You are receiving excellent comments and suggestions from people who don't know you, or your wife but they do have the experience of being where you are now.
I also see you are defensive of other posters reference to the B&B. That is partially a defense mechanism that when we find out about our wife affairs, first we can hardly believe it is true. We certainly do not want to believe there was many more, or it went on for a very long time. He recalls the name of a woman he saw 2-4 times. Although he has probably seen thousands since. Your wife could look like Norma Jean, I'd still challenge his detail of recollection, and his willingness to share with you.
My question on this is, why would she pay for the first week-end? It points to the possibility that your wife made the original arrangements at the B&B? This dirty week-end was planned in advance, knowing the anticipated outcome and knowing the risk this placed upon her relationship with you.
The AP paid for the re-run of the first dirty week-end. The first one probably went well where your wife wanted a return week-end behind your back. This again had to be planned in advance and cannot be called a fling.
You know, she has already lied to you about the first week-end having sex, that is normal. You don't believe her about the first night. I suggest there were physical boundaries broken between them in the months before the B&B dirty week-end. These are adults, not high school kids.
Another point I would like to add is this B&B dirty week-end took place extremely close to your own anniversary vacation. Your WW showed no signs of remorse/guilt to you during that time.
I completely agree with you on the DNA tests, I wouldn't ask that of my kids (they are mid to late 20's). I am the only Dad they have known. If a DNA test determined someone else was the biological father, that opens a second wound where the AP would have access to your family and his child. I would not put mine through that.
As others say, get the poly for your own piece of mind, you cannot forgive if you don't know the extent of her activities outside the vows of your marriage. We are simply guessing using the information you have provided.
I commend you on your strength, although you are in a turmoil underneath, you appear quite focused. Know that your emotions will roller coaster, anger love, hate, frustration, hurt and pain. Whether you decide to reconcile, or to break apart - it will require all your strength and support from family and friends.
You may forgive your WW, but like me you will never forget what she has done to you, and your kids.
Nows the chance to reallky test her.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
All I can say is, for me I decided that my WW made some very stupid decisions that I can never forget. I will try to forgive, but the marriage is scarred forever. She shows me every day how much she loves me, but the mind games, the mind videos and the self humiliation of this is really hard.
I am toughing it out, after almost one year it still hurts.
I wish you well, and continued strength to get through this. She made her decisions, the decision to remain or break the marriage is yours. Take some time out to completely assess your situation.
This may have been mentioned, but she may have been trying to avoid this path when she called that December and begged to come be with you. My H was also married to an awesome spouse, but due to his various issues he fell very carelessly into a meaningless LTA and didn't stop until caught. I sure wish I had what you have!
I actually feel pity for both of you. Please remember that none of us is perfect and all we can do once we have messed up horribly is try to repair the damage and vow never to do it again. Your W is doing both, to a degree quite rare here at SI.
Best of luck; believe me I understand your pain, and also your hurt pride. But I suspect the woman you married is still there and worth it.
Don't accept 'I don't know' 'I can't explain' etc. etc. One condition of you agreeing to reconcile should be a clear explanation of why she committed adultery. If she won't explain then she should remain at her sisters until her memory improves.
Look, your marriage was good, there was absolutely no excuse for what she did. There has to be some pretty unique reason for cheating numerous times without protection and you deserve to know about it.
You have handled yourself extremely well, given the atom bomb that was dropped on your life. And I will echo the others that say no matter how much we tell you that your wife is currently doing the right things, it is hard to *appreciate* it at the moment.
Look---for what it is worth, take your time to decide what you want. Your wife has already claimed several times that she will wait for you until the end of time, so it really is up to you where you want to go from here. The problem is, your head is spinning in circles. You can't believe that the one you loved and trusted completely stabbed you in the back. Where the hell do you go from here???
The sad truth is---there is no easy way out. This shit called infidelity is a process, and it takes time to work through. And you will come through this, but with some scars. It will be the forever reminder of what was.
But it gets better. Her remorse helps...a lot more than you may realize at this point. True, she is the one who put you in this hell, but she can help you get out faster than many others on this site. Believe us when we say that her remorse and actions are far, far more than most waywards after discovery.
Give it time---what else have you got?
Good luck, friend. Sorry that you are here.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I am 3.5 years out and rarely post on S I but something in your experience compels me to add some thoughts.
You really are managing this horrible nightmare pretty well,however, I read the entire thread and noticed some areas of particular concern.
