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User Topic: New discovery, old affair
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Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell, very sorry you are in this situation. Like you I found out about my WW affair later(much later 30+ years). Also like you my wife has shown sincere remorse. I found out almost a year ago, and I still cannot get it out of my mind.

You are receiving excellent comments and suggestions from people who don't know you, or your wife but they do have the experience of being where you are now.

I also see you are defensive of other posters reference to the B&B. That is partially a defense mechanism that when we find out about our wife affairs, first we can hardly believe it is true. We certainly do not want to believe there was many more, or it went on for a very long time. He recalls the name of a woman he saw 2-4 times. Although he has probably seen thousands since. Your wife could look like Norma Jean, I'd still challenge his detail of recollection, and his willingness to share with you.

My question on this is, why would she pay for the first week-end? It points to the possibility that your wife made the original arrangements at the B&B? This dirty week-end was planned in advance, knowing the anticipated outcome and knowing the risk this placed upon her relationship with you.

The AP paid for the re-run of the first dirty week-end. The first one probably went well where your wife wanted a return week-end behind your back. This again had to be planned in advance and cannot be called a fling.

You know, she has already lied to you about the first week-end having sex, that is normal. You don't believe her about the first night. I suggest there were physical boundaries broken between them in the months before the B&B dirty week-end. These are adults, not high school kids.

Another point I would like to add is this B&B dirty week-end took place extremely close to your own anniversary vacation. Your WW showed no signs of remorse/guilt to you during that time.

I completely agree with you on the DNA tests, I wouldn't ask that of my kids (they are mid to late 20's). I am the only Dad they have known. If a DNA test determined someone else was the biological father, that opens a second wound where the AP would have access to your family and his child. I would not put mine through that.

As others say, get the poly for your own piece of mind, you cannot forgive if you don't know the extent of her activities outside the vows of your marriage. We are simply guessing using the information you have provided.

I commend you on your strength, although you are in a turmoil underneath, you appear quite focused. Know that your emotions will roller coaster, anger love, hate, frustration, hurt and pain. Whether you decide to reconcile, or to break apart - it will require all your strength and support from family and friends.

You may forgive your WW, but like me you will never forget what she has done to you, and your kids.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had not thought of the point that she probably made the original arrangements, so I called her and asked and she told me that she did. She asked me to come over and gave me her timeline. I told her that I wanted both the DNA test and the Polygraph ( I remembered the word) and she agreed, and then told me, in front of my SIL and BIL that it was all her fault and she didn't blame me for anything. She asked that I consider giving her the chance to prove her love, that right after I came home from my job, she was out of her mind with guilt, which is why she went to the therapist/counselor, in the first place. When the counselor told her to not confess but be the best wife she could be, she also told her that telling me would be selfish and she should "bear her burden". She felt validated for not telling me and as time went on, and things between us were so good that she didn't want to rock the boat.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to make your own choices regarding R. Those of us BS on SI whose WS was never even slightly remorseful, and there are quite a few of us, have been encouraging because we know the pain you're feeling. However, we also know how much harder healing was because of the lack of remorse and most,if not all, of us would have loved to have a WS as remorseful as yours appears to be. Even if things don't work out it's still very helpful in terms of recovering for yourself.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing she said, " I don't deserve your love, but I want you to know that I will always be yours and die before I will ever do anything like this again". Then, " You can throw me away, if you want to, but I will always come crawling back". Also, "She doesn't believe that she deserves another chance, but prays for one." She handed me her phone and PC with all of her passwords written down. I told her to tell her Pastor what had happened and she said that she would have him call me to prove she did so. I

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been on the phone to both the guy and to the manager of the counseling office. The guy verified her timeline. She said in her letter that they didn't have full sex the first night, but did everything but, Kissed, touched and the like. They had sex, just regular sex, twice the second night. They had a "make out session" in his car, in late January, though. Which she had not told me about before. She said that it was too cold to do anything else and that he suggested the B & B, but he couldn't get away to make the arrangement so she did. The next month, they had sex once, Friday night, twice Saturday and Sunday morning they agreed to end it. They called each other a few times in April and early May, mainly to ask each other how they were doing. Both his and her explanations agree and are supported by the phone records. Calls to and from the guys # tapered off pretty dramatically after the March weekend. Both of them said that they used protection the first weekend , but not the second weekend. There was no oral sex or anything kinky as Muslims consider such things unclean. I'm tempted to believe some of this, because my wife said that she would have done it if he had asked.
Can you f**king imagine this!!!!!! Okay, so what if she is telling me the complete truth. SO FUCKING WHAT? I can't believe that I'm having to do this and ask these kinds o f questions to my own fucking wife?????!!!!!! I'm trying as hard as I can to not let my disgust show, but when she was telling me this today, my expression must have been pretty awful, because she stopped talking and put her head down aand cried for a while. she kept repeating that she was so sorry and forgive her and I love you. It's enough to drive a person fucking crazy.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing the best I can. What I want is to curl up in the fetal position with a bottle of whisky and drink myself unconscious. I can only take being around her so long and hearing so muc , that I have to get away I have a hunting cabin up north, maybe I will go up and try to get it together by myself for a couple of days.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But no, I can't do that because my slut wife might fuck a football team while I 'm gone.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might as well go.
You've already put her out of your house and have told her your talking divorce.

Nows the chance to reallky test her.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 485 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
♂ New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now you have more of the truth, it wrenches your gut as your denial subsides and reality sinks in.

All I can say is, for me I decided that my WW made some very stupid decisions that I can never forget. I will try to forgive, but the marriage is scarred forever. She shows me every day how much she loves me, but the mind games, the mind videos and the self humiliation of this is really hard.

I am toughing it out, after almost one year it still hurts.

I wish you well, and continued strength to get through this. She made her decisions, the decision to remain or break the marriage is yours. Take some time out to completely assess your situation.

good luck

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, Bdell, it sounds to me as if your wife is a pretty amazing woman who is human, flawed and at times weak and made a series of awful choices that she quickly regretted and is sincerely remorseful for.

This may have been mentioned, but she may have been trying to avoid this path when she called that December and begged to come be with you. My H was also married to an awesome spouse, but due to his various issues he fell very carelessly into a meaningless LTA and didn't stop until caught. I sure wish I had what you have!

I actually feel pity for both of you. Please remember that none of us is perfect and all we can do once we have messed up horribly is try to repair the damage and vow never to do it again. Your W is doing both, to a degree quite rare here at SI.

Best of luck; believe me I understand your pain, and also your hurt pride. But I suspect the woman you married is still there and worth it.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far you have found out what she did. Now, just as importantly you need to find out why.

Don't accept 'I don't know' 'I can't explain' etc. etc. One condition of you agreeing to reconcile should be a clear explanation of why she committed adultery. If she won't explain then she should remain at her sisters until her memory improves.

Look, your marriage was good, there was absolutely no excuse for what she did. There has to be some pretty unique reason for cheating numerous times without protection and you deserve to know about it.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another guy here to tell you that it sucks being here, but glad that you found us.

You have handled yourself extremely well, given the atom bomb that was dropped on your life. And I will echo the others that say no matter how much we tell you that your wife is currently doing the right things, it is hard to *appreciate* it at the moment.

Look---for what it is worth, take your time to decide what you want. Your wife has already claimed several times that she will wait for you until the end of time, so it really is up to you where you want to go from here. The problem is, your head is spinning in circles. You can't believe that the one you loved and trusted completely stabbed you in the back. Where the hell do you go from here???

The sad truth is---there is no easy way out. This shit called infidelity is a process, and it takes time to work through. And you will come through this, but with some scars. It will be the forever reminder of what was.

But it gets better. Her remorse helps...a lot more than you may realize at this point. True, she is the one who put you in this hell, but she can help you get out faster than many others on this site. Believe us when we say that her remorse and actions are far, far more than most waywards after discovery.

Give it time---what else have you got?

Good luck, friend. Sorry that you are here.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2077 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
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Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am 3.5 years out and rarely post on S I but something in your experience compels me to add some thoughts.

