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User Topic: frustrated.
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do i handle this? I feel at a loss right now. I triggered him and didn't even notice/realize/acknowledge it.

Last night BF invited me over to watch movies with him and his roommate. I said fine, but told him that I wasn't planning on spending the night because I was going to church in the morning. one movie came on and went, and at the end, I got up to leave, it was already 11pm, which is close to my regular bed time. BF asked me to stay, saying that I could shower and get ready for church in the morning at his place and to bring my dog over for the night to get me to stay. I agreed, and another movie came on. by the time it was over, it was 2 am and i dozed off. (once I fall asleep at night, i'm useless. if i get woken up, I either need to go back to sleep right away or i get cranky, i can't help it sometimes) We go to bed, i'm still half asleep, he tries to get me naked, i push him off because all i'm thinking about is I have to be up in 6 hours and how warm and comfy the bed is. He huffed and rolled over, and told me not to touch him. I thought he was just pouting, playing hard to get (he used to do this often) I was too out of it to play games so i rolled over too, thinking he would get over it and cuddle with me like he always did.

well, he didn't. He stayed on his side of the bed all night. He was still in bed when I left early this morning, though he have me a long kiss in his haze.

After church I texted him asking what happened, he replied with something along the lines of "I dont understand how you can turn me down so easily, but you can't turn down some random guy" (referring to my ONS) I replied apologizing for not being able to stay awake, but reminded him that going back to church was one of the things I was doing to better myself, and to dismiss that wouldn't be much progress on my part, and that if i were to follow through with last night, it would have been forced and thats no good for anyone. he replied with "if you can't keep up with me, theres no point" so I apologized again and said next time i'll just power through the sleep haze. he replied "if there even is a next time"

I know we're still early out of D-Day, and hes hurt and angry, but what can I do here? I don't know what he wants or needs from me, he has shut me out again.


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h was tired and tried to prod through... He had a hard time with that... And it hurt... I felt less than... "He could keep it up for her, though he said he hated every minute of it... So what's wrong with me..." Once that enters your head, it's hard to unthink it... Intellectually, i know, none of it had anything to do with me. But I still felt rejected.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BF's reaction to being turned down by you was totally normal and understandable. I don't care if it was 2 am. He found out you screwed another guy, what, a month ago? If you want to R, my suggestion is that you thank your lucky stars BF wants you.

"I dont understand how you can turn me down so easily, but you can't turn down some random guy"

Be advised, you still may hear this a year out, much less a month out. You hurt your BF deeply. Actions have consequences.

if i were to follow through with last night, it would have been forced and that's no good for anyone

I disagree. If sex is what your BF needs, to feel close to you, to feel valued by you, to feel that he made the right decision in not kicking your cheating butt to the curb...then that is what you give him. Anytime. Any way. Even if it's outside your comfort zone at the moment. Being intimate with you, after what you did, may be outside his comfort zone for awhile. Think about that, next time you decide to put your needs (sleep) ahead of his (sex).

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:47 AM, December 16th (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1198 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a BS perspective, I NEEDED sex from my husband to validate me after DDay. Twisted thinking, sure. But I needed it to know that he still wanted me, loved me, didn't want them, that he chose me and they meant nothing. I also needed it to reconnect and feel close to him again. Even when I was furious with him and hated him, I wanted to connect with him. It was a primal need. I couldn't understand where it came from. It was confusing. I was so hurt if he denied me. I sobbed about it in therapy. It was hard too because he is a recovering sex addict and he was afraid of using me to act out with so it was a compounded difficulty. Messed me up for quite awhile.

I definitely think you should examine his needs closely and why he is hurt. It isn't just about pouting and playing hard to get. Take all of that off the table because it's gone. He's reaching out to you, he's offering himself to you in effort to reconnect. If you can try to be there in the way that he needs. I'm not saying to let yourself be forced, but try to understand his perspective. I do know church is important, but I would have tried to go to a later service, or listened to the sermon online or just dealt with the lack of sleep.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From another BS, who has had to deal with that same scenario, minus the roommate, more times than I can count.

What your BF is doing is comparing your responsiveness to him sexually, with what you did with another person. Then, believing it reflects upon him. Which is a fair assumption, even if incorrect. You did turn him down, you didn't want sex, both are ok. But, why? He doesn't really know why. Maybe you don't either.

(once I fall asleep at night, i'm useless. if i get woken up, I either need to go back to sleep right away or i get cranky, i can't help it sometimes)

You sound like my wife, seriously.

