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User Topic: WW with bloomers in a twist tonight
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Suspicious  Posted: 11:40 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this allowed?

We are 16 months in and this sucks! Everything sucks (is how I feel). BH has been in leveled up, hyper turbo, super duper pissed off mode since we came back from Christmas card elves trip. It was like he enjoyed something about it and it pissed him off big time.

The kids are complaining, his mother is complaining, and I'm trying to cover for him because no one else knows why he is unhinged and I'm the one who did it to him. It has been an ugly week.

I have felt loving and supportive. I have been loving and supportive but I have felt it too (you know how you can be that way without really feeling it? I almost always feel it all the way through me but today it started cracking.

Tonight we were looking at recipes and pretty pictures in Southern Living Magazine and there was a picture of a nice inn in the town I graduated from high school in.

Me: That looks like a nice place to stay. Oh, it's in (nice historic city)...

Him: Yeah, the most hated city on earth.

He hates the town I went to my last two years of high school in because I had sex then, twenty years before I ever met him... I'm aware of this and I usually tolerate it better but tonight it just pissed me off. I'm tired. I'm tired of walking on egg shells. I'm tired of him yelling at the kids. I'm tired of freaking breathing.

I got a bit of a 'tude. Turned over and have been short in my replies since then. He knows I'm pissed. This feels like the pre-A marriage, not the one where we've been working so hard to communicate. I feel like I'm back before step one. No progress at all.

As I'm posting I turn around and he has my profile open on his iPad. So I sniped at him for stalking my posts. He said not to worry, he will never read my post again. He will just get off the site... That's not what I wanted to say at all. Now he's checking the obits and arrests for OM....can that really be therapeutic somehow?

I need a timeout. PLEASE HELP! I feel like I'm loosing it. I'm not handling anything right.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knight let me ask you something, why was he reading your posts?

Does it suck that he's angry again, yup but it's a consequence, looks like he hit a down on the roller coaster and needs you to ride it out with him. Think though if it sucks for you, how is it for him? He's trying, just by being there he's trying. You had a high moment and maybe it made him think of all the lows. The whole hating the town because you had sex there before you met him seems a little much to you, but not to him. You need to communicate here, he's not the only one lacking on that. You sniped at him, got angry, gave short answers, turned your back....sweetie that's not how to approach his anger, you know this. So yes he backslided too, he's already angry, was probably checking your post to see how you were feeling since you weren't communicating it and then you hit him with another verbal whiplash. Boom he goes to a comfort zone, an unhealthy one but a comfort zone nonetheless and zeros in on OM and all his horrible qualities.

He is hurting, and you are too, but perhaps take a step back and realize that yes it's better but it's not 100% there yet. You both need more time and work and need to hold on to the lessons already learned. Communicate with him, apologize for the attitude and the sniping and let him know how you feel.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knightsbff,

After reading your post I tried to put myself back to the place of 16 months out. That was shortly after my final TT, and it was not a pretty time for us. Even without TT, that is really so early in the R process, and year 2 is so difficult.

A couple of things come to mind for me...I remember being emotionally exhausted. This shit gets draining after awhile! I remember being angry, and yes, pissy at my BH, which makes you feel torn, because we are WSs after all. Balancing the 'I'm pissed off but he's pissed off and I really have no right but I'm still feeling this way and what do I do with it?' is very, very tiring.

So, I feel that you do need to be patient and mindful of what Knight is dealing with every day, probably nonstop. As tiring as it is for you, multiply that by a lot, and that's his reality.

However, I remember LD posting about his troubles and at some point a BS on here (it was Nokidding) called him on it. She said at some point the A is no longer an excuse for your misery. You and AN are doing the work and you have to let go of the anger if you want to R. It isn't always about the A. Life is tough, there are challenges, and if it always comes back to the A you are cheating yourself (no pun intended). Move on! she told him.

It was a strong message, and thankfully LD got it. I felt like no matter what was happening in our lives, no matter how hard I was working and how transparent, remorseful, authentic I was being, it was always about the A. It is valid, of course, but at some point it's not.

All that being said, I don't think Knight is there yet. For him it is still very much about the A. Again, 16 months is so early in the R process. I can't remember when Nokidding told LD all that but it was awhile after 16 months. And the healing timeline is different for everybody. I think you'll know when it's past the point of being about the A and Knight being stuck in it. Nokidding made the point of that place being comfortable...staying there allows us to not look at the other issues.