More than once you have mentioned using alcohol to deal with this pain...please be careful and don't add the consequences of alcohol use to your misery...alcohol solves nothing.
Your wife is being remarkably transparent/honest. You will find as you read more about infidelity that it is the waywards lies and lack of remorse that usually end most marriages not the cheating.
Adultery is a legitimate "deal breaker" for many and no one could acuse you of doing anything wrong if you end the marriage now.
Your world and life as you know it is forever changed!
You are searching for the "right" decision....trust me...there is NO completely right decision that you can make here.
Two basic choices. Stay married and work on forgiveness and rebuilding trust with the one person you just knew could never betray you or divorce.
You do sound like you are on the divorce fast track.
Let's think about the real consequences of divorce.
If you divorce you will forever lose the woman you have loved and shared life and children with.
How will seeing her with a new husband affect you?
It may be tempting to think that you can find another that will not cheat...maybe...but what other baggage will someone else bring into a relationship?
She will not be perfect and neither are you.
You said you and your wife had a great sex life...so it's not realistic that you will remain alone.
You sound like a great man that was happy in a committed relationship...proud of the marriage you thought you had...I've been there...thought that.
A great man...not a perfect one.
Think of any event in your life where a parent, teacher, friend, boss, child, sibling, forgave you for a bad choice you made and gave you a second chance. None of us are perfect...we may not have committed adultry but we have made other bad choices and we were all given second chances.
Thinking about this may allow some hope that you could someday forgive your wife.
Please don't do/say anything that will close the door on the possibility of reconciling...leave this door open until YOU decide to close it. Close this door only AFTER the emotions have settled enough for clarity however long that takes.
And those words of how she will never cheat again until she dies, and will always come crawling back, as you know, those are just words. You now know that she's capable of quite easily lying to you. You may remind her of that.
And I can't advise you anymore, because I don't know what to do from here either. Some days I think to myself that I love her and should just get over it. It's just sex after all. She wants ME! It's obvious that I'm the prize, blah, blah...
And then I think to myself that I will never again have what I had, my marriage is forever changed and screwed up. And I think, wouldn't it be nice to be free? I have money. Maybe I could travel to Italy, hang out by the beach. Maybe I could meet someone new? Someone that hasn't betrayed me. My marriage was just a chapter in my life. A good chapter. But just a chapter. And maybe now I'm ready for someone new. She had that "new love" feeling. Maybe it would be nice for me to have it too?
So, I don't know how to advise except to say, don't rush. Your frame of mind has already changed twice in a week. give it as much time as you possibly can. You will know when you can't give it anymore time. And then you make your decision. I wish you peace and happiness with whatever you decide.
Based on what your buddies wife has said, especially given their experienced perspectives, and all of the positive actions and steps taken by your WW, it seems like you are in a relatively enviable position compared to others on SI.
I think if you were to keep doing what you need done (poly, DNA etc) to confirm things, but with an open mind to R and letting your WW atone, it really does look positive from what I have read on here.
You have nothing to lose from giving your WW a chance.
You are under no pressure to define a hard date for when a decision must be made either, you could simply decide to reassess whether you are ready to make a decision or hold off a decision until you feel you are sure..
I suggest you go to the cabin if you need to, if your WW does do something bad, then it just makes your decision easier after all.
Although I doubt it, and besides, her sister, your kids and friends are all aware and have agreed to keep you in the loop, so there are many eyes on her while you would be away too.
I would like to impart one thing someone on SI told me when I was in your same position.
and the difference was my WW was not remorseful at all in the beginning.
We had a daughter that was going thru a 4 yr eating disorder..WW also had no friends, we had cancer and deaths of close family at the same time..
ok...with all this going on, I didnt chose infidelity as a way of coping and WW did.
What I was told by a good friend on SI was
"Good People make bad decisions"
This helped me tremendously. Maybe this is not for you, but i certainly helped me.
Sending you strength...friend...
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful
Resentment - affair justification - green light to cheat
Your wife was alone she may have felt abandoned by you; as if you had left her with all these troubles and you wouldn't allow her to join you in her workplace; left her to cope with her fathers terminal illness. Sure you can logically argue that all the above were unavoidable, but emotion and logic are uneasy bedfellows.
Her affair lasted nearly two months with numerous sexual contacts and unprotected sex, which is a very special intimacy. I would not be surprised if her adultery was driven by resentment against you, however unfair that may seem.