If you really want this relationship to survive, you are going to have to put hellishly hard work into it.

You can't be "useless"
You can't be focused on your needs and wants.
You better figure out a way to "help it".

You cheated on this guy, he didn't drop you like a scalding cup of water, then he invites you over to spend the night...and no sex? He's looking for reassurance that you want him.

He's not getting it.

I hate to be doom and gloom, but your relationship is not going to survive at this rate.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Losttransport
♀ Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm going against the tide here. If mair was too sleepy for sex then no means no. HB is great, but just because she is a wayward, that shouldn't mean that that she should be ready "anytime, any way, even out of her comfort zone." Bodies have a primal need for sex, but also for sleep. This is early on for both of you, are you getting any counseling?


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will definately go against the grain here.

Have people actually read all of her posts? I would suggest the maybe a little reading might be in order, before posting.

MairlSaoirse is in a relationship that is far from being honest and true, not just from her ONS.

I believe your boyfriend had you come over with one thing on his mind, sex.

I think it is great that you chose to go back to church and have every right to set limits on what you do with your life. That is a positive step for you.

You are not a piece of meat, meant to be ready anytime your boyfriend wants sex. If you two were married, and your boyfriend was actually honest with you, then I would say to put more effort into the mix. I understand what the others are saying, that is why I suggested they read a little more of your posts, rather than simply react.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a no rejection rule early on. It really worked well. If one of us was not in the mood while the other was there were always other things we could do . if one of us was really not in the mood for even other things there was always "I'll watch". There was always some level of participation and never complete rejection.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread was bothering me a lot, in a way I couldn't put my finger on.

If sex is what your BF needs, to feel close to you, to feel valued by you, to feel that he made the right decision in not kicking your cheating butt to the curb...then that is what you give him. Anytime.

I thought about it and this statement really bothered me. Frankly because it is from a member 20 years your senior and is in a different life experience. Some of the others posts made the same type of point, again from members with very different relationships. I believe everyone is trying to be helpful, yet I think the previous posts and more insight in to this young ladies life is not a priority to the posts being made or in some cases even sought out.

For starters you are both 21. You both are not married. You BOTH have not been totally honest with each other. Your boyfriend "found" a naked girl in his bed? This would not happen in a settled marriage, period or there would be hell to pay and it would be paid to you Mairl Your boyfriend talked to his EX when you both agreed NC. This has been swept under the rug by your seeing someone else. On this site it would be a deal breaker for most people in R, or a huge blockage to further R. It would be a huge deal. Please think about these very carefully, I see them in your tag line and I know they are important to you.

Mairl, I don't believe a word from your boyfriends mouth to be honest. I don't trust his actions. Talking you into staying the night when you said you had plans to attend church, a growing experience for you, was simply because he wanted to get laid, as is the primary mission of most 21 year olds. I was one once as well. He is not so concerned with you as what you have between your legs frankly.

I don't think you need to feel guilty. I believe from your number of posts that you are doing the hard work of R. Your boyfriend on the face of it (from your posts only) does not seem to think he needs to do more than threaten you when you won't put out.

You are 21 years old. Life is just beginning for you. You deserve someone to be honest with you and I don't really think your boyfriend is being honest. I think you are playing a lopsided game. I don't want you to get the impression that spreading your legs anytime someone wants some is a good idea. It isn't and don't.

Here is my advise to you. You are young and you made a choice that hurt another. You have felt the hurt from him by his deceit. Separate and call it quits with this man, in as best a way as you can. Go forward with this knowledge from both experiences and add it to your tool kit for future relationships which are sure to come to you. I believe you both are not ready for a committed and long term relationship just yet. It will cause more pain for you both if you do go forward with it. Or talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you BOTH have work to do and it is not cool for him to coerce you with guilt and you won't stand for it and even out this relationship.

If you don't you will be in constant worry about what you are doing and I fear he will keep you constantly in frustration, because he is actually playing a bit of a game and you are not. It is called maturity and I think you are the more mature of the two of you and it will be a struggle for you for no good reason.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am happy to see I am not the only one disturbed by this thread. I still stand by my opinion on yout b/f, I think he is hurt but I also think he is incredibly controlling. The sex, the comments, the sweeping his actions with naked girl and ex away and saying you were his forever only after he found out about your actions....I don't know maybe I'm reading too much into it but I just feel he is really manipulative. This is a first for me in over a year on this site but I want to advise you to proceed with caution. By all means try to reconcile but do so carefully and make sure your actions are not being controlled by his whims, this is about healing yourself and helpong your betrayed heal, it is a fine line to walk.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2756 | Registered: Oct 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking you into staying the night when you said you had plans to attend church, a growing experience for you, was simply because he wanted to get laid, as is the primary mission of most 21 year olds.