We had plenty of pre-A issues. I believe it is hard for the BS to let go of the A and go back to pre-A, because doing that makes them feel like they are giving you the message that the A was okay. LD would say to me that it was tough to swallow that my cheating made him a better husband (after we worked on all the pre-A stuff). No shit, I would feel the same way if I were him. A better marriage was a gift to me after I chose to cheat. He also said that he committed to R so he would go all in, and make this the best M that he could. That blew my mind.

MC MC MC...this was all stuff that we worked through in MC, and at home every minute in between, lol.

But you can get there.

I'm rooting for you .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36501 | Registered: Sep 2007
scream
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Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AN thnaks for a great post. Knight, I understand how you feel. I don't know anything about it being allowed but I understand it happens. We have made our own catch22. Feel but don't share, share but let it go. We did this, to them to us. Thing is we do have feelings and we can get angry and self protective. Its human nature. How we do after is what may determine what kind of WS we are.

I read a lot on here and wonder about what we are "allowed" to feel and express. For a WS like me, who was emotionally dead and unwilling to share its a whole new ball game and I don't know the rules of how to play. So when things like this come up it doesn't have to mean anything more than your angry or just tired. And yes I know its 100x worse for our BS but we still have our moments.


Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was like he enjoyed something about it and it pissed him off big time

Although there are certain things or events that can trigger sadness or anger, you must remember this simple fact. It's not that thing or event he is pissed off about. He is pissed because you had an A. And he has a right to be pissed about that. And it takes a very long time to work through that.

The holidays in general can be very difficult even for people who aren't dealing with infidelity. People feel lonely, some desperate. Suicide rates are highest this time of year. Instead of being compassionate towards others around him, Knight can also be taking some of that extra stress in and internalizing it. Feeling like 'ya! Life does suck ass, doesn't it?' The holidays in general are rough.

So that being said, it's how you deal with it can make all the difference in the world. You can join him in his anger and frustration. Get annoyed and snippy when things just don't go your way. Which in turn I can guarantee will only cause more anger, more frustration. Or you can have compassion and understanding about where his emotions are coming from.

Some of the things he may say might not be valid or might be over the top. But have an understanding about where it's coming from. When you feel yourself getting frustrated, stop and take a step back and remember this is a man who is hurting.

Ask yourself why you are so pissed? Is it because you are tired? Is it because deep down you feel he should be doing better than he is? Is it because you really just want things to go back to normal?

I mean honestly, him not liking your hometown isn't the end of the world is it? Instead of becoming short with him, telling him you understand might go a little farther. Unless you are struggling with understanding in which case I urge you to ask him to help you understand.

I really struggled with understanding male pride. I had to have HT explain it in numerous ways. I posted about it to get other BM's perceptions. I will never fully understand but it helped tremendously to ask for the help. Don't be afraid to ask him to explain some of his feelings with you. And try not to be dismissive or annoyed when his reactions don't seem to fit the situation. Because I can guarantee they make sense to him, now. And that can change and grow over time.

So back to your original question: is it allowed? Yes, you can be angry. You can be tired. You can feel hopeless at times. But I don't feel it's productive to be reactionary in a negative way. It sends the message that you don't understand how he feels. It sends a message that how you feel is still the priority.

As far as him reading your posts. Well, HT has read every post I have ever written and vice versa. Some may not agree with this but it works for us. Him reading my posts gives him another peak inside my head. I can give him lip service all day in person but what I write helps to solidify what I say. Nothing I write is a surprise to him. Nothing he writes is a surprise to me. We really try to be an open book about all this stuff.

You have heard it before. Year two is hard. Bit if you keep communication open, you can get through it.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was like he enjoyed something about it and it pissed him off big time.

