I DO know that I deserve someone healthy who can be a partner to me. I guess I deluded myself that since he was in counseling and working on self growth, that he was well along the road to healing his issues, but then BAM....along came the EA. And this one is such an improvement. He isn't abusive. He doesn't name-call. He has a healthy way of discussing disagreements. He allowed me to cry with him and be open with him. And he made me a priority (until he started down that slippery slope a couple weeks ago).
I know I have made SOME progress because I no longer see bad boys as attractive and that was a life-long thing for me. I now see stable, family-oriented men as very appealing. That is HUGE for me. I also have gotten over my disgust for guys that are emotional. I now prefer a guy that can be emotionally intimate and even cry if he needs to. That is also HUGE. So I know there is SOME progress here. But I do truly want a partner. I want someone that can face life together with me and stand by my side.
I think the biggest change in me that has happened over the past year or so is that I no longer think I want to be the lone ranger and spend the rest of my life alone, exploring and saving the world and having multiple long term relationships for as long as they last. I truly want to settle down. I want a family atmosphere. I want peace in my life. I want stability. I want a nice, comfortable home with a stable, loving partner. That also is a HUGE realization for me. I may have actually been burying that all along because I didn't think it was a possibility for me, because my family had been so fragmented. Because when I came to that realization, I cried and cried, because it rang true.
But yeah, infidelity has affected us and we will never truly and completely heal in that we won't erase that experience/those experiences.
You know the drill. Forgive yourself, love yourself and go easy on yourself. I think the work you've done will lead to faster gains and a quicker return to a better steady state. That's a win if you asked me!!! A HUGE win.
A HUGER win is the realization that you want someone. I wrestle every day with the 'what I want' questions and really don't have a great idea. You have just filled in a very large blank for yourself. Good for you!
((((NA)))).... btw are u a Libra?? I"m a Libran and u sound a lot like me
Because even though I felt that I was growing, and I have done so damn much self-work, I still picked someone that had issues (or at least, more issues than I have.)
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
This is the way I see your point.
You are a beautiful Rose (flower) that closed its petals to protect yourself from a storm.
You will endure wind, rain, snow, ice....
when the storm passes you will blossom again stronger and more beautiful with more petals yet.
If you are willing to open to nature and see its beauty, you will be stronger and beautiful as nature intent it for you.
You are not broken, just work in progress. we all are. love and compassion for yourself is the medicine for it.
My two cents
I want a nice, comfortable home with a stable, loving partner. That also is a HUGE realization for me. I may have actually been burying that all along because I didn't think it was a possibility for me, because my family had been so fragmented. Because when I came to that realization, I cried and cried, because it rang true.
I love it when a truth finds us and nestles in for a long long stay. I want this for you too!! I am so proud of you for unburying this and for having the cathartic cry!!!!!
You didn't just FEEL like you were growing - you GREW!
something about this ^ evoked the Grinch for me.... must be the time of year. But that Grinch had a pretty solid realization and ended up embraced by the Who family... Not at all a bad fellow after all!!! NA, your heart is already huge. You are a caring wonderful giver. Whatever growing you are doing will be in the way you love and allow yourself to feel worthy.
as you know I've got nothing to offer for advice these days but I'm out here cheering for you
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler