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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Upcoming trip triggers
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are right at 4 years from Dday. I have a trip next week 6 hours away. While I am gone, FWH is planning to visit his family. His family lives near OW. He has not been in contact with OW that I am aware of. He seems very remorseful and has done all the right things. However....

I am so trigger about this trip coming up. I don't want to tell him he cannot spend time with his family as some are in poor health. It is a good opportunity instead of sitting home alone for several days. However.....I would feel so much better if he were not up there. He has wanted to visit his parents graves....they are very close to where OW lives. I have offered many times to go with him. He is afraid he will run into OW. Of course, I am concerned that he will go alone. That makes me VERY nervous.

I am afraid that he has lied so much in the past it is hard to totally believe him. While I love him, I do not totally trust him. I am not sure I will ever get that back. It is going to be a long, long week. UGH.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brkn)))

Is he able to go with you on your trip?


Posts: 35929 | Registered: Mar 2011
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jo2love,
Thank you for your response. He could go with me and usually does. However, I have another individual (female employee) going with me. She reports to me and we were going to "work" during the drive to the meeting.

There has to be a point that I am ok with him visiting his family without me. I have been "ok" with a one day visit periodically typically for a funeral or a quick lunch with his family. However, even the one day visits cause me to trigger some. I am much better than the first time. Typically, I know I will see picture or a FB comment and knowing the time to travel, to meet etc...I know there is not time to meet OW. It is physically impossible with his one day time line.

This time it is for 2-3 days. There comes a point I have to try to trust him to go. It is just SO HARD to do it. I know he will be traveling to various family homes and will be alone. I know the "accountability" will not be a solid and he will show up at someone's house when ever he wants. Everyone will be pleased when he arrives at their house, never questioning the time he comes or goes. That leaves the door open to visit OW if he wanted to. I have no idea that is in the plans..I have not feeling that it is in the plans. However, my mind will not quit working.

He works so hard every day to reassure me that he regrets his A and that I am the only one for him. My spidey senses are not going off...it is our A season and it just makes me so uncomfortable. I know if I told him not to go, he would stay home. But I also hate to do that to him. He does not see his family too often. Then I look like a jealous hag.

It just sucks....there isn't a right answer. Normally, if I go with him, typically we cannot stay very long (I work and am the primary household earner).


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would let him know how you feel and give examples of what he can do to help you through this. Also, come up with a stay in touch plan for the time you are away (Call, facetime, text, etc...). If possible, maybe he could visit with family part of the time and drive out to see you for the rest. When you start to trigger, let him know and also post here. We will help you through. Sending you strength.

Posts: 35929 | Registered: Mar 2011
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jo2love,
I am on my trip. He had been waffling about going to see his family or not. He packed a bag, drove part way did some shopping and came back home. He told me in the last few days he felt something was wrong and he shouldn't go, but he didn't know why.

I have not said anything as I didn't want him to not go because of me. As I said, I had to trust him sometime. When I get home, I will share my fears and concerns. I have no doubt that his subconscious was telling him not to go and he was sensing it from me. I just don't think he has added it together. I have talked to him several times on our home phone so I know that is where he is. It is very reassuring.

Thank you for your support.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brkn_heartd

There has to be a point that I am ok with him visiting his family without me.

I have been *at this* for a very long time. And I still trigger when WW goes out near to where OM lives.

Much of her LTA was long distance. She would travel out to visit *friends* and spend the whole time with OM. So when travel comes up I trigger. Thats just he way it is.

I get the whole not trusting your WH thing. I REALLY get it. I want to ask you though. Do you trust yourself?

Do you trust yourself enough to know that you can handle it should your WH go off the rails and he run into OW?

We may not trust them ever again. But we can trust in ourself and know that we can handle it should they violate boundaries or cheat again. That may mean D or S or whatever. But we can handle it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,
Thank you for the response. I do trust myself in handling if he cheated again. What I don't trust is him to causing the pain again. That is probably the root of the issue...I don't trust him not to hurt me again. For that matter I don't know that I would trust anyone not to hurt me like that again.

I would have no problem with D now should he have an A again. I make plenty of $$ an would have no problems caring for myself. I am afraid of the pain. The pain almost crushed me before, it debilitated me. I don't know that I could survive another round of it.

I have really had to examine this issue in the last week. I have really had to examine my emotions.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brkn.

What I don't trust is him to causing the pain again. That is probably the root of the issue...I don't trust him not to hurt me again. For that matter I don't know that I would trust anyone not to hurt me like that again.
I would have no problem with D now should he have an A again. I make plenty of $$ an would have no problems caring for myself. I am afraid of the pain. The pain almost crushed me before, it debilitated me. I don't know that I could survive another round of it.

I completely get your fear about this. I feel much the same way.

If WW were to see OM again it would hurt me. But not destroy me the way Dday did.

Frankly I think what I would do is box up all of WWs stuff and ship it to OMs house. Im sure his BW would love that.

After years of this I am at a point where I can tell WW that if she prefers to be with OM. Then GO. Actually in our last argument about her LTA I told her exactly that. That if she would prefer OM to me then I wont stand in her way. In fact I would help her pack. I offered a 50/50 amicable D. I told her to just GO because staying with me while pining away for her OM would hurt much more than her just leaving to be with him.

So I am confident I can handle it if something like that happens again.

It also helps that Ive separated much of my life from her.

Before her LTA she was pretty much the center of my universe. This was very unhealthy. But my M and her and my kids were everything to me. Yes I worked allot but that was a sacrifice I made to provide a good environment for her and my kids.

Now thats changed. My kids now are grown and on their own. And I pretty much do as I please. I offer for her to come with me when I do things. But her not going doesnt stop me from doing what I planned.

Now the center of my universe is me. WW orbits as do my kids. But if WW were to spin away from me it would hurt but I know I would be ok.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,
I can relate to most of what you are saying. I have found that I have protected my heart after all of the crap from the A. I have not let it become fully vulnerable to the pain again. While I would have no problem (mentally) ending things...my heart would die (or so it feels). I too many times could walk away on a given day when I have just had enough.

However, on other days, I know I love him and want to be with him. That is the part of my heart that I have allowed to be vulnerable. I am a much stronger person that I was. I have also found SI which I didn't find for a year after Dday. I would have done things so differently if I had found it sooner.

I have spoken to him several times since I have been gone. He still talks about being glad he stayed home. I will share with him my concerns when I return and my appreciation to him for listening to his gut.

I hope that one day, I will allow myself to be more vulnerable again, but right now I just don't see it. I do not ever see myself "being in love" again. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much, but I do not get the giddy, endorphin filled moments of euphoria I once had.

I hope you have a great evening. Thank you for the words of support and encouragement. It has been very helpful.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brkn-heartd,

Personally: I'd be concerned about two things you posted:
1) You WH being "afraid he'd run into the OW" he had his LTA with.

2) You being "VERY nervous" about him going to visit his family alone - since his family lives near OW.

Do you know WHY your husband expresses that "he's afraid to run into the OW?"

Do you know WHY you're SO VERY NERVOUS about your husband being alone near the OW's residence after 4 years from D-Day?

This sounds like more than "triggers" to me.
I'd be really concerned if my husband felt any type of "fear" about running into the OW. At 4 years past D-Day, I'd expect a huge degree of "INDIFFERENCE" towards the OW from your husband...not him "being afraid to run into her."

I certainly can understand: How difficult it is to rebuild TRUST and to learn to believe our husbands after they cheat...
But, after 4 years: I'm sincerely sorry that you are so nervous about your husband visiting his family alone - simply because his family is geographically located near the OW.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6134 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 10

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