As a BS, this resonates deeply with me. I know that for myself, 11 months out, the valleys are sometimes brought on by the peaks. Case in point, Christmas. Last year I spent the whole (or nearly) of my son's Christmas break taking care of my wife and son because they had nasty, nasty flu bugs....didn't stop her from texting OM about how *happy* he made her after she got better. Now, in the present everything is fine....but for the BS it's really easy to get stuck in the emotional past. It does suck for the BS, and I'm sure it sucks for my wife as well. Early on, there would be a little of a "What did I do?"-type mechanism when I got all pissy for no (apparent) reason. Now, I think she just knows.
I believe it is hard for the BS to let go of the A and go back to pre-A, because doing that makes them feel like they are giving you the message that the A was okay.
This, too. For myself, there IS this subconscious feeling of not being able to let our guard down, because then it MIGHT happen again....especially if you've had more than one DDAY, and especially if you were blameshifted hard in the beginning. If I'm being honest, there's problem an element of punishment in play as well....kind of like, "Well, I'm not going to reward you for cheating with being nice, and you deserve me to be angry anyway, so just deal."
LD would say to me that it was tough to swallow that my cheating made him a better husband (after we worked on all the pre-A stuff). No shit, I would feel the same way if I were him.
Yeah, this is a tough one. I can tell you without a doubt that joining this site (as a result of the affair) has been helpful for me as a BS in protecting my boundaries and recognizing where I had some unhealthy, wayward-ish tendencies myself. But it is tough to deal with yourself...[t/j]I have a buddy about to get married and I want to impart all this advice, but I can't think how to explain how I came by this info without giving the whole story.[t/j]

One thing I wanted to add is that for myself, the culture we live in makes everything so much harder as far as trying to live in the present....the desire to rugsweep the whole thing sometimes feel reinforced from every angle, and fighting against that tide is exhuasting and makes one cranky.

It seems like you're doing a great job, though.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
pointofnoreturn
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Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't followed your story, but why is he upset that you had sex with someone before you ever met him? Was it like this pre-A?


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why is he upset that you had sex with someone before you ever met him? Was it like this pre-A?

It may not be wholly rational, but it's not a huge stretch, either. When you've been betrayed and feel as though you are being compared to others, it's really difficult not to feel threatened by EVERY relationship that might be held up as a yardstick against which you will be measured. Even relationships that predate your relationship.

(((knightsbff)) I'm sorry you're in a rough spot. This is a hard time of year.

I promise, though, there's not a BIT of "enjoying the pain" involved.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8300 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Kelany
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Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 17 months out from Dday #2. The epic one that blew up my world so beyond my imagination. Then, about 5 months of TT.

Sometimes, I enjoy something with my husband and kids, then...boom, out of no where, I trigger thinking, how tainted my memories are of similar activities during his A year's. Then my happiness is suddenly clouded. Then the anger and depression comes in.

Sometimes, I can tell my husband why I'm upset. Sometimes, I can't. I'm too angry and I just want to feel the emotion for awhile, or I can't explain it in words at that moment. Sometimes I just want to be left alone until I can get my emotions under control.

For me, the absolute worst thing my husband can do is get snippy with me and turn his back on me. It then brings back the rush of feelings I felt when he abandoned me during his affairs. That it turn causes me more pain, anger and fear.

What does help me is when he asks me what is wrong, gently. Asking what he can do to help me. Asking if something he said or did triggered me or did something else. I respond to that. Even if I say I'm not ready, knowing he's trying usually diffuses some of my anger.

I doubt that this was really about your home town, but rather underlying andger that he couldn't put into words. I think you could have asked what was really hurting him in that moment instead. Show him your compassion and desire to help comfort him. That you're making positive changes.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read through real quick this morning and thank you all for the replies. I will come back after church and read again to process better.

I was feeling tired and overwhelmed and handled it poorly. I'm feeling better this morning and have apologized and tried to talk about where I went wrong. I'm still trying to figure out what I should have done.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not ask him? Tell him you'd like to handle it better in the future if something like that happens again and ask him how he feels it could have gone better.

I know for me...it would have gone better if my husband would have said something like "Hey, I noticed you're upset, what's going on? Did something happen today that triggered you? How can I help?"

If I wasn't ready to talk about it him asking if he could hold my hand or just hold me while we watch TV or something until I was ready would have been helpful.

I know its really hard NOT to shut down and turn your back, but, he needs to see that you're trying to think of his emotions and not react like you would have previously. He may need some prodding by you to help him open up.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie said:
Knight let me ask you something, why was he reading your posts?
I think it's reassuring to get a peek at my thinking. I also believe he worries that I may vilify him for his anger. I truly don't mind him reading my posts. He doesn't attack me about them. BUT it's hard when I'm posting because I'm trying to get my thinking straightened out, especially if I'm feeling emotional about something. Also sometimes when he is having a hard time and I'm trying to be supportive I look here for support to help me through it. I don't want him to see me seeking support and then start keeping his feelings inside because I've found something hard to deal with.... The other thing about him reading my posts on SI is I sometimes start thinking he is only on the site to monitor me. This isn't true, he reads all the forums, but I sometimes will start thinking this way. I'm always wishing he would reach out for support here because I feel it would give him some things I can't. I know....I can't control him or dictate how he heals...
You need to communicate
True.