You really are managing this horrible nightmare pretty well,however, I read the entire thread and noticed some areas of particular concern.

More than once you have mentioned using alcohol to deal with this pain...please be careful and don't add the consequences of alcohol use to your misery...alcohol solves nothing.

Your wife is being remarkably transparent/honest. You will find as you read more about infidelity that it is the waywards lies and lack of remorse that usually end most marriages not the cheating.

Adultery is a legitimate "deal breaker" for many and no one could acuse you of doing anything wrong if you end the marriage now.

Your world and life as you know it is forever changed!

You are searching for the "right" me...there is NO completely right decision that you can make here.

Two basic choices. Stay married and work on forgiveness and rebuilding trust with the one person you just knew could never betray you or divorce.

You do sound like you are on the divorce fast track.

Let's think about the real consequences of divorce.

If you divorce you will forever lose the woman you have loved and shared life and children with.

How will seeing her with a new husband affect you?

It may be tempting to think that you can find another that will not cheat...maybe...but what other baggage will someone else bring into a relationship?

She will not be perfect and neither are you.

You said you and your wife had a great sex it's not realistic that you will remain alone.

You sound like a great man that was happy in a committed relationship...proud of the marriage you thought you had...I've been there...thought that.

A great man...not a perfect one.

My advice.

Think of any event in your life where a parent, teacher, friend, boss, child, sibling, forgave you for a bad choice you made and gave you a second chance. None of us are perfect...we may not have committed adultry but we have made other bad choices and we were all given second chances.

Thinking about this may allow some hope that you could someday forgive your wife.

Please don't do/say anything that will close the door on the possibility of reconciling...leave this door open until YOU decide to close it. Close this door only AFTER the emotions have settled enough for clarity however long that takes.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
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Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think you've done really well Bdell. Your story seems very similar to mine. My wife had immediate, humble remorse as well. But here is the problem, you now have two choices that you don't want. Either you divorce someone you probably still love, or you stay married to someone you can't stand, with all the memories and thoughts of her planning, and looking forward to, and fucking another guy. "she would have given him oral if he asked." That's a tough pill to swallow isn't it? To think the woman that was yours and yours only was willing to do anything for another man.

And those words of how she will never cheat again until she dies, and will always come crawling back, as you know, those are just words. You now know that she's capable of quite easily lying to you. You may remind her of that.

And I can't advise you anymore, because I don't know what to do from here either. Some days I think to myself that I love her and should just get over it. It's just sex after all. She wants ME! It's obvious that I'm the prize, blah, blah...

And then I think to myself that I will never again have what I had, my marriage is forever changed and screwed up. And I think, wouldn't it be nice to be free? I have money. Maybe I could travel to Italy, hang out by the beach. Maybe I could meet someone new? Someone that hasn't betrayed me. My marriage was just a chapter in my life. A good chapter. But just a chapter. And maybe now I'm ready for someone new. She had that "new love" feeling. Maybe it would be nice for me to have it too?

So, I don't know how to advise except to say, don't rush. Your frame of mind has already changed twice in a week. give it as much time as you possibly can. You will know when you can't give it anymore time. And then you make your decision. I wish you peace and happiness with whatever you decide.

BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013

Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my best bud, today and told him and his wife about all that had happened. They are our closest friends and we have done a lot together over the course of our married life, so they know us and we know them pretty well. I HAD to talk to somebody I could trust, I HAD to.
After telling them the horrible news, they both reminded me of what was going on during the time of my CW's affair. It gives me a lot of insight into the "why" of it. They didn't sugar coat it but told me straight out as only true friends will do.
At the time of her affair, there was a lot of things on both our plates. First there was my job, which forced our marriage into an LDR. There was her father's Cancer , which he died from, in June. His illness was long and she bore the brunt of it , because I was not there to help. Our youngest had , that fall, gone off to college, so she was alone in the house. My wife doesn't make friends easily, so when my Best Friend and his wife moved out into the country, she was basically left with her sister, who worked nights and nobody else. I knew all of this, back then, but she always told me that she was OK . I worried about her constantly. I called her every day, and like I said we met at least once a month for a long weekend. Catlover50 has a good point. When I left in December, it seemed like she would lose her grip. She cried and begged to come with me, but after she calmed down we knew we couldn't afford to be a one income family. so she stayed. Was this a cry of desperation? I know that none of this excuses cheating, but I am trying to look at it from her POV. She was alone, in a LDR, her Father is very ill, with an emptynest/home and few people to confide in or just have some fun with. I've been lonely and I know what it can do to a person, especially with death and sadness around. This hits me really hard.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Bud's wife said that she knew something was wrong, because she and my wife usually talk every day or so , and around the end of February and early March, my wife didn't call her much at all.
They also told me something interesting about themselves, they had some troubles early on in their marriage and both had brief affairs. This was several years ago . It looked for a while like they would divorce, but they stayed together and until today I never knew. They have invited my wife to stay with them in the country, and get away from any depressing situations, and rebuild her self esteem and strength. I think this is a great idea. I actually felt better today, just seeing them. WE Went to my SIL's and my wife and his wife talked and cried for a long time, and My Bud and I went and had a few beers and talked. Afterwards, my Buddy's wife said to me, that I had no idea how much she (my wife) hated what she had done and how much she loved me. She said that what my wife had done was try to escape.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Based on what your buddies wife has said, especially given their experienced perspectives, and all of the positive actions and steps taken by your WW, it seems like you are in a relatively enviable position compared to others on SI.

I think if you were to keep doing what you need done (poly, DNA etc) to confirm things, but with an open mind to R and letting your WW atone, it really does look positive from what I have read on here.

You have nothing to lose from giving your WW a chance.
You are under no pressure to define a hard date for when a decision must be made either, you could simply decide to reassess whether you are ready to make a decision or hold off a decision until you feel you are sure..

I suggest you go to the cabin if you need to, if your WW does do something bad, then it just makes your decision easier after all.
Although I doubt it, and besides, her sister, your kids and friends are all aware and have agreed to keep you in the loop, so there are many eyes on her while you would be away too.

Good luck...

Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
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Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I would like to impart one thing someone on SI told me when I was in your same position.
and the difference was my WW was not remorseful at all in the beginning.

We had a daughter that was going thru a 4 yr eating disorder..WW also had no friends, we had cancer and deaths of close family at the same time..

ok...with all this going on, I didnt chose infidelity as a way of coping and WW did.

What I was told by a good friend on SI was

"Good People make bad decisions"

This helped me tremendously. Maybe this is not for you, but i certainly helped me.

Sending you strength...friend...

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
OK now
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Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Various surveys have indicated that about 90% of women who cheat have a strong resentment against the BH.

Resentment - affair justification - green light to cheat

Your wife was alone she may have felt abandoned by you; as if you had left her with all these troubles and you wouldn't allow her to join you in her workplace; left her to cope with her fathers terminal illness. Sure you can logically argue that all the above were unavoidable, but emotion and logic are uneasy bedfellows.

Her affair lasted nearly two months with numerous sexual contacts and unprotected sex, which is a very special intimacy. I would not be surprised if her adultery was driven by resentment against you, however unfair that may seem.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our kids are coming home for the holidays tomorrow. What am I going to do? They have been at my parents this last week , while I investigated the affair. I didn't tell my Mom and Dad yet, just that we were having some problems. When my Mom finds out, she will go ballistic. She is extremely religious, and super protective of her "brood". If I do decide to try reconciliation, she will not be a big help. Dad will have to control her temper. He's the only one who can. As an afterthought, maybe I should tell him and let him break it to Mom. Either way, she is going to savage my wife, verbally, and now is not the time for that. My daughter has already been very disrespectful to her mom. This just keeps getting better and better.
I don't know what to do about all of this. With the Holidays coming up just seems to make everything more urgent and immediate. I think that having my wife go to my Buddy's is a great idea, but I don't want her to intrude on his family's Christmas. If she stays at my SIL's over the Holidays, that will cause a lot of drama. So......I told her she could come home, TEMPORARILY, for the holiday week. After New Years , I will make other plans.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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