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Newest Member: feistyfiona (44934)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New discovery, old affair
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I really want to do is chuck all of this and join the French Foreign Legion.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
alback
♂ New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,
If I can offer a suggestion for you regarding the holidays.

Try to have a normal Christmas for the sake of the kids. You have already told them, so a discussion about trying to work together to get through this, with no promises of the outcome. This has really come about so recently to you, time is needed to sort out your rocked world. Perhaps to explain how much pain this has caused you, and how much grief your WW is experiencing having now realized the enormous hurt to you, your kids and to her own self respect. I am sure your WW has been an excellent mother, remind the kids that this is not a time to gang up on her. That showing her disrespect will do more harm, she needs compassion as she hurts too.

You will be in a better place with your family around you, your emotions will still roll up and down. You will be amazed at how much you really do appreciate the support your own family at this time.

As to your parents, either tell your Dad in privacy and ask him if he can keep it to himself until after the holidays. That way he will understand what you and your family is going through, and he will be available to field some of your thoughts. Or tell him following the holidays with the explanation that you didn't want to spoil this Christmas season for them.

I am quite amazed at how well you are handling this, good luck.

I hope this helps,


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was yet another thing, I needed to do. I was looking on the "wayward" section and there is a thread about possessions that the AP might have given the WW. It struck a nerve, so I asked my wife if she had anything from him. She said no and that she threw away any clothes she wore during the A . I then asked her if , during the A, she wore her wedding ring, and she said yes. I asked for it back , but she begged to keep it. I took it anyway. I told her that if I decide to give her another chance and if she proves herself worthy, I will buy her another.
On a more positive note, I thanked her for thinking about the Counseling records. The office manager and the counselor and my wife and I will sit down after Christmas and review everything that is in them and my wife will get a copy, plus the office manager has said that she, herself, will be my wife's new counselor. She has had experience in her personal life with infidelity and believes in complete honesty. I want to say that she ( the office manager) has been extremely understanding and helpful, from day one. I also said to my wife that I talked to the kids last night and told them that I would not tolerate any more disrespect being shown to her. We will sit down tomorrow after they get home and I will set the conditions for Christmas behavior, both at our house and at my SIL's. That should be fun.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to say that since last week, I have been very fortunate to have so many people , who have given me a ton of support and help. My Buddy and his lovely wife, my kids, The Office Manager at the Therapist/Counselor's office, my SIL and her husband, even the owner of the B&B and the poor wife of the OM. All have helped me through the most difficult week of my life. Even my service in Iraq was not this tough. But I especially thank all of those posters who have taken time to give me encouragement and advice. You all have my deepest gratitude.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell I have said this before and others have said it too.

You are doing really well. You are making good logical decisions. I just want to point out that not everyone can do that at this stage. You should be very proud of that. No one can doubt your resolve and character.

Keep your character and integrity intact. Especially when it comes to coping. You have to lets this hurt sink in. Once you do it starts to go away little by little.

Find 10 minutes a day to reflect, be angry or distract yourself. schedule it. Do what you need to. Knowing it is coming up will help you each day. My IC suggested it to me, I though he was crazy, but it works.

Your W approach is good. That helps sometimes. Just be mindful that she is doing it now and probably still going off of her script or plan she thought about over the past 4 years. If she starts to waver, call her on it. Actions have consequences there is no avoiding that.

Most of what everybody tells you on SI comes from their own personal backgrounds so remind yourself to take all advice with a grain of salt too (mine included).


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
whatlysbeneath
♂ Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,

Sounds like you have a great network of people in place to help you get through this mess.

I have had friends and family that were very helpful both early on and to this day.

S I has been the single best resource for me to learn, understand, and process all the different types of pain infidelity brings.

You mentioned in a post that you were going to require that your wife confess to her pastor. What was the result?

Faith has been essential to my healing and hopefully it can be very helpful to your wife and family. I understand that people may be wary of faith in your situation in light of the fact that your wife attended and worked in her church regularly before during and after her affair. My wife attended regularly as well...it took some time but the churches unequivical position on adultery has helped.

I also loved the reference to joining the French Forgein Legion...use your sense of humour as often as you can, it helps.

Allowing everyone to be together with clear rules of conduct is also a very good idea.

Broke my heart for you both when I read your post about taking your wifes wedding ring. I hope she understands that it represents the old marriage that is now over and that if you stay and offer her the gift of reconciliation a new ring will represent a new beginning and a new marriage.

You have come a LONG way in a VERY short time...but you may still be in crisis mode.

Be prepared for a possible emotional "crash" when the emotions settle.

You are doing great...hang in there...we care and are hoping for the best.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her Pastor said basically that it was up to me to do what I felt was best. That she was welcome in the Church but that she must atone to me.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ It's when you're at your lowest, that you need the solace of your church. After all, it wasn't the righteous that the lord dwelt with. It was with those in need of him.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
cissi
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Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not tell your parents. This is between you and your wife and enough people already know, which I think you will regret. Why do you feel the need to tell them?