AN said:

I remember being emotionally exhausted.
Exactly.
As tiring as it is for you, multiply that by a lot, and that's his reality.
Exactly again. I almost always have this firmly in mind. I just lost it for a bit last night.

Scream said:

For a WS like me, who was emotionally dead and unwilling to share its a whole new ball game and I don't know the rules of how to play.
I struggle with this too. Hard to figure out how to balance the sharing and the sucking it up.

Woes said:

Ask yourself why you are so pissed? Is it because you are tired? Is it because deep down you feel he should be doing better than he is? Is it because you really just want things to go back to normal?

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with myself before I try to deal with him this might help. ^
I really struggled with understanding male pride.
sigh...yeah, this too...I will ask him to help me understand. It seems so much easier in the day time after a little sleep.

@Facepunched, your story about last Christmas made me feel sad and ashamed. There were time my BH was taking care of us, working hard, struggling, while I was busy betraying him. I need to keep it in mind. I'm sure it's never far from his mind.

Pointofnoreturn said:

why is he upset that you had sex with someone before you ever met him? Was it like this pre-A?
This was a pre-A problem but it's worse now. It was something that drove me crazy before the A and I should have worked on it with him, gone to MC or anything else, but I gave up.

Solus sto said:

EVERY relationship that might be held up as a yardstick against which you will be measured. Even relationships that predate your relationship.
he talked a little about feeling like this.

@Samantha Baker, thank you for the insight. I really screwed up in how I acted. During the A I would get snippy with him and turn my back on him to communicate with OM on my phone or iPad. He know this now and it is a major trigger for him. Yesterday I was working on my suckiest wayward of the year award. Today is a new day. I will handle things better. Back to my mindfulness app. Pausing before reacting or speaking. THINKING....

[This message edited by knightsbff at 3:53 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why is he upset that you had sex with someone before you ever met him? Was it like this pre-A?

I realize you have a whole thread's worth of stuff to discuss, but I'm narrowing down on this on. I too wondered why your relationships pre-A were such a huge deal to him so I read his older posts.

Knightsbff, you have done things with your prior relationships and AP that you haven't/won't do with your husband. That has to hurt him deeply. And yeah sure, you can move forward with the best of intentions of, "Dadburn it, let's kick this trigger square in the butt and make new memories together!" But honestly, it's not that easy. Why? Because if you suddenly start doing it now, he knows you're only trying to make him feel better. Which reminds him why you're doing it. Which reminds him that you did it for/with other people for years and only after Dday would you attempt to do it with him...it just goes on and on in his mind. kwim?

Should pre-relationship sex not matter? Generally yes. But not if you do ABC with some people and refuse your spouse.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 9:17 AM, December 16th (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Aubrie kind of hit the nail square on the head with regards to that particular issue. For a BS, there is the added mindf*** in situations where the WS did things with the AP that they had consistently claimed to dislike or not enjoy or to view as disgusting or disrespectful....there is an added hurt because it feel like one of two things (to us): 1) That the WS DOES like that stuff, just not with us, or 2) that the WS enjoys being degraded, but again, just not with us.(This one brings up all sorts of icky feelings)

And like Aubrie said, if you start offering that stuff now, then for the BS there is a little bit of a sarcastic, "Hey, don't do me any favors."-thing at work.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
inconnu
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Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH has been in leveled up, hyper turbo, super duper pissed off mode since we came back from Christmas card elves trip. It was like he enjoyed something about it and it pissed him off big time.

Sounds like he might be experiencing some post-G2G letdown. There tends to be a lot of positive energy any time SIers get together, and sometimes it's really tough to go back to "the real world" after being surrounded in person by people who really get it. I've found that it really helps to start figuring out which G2G I can make it to next.

We've been having 2 big Texas G2Gs a year, one in the spring and another one in the fall, in case either of you needs something to look forward to.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12120 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
nuance
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Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should ask why he is upset about your previous relationships. After the A I was upset with my FWW's ex boyfriends too even though I wasn't around. In her case they were all "bad boys" and so were her APs. I discussed with her that I was thinking that we weren't a match since I was not at all like them and I didn't want to be like that. She convinced me that was not what she was looking for a partner and she wanted me instead. Of course, this is a very brief summary - this conversation took years and now I finally pretend that I believe her :) Actually, now I made peace with it.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why is he upset that you had sex with someone before you ever met him? Was it like this pre-A?

I think this is the biggest thing we are both dealing with right now.

Knightsbff, you have done things with your prior relationships and AP that you haven't/won't do with your husband. That has to hurt him deeply.

I think this is part of it but not the biggest part. I had sex with the AP in a car once and in a closed public building once. I can see how in my BH's mind this would seem exciting and fun when in the reality of an A it's because time and locations are limited by the need to sneak and hide. Doesn't make it any better, just the way it is. Oral sex was offered (to my H) by me infrequently prior to and during the A. I have thought about that a lot and I now understand some of the reasons but that doesn't help him. Even though I am happy to offer those things now I understand that doesn't fix things. He triggers and has mind movies. We work on conquering them.

I think even though he knew what he was getting when he asked me to marry him it was still very tough for him. He was raised with the belief that if you save yourself for the one person you marry and spend the rest of your life with you will be blessed. He did that, I didn't. We couldn't talk about his feelings about this prior to the A because if he brought up any feelings of hurt or loss I would get uber defensive. "He had no right to be upset about what I did prior to meeting him." Truthfully it was a super sore spot for me because I had all kinds of guilt and shame attached to everything I had done prior to meeting him mixed up with guilt and shame I was refusing to face r/t CSA. He couldn't communicate his feelings and I couldn't communicate mine. Things were very tense...for years. Obviously we both need work here. I have done a lot of work on facing mine down. Right after d-day he was insistent that I needed to tell him about every sexual experience I had ever had. We talked to our ICs and the consensus seemed to be that that wasn't necessary and might not be helpful. I haven't done it as I'm afraid of even more triggers and mind movies. He hasn't asked for it lately either.

I would love to help him to come to terms with my past relationships but I think this may be something he will have to do himself.

Aubrie & Facepunched,
I understand what your saying. This is awful for him and even though our sex life is better now he's still got those tracks playing in his head that I'm only doing things now to make up for before. But I think all I can do is be authentic in offering myself to him because I love him and want us both to enjoy each other and then hope T-I-M-E will do the rest. The alternative is to accept that I've messed this up for us permanently and there's no hope for change. Not willing to take that approach but I'm open for ideas.

Inconnu,
He sounded interested in future GTGs. Hopefully he will still want to go. I think I will suggest when the time is near and then follow his lead.

Nuance,
You're right, I do need to open up more dialogue about this. I think me seeking to understand his feelings more fully will at least help me to temper my reactions. I'm not proud of getting huffy with him the other night.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 2:08 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading through this, something FacePunched wrote really resonated with me.

I know that for myself, 11 months out, the valleys are sometimes brought on by the peaks.

For whatever emotional/chemical reason, I remember that moments of happiness triggered sadness and rage in me during the second year. It was very frustrating for FWH, and for me as well.

It's like, we are afraid and angry that every happy moment is chased down and destroyed by the memory of the A. Holidays make these feelings explode exponentially for someone early out. All the joy and family and good times we were supposed to be experiencing are enmeshed with the memory of what we have lost, and then we become angry that we can't just be plain old content for one second.

It DOESN'T make sense on paper. It is really really hard for a FWS to deal with, especially when they have been putting their heart day after day, minute after minute into R only to have the kindest of gestures rejected.


This is a valley, kbff. You are absolutely allowed to have your feelings about this. Just know that where Knight is in his healing is indeed like that rollercoaster we all talk about - and the holidays are like the corkscrew part.

Sending you both big hugs.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16265 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with what's been said so far. I'm going through similar lows with Heart, and it sucks. It sucks [JINGLE BELLS].

I ask her every night if there's anything I can do on my way home from work, then once I'm home from work. One of the things she told me is that it helps demonstrate the changes I've made if I notice and compliment her on something she's managed to do that day, so maybe this is something you can use?

I reiterate asking if there's anything I can do throughout the evening, and I make certain to take time out of what I'm doing for sessions of time where I do nothing but pay positive, constructive attention to her: it could be bonding over a TV show or conversation or anything you like, so long as it's just you two and nothing else steals your attention.

I also take the time to do a little of the housework each day. It may not be much, but it shows I'm paying attention and that I care about the welfare of the house and its people -- a far cry from what I used to only care about, which is myself.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 19

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