and MC for the BS and WS


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
BlondieBlueEyes
♀ New Member
Member # 41663
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) only a couple months ago
2) one month ago the R started
3) R status is moving forward steadily when im not losing my mind over anything and everything
4) advice for others would be have faith in yourself and those who do love you in your life


Me: 34
Him: 41
DDay: Sept 18/13
Moved out Oct 1/13
Kids: he has two 14 & 11
R: in progress

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: BC Canada
Topic Posts: 19

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