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I have to tell them something and it should be the truth.. Perhaps your family isn't , but ours is very close knit and they already know that something is wrong, and I'm not going to lie for my cheating wife.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My family is extremely close also but I don't think there is a need to tell parents when it will just bring about future pain and with your mother that sounds like the case. If you decide to divorce, then of course they should know. But, I feel this is going to make any reconciliation much harder for you two, if you decide to go that route.

Just my opinion and you sure don't have to agree. Take care.


Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
gonnabe2016
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Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I have to tell them something and it should be the truth

Dude. Be careful with this.

A simple "We're dealing with some things right now, sorry if things seem weird" is perfectly acceptable and it's the truth. I really don't think that now is the time to tell your mom. You totally don't need this, and right now, neither does your CW:

When my Mom finds out, she will go ballistic. She is extremely religious, and super protective of her "brood". If I do decide to try reconciliation, she will not be a big help.[] she is going to savage my wife, verbally, and now is not the time for that.

Quite frankly, your marriage is none of their business unless you choose to make it so.....even if you are a close-knit family. It's not as if you need to tell because you need support. You seem to have that handled. It seems that you'd be telling *just to tell*, kwim? Don't punish your CW by proxy.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Cissi and Gonnabe2016, but I disagree. I will stretch a point and wait until after the Holidays, but There is to be NO, zero, zilch, nada, secrecy and deception, from this day on, in the Bdell family. Transparency and honesty are the policy from now on.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonnabe2016, Let me ask you this, Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife? I haven't as yet, but why should she get a free pass?

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am , of course, not going to allow my MOm to abuse her.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading my Wife's timeline (btw, she is home) I called the OM and compared it to questions I asked him and his BW. It is clear that the OM is trying to "throw my wife under the bus" he is blaming her for everything. I had her listen on the speaker, so she could hear for herself. I think that now, I have a good idea of the number of sexual incidents, meetings, and I already had a good idea of the number of phone calls. After my kids get home today, we will have a meeting and I will lay the law down about how the Holidays will go. then I will "put everything on hold" until after next week.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least with the dialogue with the OM you have another source for the truth besides your WW. Also the confession given to the IC.

Your wife really has to explain her mindset. This was not an ONS, she went back for much more and would have f***ed him January if the car hadn't been so cold; didn't even have the decency to protect her family from STD's/pregnancy by using a condom. Was not intending to confess and was perfectly prepared to give the guy oral sex to his hearts content.

Not that easy of a situation to simply forgive and move on, which is why the focus, [now you substantially have the facts], needs to be WHY, FOR HEAVENS SAKE. As I said before; look for anger, resentment and a desire to punish you for imagined 'neglect'


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me ask you this, Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife? I haven't as yet, but why should she get a free pass?

Bdell, all we can do is give you our opinions. This is your life, and obviously you can do what you wish.

Your wife by no means has a free pass. While she f***ed up royally, she is paying the price. She whored herself out. Potentially threw her family/life out the window. It ate her up inside enough to seek help. In my opinion, she was given the wrong advice to keep it to herself(at least that was her interpretation). By how fast she has come clean with everything, I believe she would have confessed on her own, if she was not told to do otherwise.

She will gladly wear the scarlet letter for the rest of her life....she has stated such. Not only has she betrayed you and her family, but she betrayed herself---and that is difficult to overcome.

So no.....there is no free pass.

There is a big difference between punishment and consequence. If you feel you need to tell others, because it is how you were raised, and how you live your life, then so be it. But don't punish her because you are hurting, and want to make her hurt more. For example---if your children were raised in your example, do you want them to tell others that are very close to them? You stated that you will lay the groundrules, which means that YOU set the tone. Why can't the tone be like gonnabe stated--that you and your wife are having family issues right now? That is still 100% accurate and true...without going into further detail.

Again, its your call. You know that. We are only suggesting that you cannot unring the bell. As well as you have handled yourself so far, you have to accept that everything is still so raw and fresh, and to at least think about this punishment/consequence scenario a little bit longer.

Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Kiddingmyself
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Member # 33013
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife? I haven't as yet, but why should she get a free pass?

Because she's neither your child nor your pet.


WH on DDay 2: "I should just work and shut up. My happiness doesn't matter."

Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely right, Kiddingmysef, how observant of you to notice. She isn't my child or my pet. What she is , is a traitor. She betrayed her husband, her family and her own core values. Put me and herself at risk for STD's Which is, in many parts of the country, a liable act. In pretty much every society, treachery/adultery is, if not punished, not, by any means, encouraged. Congratulations, you are the first poster to post an unwanted, smarta** comment.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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