Or, perhaps he loves her and wants to be with her...in and out of bed. She clearly loves him and wants to be with him, or she wouldn't be agonizing about all this. From our position of age and experience, we may opine that they'd be better off apart...but who are we to judge?

I interpreted Mair's question as, "What can I do here, to handle situations like this in the future so BF doesn't trigger?" and I stand by my answer.

astudentoflife, you're looking out for Mair in perhaps a fatherly way, and that's sweet. Had she asked, "Is this relationship right for me?" I might've answered the same way you did. She and her BF have both made bad choices that hurt one another in their relationship. Who among us cannot say the same?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1198 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, thank you all for the replies! i forgot to check here yesterday, so sorry for not replying sooner

I really appreciate all angles taken here. I'm going to address some points here, not in any order.

I interpreted Mair's question as, "What can I do here, to handle situations like this in the future so BF doesn't trigger?"
this was exactly how I meant this question to go, and I thank you for your input. I'm incredibly thankful!

In retrospect, I feel like I was being selfish, putting my needs before his and not thinking (nor, unfortunately, caring at that point in time) how it would effect him. in the moment, i justified it, but I was focused on myself and being self centered, which is something i am working on changing about myself

I am proceeding with caution, eyes wide open. Before we officially decide to R, we BOTH are doing a great amount of soul searching and figuring out our own issues. I know that before WE can be better, I have to make ME better. He wants a strong, independent woman that thinks for herself and has morals? well dammit, thats what he is going to get.

On his EXGF- that is a deal breaker, further contact with her will end the relationship. I put my foot down on that.

I like the no rejection rule, but at the same time, I feel like that may be taken too far in some instances, because my body has its limits whether i like it or not. though from now on I will think very long and hard before i consider turning him down again

currently not in counseling, because it is provided through our university and we are on winter break right now, but it resumes mid january. SI is my main source of counseling right now

Though my boyfriend doesn't lie outright (I've never caught him in an outright lie), he doesn't believe that omission is lying, as he has displayed. though i think he sees this differently now.

Against some peoples advice, I'm going to try to stick this one out. I do love him, for whatever that means at my age. I know that we can do this, if we both commit. If there is a chance he hasn't given up on me, I want to know that at the end of the day, it wasn't for a lack of trying on my part that caused it to end, should it come to that. And if it does come to an end, so be it, this was a learning experience and I'll know better the next time around.

I'm sure i'm leaving something out, but thats all i can think of for now


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. He wants a strong, independent woman that thinks for herself and has morals? well dammit, thats what he is going to get.

And what do you want?

Is he working on his issues?
Is he in counseling?

I agree with astudentoflife 100%

Don't be naive about this.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And what do you want?

I want to be someone I can be proud of, and I haven't been that person in a long time. I want to be honest, with others and myself. I want to be independent, with well-defined boundaries and morals. No more lying, hiding or shame. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

Is he working on his issues?
Is he in counseling?

He says he is, though he isn't much for sharing his thoughts and feelings with me right now. and no counseling for him, at least not right now


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mairl, it is good to hear from you again.

I am an old hand at lying and hurting my wife in the worst way possible. I have been married three times. I hope this is the last time and I am working on myself very hard to make that true. Having in the past not been a person of high moral character I can detect questionable morals in others pretty well.

This

Before we officially decide to R, we BOTH are doing a great amount of soul searching and figuring out our own issues.

and this

Is he working on his issues?
Is he in counseling?

He says he is, though he isn't much for sharing his thoughts and feelings with me right now. and no counseling for him, at least not right now

These two statements (I also included Mr. Panda's great question)make no sense what so ever, taken in context with each other.

So if you don't know if he is not working on his issues, which in my mind are very many issues, then why would you say you are both working on your issues? These are the kinds of statements which ring alarm bells for me for your sake. I get that you want to R and want to change your life, why are you putting words into his mouth by saying he is working on his issues, when you said later that you really don't know? This is an important question to ask yourself.

Lies of omission are huge. Lies of omission allow some folks to compartmentalize their lives, many are on this site and on this forum, me included. The lie of omission about his EX is indicative of a person going down a very slipper slope. Read some Just Found Out forums and see how many ex's that have been the cause of the ends of marriages that are decades in length.

To be honest and probably this will cause a bit of as stir here, I understand why you did what you did. I was young once and hormones were racing through my body. I can also understand what your boyfriend did. I once had a very different view to sex and relationships. That is the reason for my posts telling you to be careful that you don't start to beat yourself up in a one sided way that just is not true.

Here is my best advise to you. You seem like a very moral, very intelligent young lady. As one poster said I may be giving this advise in a fatherly way and I have a daughter just your age.

What we are talking about is love. Love is kind. Love is PATIENT. Wait for awhile before you two have sex again. Simply tell your boyfriend that you want to wait, until you have done the work you need to do to yourself until you make love again. I am betting that you will use the time to do just that. Date for awhile, have fun, but don't give of your physical self. See what happens. Give it six months and see what transpires. You may be surprised.

If it is love and you two have a shot at having a long lasting relationship you both will grow closer. If it is lust (a term used for hormones in this case)you two won't last. He will be off to his ex or another girl laying in his bed naked (to be honest, never figured that one out and it sounds fishy) or you may grow tired of him in that time and seek out someone else.

You thought enough of your relationship to come here and post about your life. You found it important enough to seek help and change your life accordingly. You found it imnportant enough to state you two are "Madhatters" on your tag line. I agree with you. An EA (emotional affair) is an affair and makes your boyfriend just as culpable as you are in the problems you are having. He needs to be open and honest as you are and has no right to withhold that part of himself from you.

To be honest, you two are not married. He has no right to make demands of you anymore than you have the right to demand anything of him. If you want to be married one day, you will test the relationship in just the way I described earlier. If you both can't do that, then realize that hormones play a larger part in your life right now than you both thought and simply be. If you need to put out to keep the relationship it is not the type of relationship that I believe you are striving for so much you chose an infidelity site to help you with, and that you are twisting yourself into knots over.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, all!

astudentoflife

This

Before we officially decide to R, we BOTH are doing a great amount of soul searching and figuring out our own issues.

and this

Is he working on his issues?
Is he in counseling?

He says he is, though he isn't much for sharing his thoughts and feelings with me right now. and no counseling for him, at least not right now

These two statements (I also included Mr. Panda's great question)make no sense what so ever, taken in context with each other.

So if you don't know if he is not working on his issues, which in my mind are very many issues, then why would you say you are both working on your issues? These are the kinds of statements which ring alarm bells for me for your sake. I get that you want to R and want to change your life, why are you putting words into his mouth by saying he is working on his issues, when you said later that you really don't know? This is an important question to ask yourself.

Very good point, i did contradict myself a bit. I think i could have phrased differently, i did kind of put words in his mouth to an extent. In speaking for him, I can only go off what he says to me, my mind reading skills aren't very good . maybe I can clarify/elaborate more. What I had meant by "we both need to work on our issues", those were his words, his condition of any possibility of R was that I had to make myself better, and he said that he had his own issues to work out as well, though he wasnt (and still isnt as far as I can tell) sure what exactly those issues are. This was right after D-Day when this was said, and then we have had a couple similar conversations since, each going this way.
Now, when I said "he says he is" in regards to working on his own issues, I really don't know what, or if he is doing anything on his end, i can only take his word for it, which more or less leaves me in the dark. this was a more recent conversation when I inquired how his own soul searching was going. he said he didn't know what I meant, so I explained what I thought my issues were, what my goals were, and what steps I was taking to achieve those goals, so I asked him what his goals were. he replied with "I want to be a better person" i told him that was vague, and asked what specifically, he just said "i'm still working that out"
He has always been very hush-hush about his thoughts and feelings, and even more so now. I can only relay the information he tells me, because he wont let me in on his thoughts yet.

I very much like your advice by the way, I was thinking of doing something similar by means of abstaining. I like your way better though

do you have any advice on how to get through to him about lying by omission? he thinks i'm blame shifting to an extent whenever I bring it up


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mairi :)

I don't know exactly how to explain lies of omission, I guess you could suggest he read some posts on this site. That could help in a number of ways, he could see exactly what lies of omission are (What they don't know won't hurt them...) and he could realize his own infidelity with reading about NC and the damage it causes when it is broken. Then he may just back off from you a little bit with the justification talk.

In fact that is a great idea! You are here and reading and posting and learning about you. Commendable action on your part. If he is not interested, I would wonder just how committed to R that he is interested in. Yes, it would be more of a test. A test that a few on here look at the results of with their spouses. Sure those are BS that rightfully ask the question of their WS how committed they are if they won't read on this site, however I won't pull punches, I believe you are in a madhatter relationship and the focus is on your boyfriend just as much as you IMHO.

That was why I suggest abstaining from sex for awhile. Not because I am a prude, but as test of your relationship. I believe you want a loving relationship, long term, am I correct in that thought? Abstaining and remaining faithful to each other, being transparent and having fun getting to know each other without the sex would be a great way to see if you two are compatible for the long haul. To see if your boyfriend is at the same place and wants the same things that you want.

Your relationship is different to an old married couples with kids, and a solid committment and a life built up. What I meant when I said hormones, was more that "love" is a mix of hormones and chemicals that makes for an infatuation with another person. We think it is love, but the two are very different. At your age it is very difficult to tell the difference when it has you so strongly in it's grasp. That is why I suggest a step back to find what you are truly looking for. Sure it can be fun, sexually and otherwise, eventually it dies out. I believe the demands of infatuation are much different to marriage and love demands.

When I say "your age" please don't take that as a pejorative. You are much younger than I am and I have been where you are and have felt the effects of it. I believe you are smart, intelligent and caring young woman who deserves what she wants. There will be someone else in very short order if you two split up and you will need to make the same determination then as well.

Not being a communicator will be a real problem in the future when things get even more complicated. Think about that as well Mairi.

Went and reread your post to finalize this one and I have a thought for you to really really look at.

He has always been very hush-hush about his thoughts and feelings, and even more so now. I can only relay the information he tells me, because he wont let me in on his thoughts yet.

To me "He has always been hush hush" means just that. That you have never seen "inside" of your boyfriend. "Because he wont let me in on his thoughts yet" kind of is another makes no sense statement. Do you think if you work on yourself and he accepts you that he will suddenly open up? In my experience with little old me, it took 30 years and three relationships before anyone knew about the real me. From my experience with that type of personality and dozens of stories on this board, lies of omission go hand in hand. Please think that one over very carefully as well Mairi.

You know your willingness to humble yourself and learn from your mistake is refreshing. I will go on a limb and call what you did a mistake. Your youth, inexperience and naivety puts you into a different category than say someone like myself that did not make a mistake, I made a choice with full knowledge of the damage. Learn from it. Don't do it again, ever. Don't beat yourself up. I may sound like it, but I am not beating your boyfriend up either. He is learning too, the same applies to him.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did send him here once, very close to D-Day, because I found it a great resource and thought he would too. He said all he got from this site was "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "cheating runs in the family". I will mention it again though. I think i'll make a thread in the general section asking for peoples stories about lies of omission, that way he can see them all in one place and maybe it will click. maybe.

Officially, we are in Limbo. I gave him until classes started back up to decide if he wants to R or not, because I'm starting to feel strung along.

You're right, I do want a long term, loving relationship. At this point of our relationship, I do think we are out of the infatuation stage. I agree with what you're saying about abstaining, and building the relationship that way.

I do hope that he will open up, should he choose me. I've opened myself up to him in ways that i've never let anyone in, made myself extremely vulnerable to him, and i've been met with an air of indifference. I'm not sure what to expect. He says he can only open up to people he loves and trusts, and he doesn't trust me, and I dont blame him. I've laid everything on the table for him, I've gone all in.


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on what others have posted about your relationship, with the boyfriend, I'd just withdraw all my prior comments.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I told him about the site again.

Once again, it didn't go over well.

I told him that I think he should come here for help, because the person he is going to, to talk to has never experienced either side of infidelity, or even been in a real, loving relationship where marriage down the line was an option. She just can't connect with him that way, because she has not herself experienced any of this this. Not to mention she is biased, and the people over here will give you a 2x4 when you need one.

I got something like this in return (he was getting mad at me at the time, so this is partly out of anger)
"there you go, going to other people for opinions again. i thought you wanted to be independent and think for yourself, so much for you changing. I dont need to go to some site to talk to people who dont know shit about anything"

we're both on winter break, in our respective homes which are a 5 hour drive apart, most of this conversation went through text and eventually over the phone, because he was hanging out with that friend who he is sharing our problems with. at the end of the conversation hours later (which ended up taking a turn for the better as he finally opened up to me about something), I told him we both needed this space to really think about what we wanted to happen, and to think about a change in ourselves, as well as to try to enjoy our family time.

I dont know, i think i was just babbling and venting. But i'm going to try to get him on this site one more time, when we're both calm, and see how that goes


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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