Try to have a normal Christmas for the sake of the kids. You have already told them, so a discussion about trying to work together to get through this, with no promises of the outcome. This has really come about so recently to you, time is needed to sort out your rocked world. Perhaps to explain how much pain this has caused you, and how much grief your WW is experiencing having now realized the enormous hurt to you, your kids and to her own self respect. I am sure your WW has been an excellent mother, remind the kids that this is not a time to gang up on her. That showing her disrespect will do more harm, she needs compassion as she hurts too.
You will be in a better place with your family around you, your emotions will still roll up and down. You will be amazed at how much you really do appreciate the support your own family at this time.
As to your parents, either tell your Dad in privacy and ask him if he can keep it to himself until after the holidays. That way he will understand what you and your family is going through, and he will be available to field some of your thoughts. Or tell him following the holidays with the explanation that you didn't want to spoil this Christmas season for them.
I am quite amazed at how well you are handling this, good luck.
I hope this helps,
You are doing really well. You are making good logical decisions. I just want to point out that not everyone can do that at this stage. You should be very proud of that. No one can doubt your resolve and character.
Keep your character and integrity intact. Especially when it comes to coping. You have to lets this hurt sink in. Once you do it starts to go away little by little.
Find 10 minutes a day to reflect, be angry or distract yourself. schedule it. Do what you need to. Knowing it is coming up will help you each day. My IC suggested it to me, I though he was crazy, but it works.
Your W approach is good. That helps sometimes. Just be mindful that she is doing it now and probably still going off of her script or plan she thought about over the past 4 years. If she starts to waver, call her on it. Actions have consequences there is no avoiding that.
Most of what everybody tells you on SI comes from their own personal backgrounds so remind yourself to take all advice with a grain of salt too (mine included).
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Sounds like you have a great network of people in place to help you get through this mess.
I have had friends and family that were very helpful both early on and to this day.
S I has been the single best resource for me to learn, understand, and process all the different types of pain infidelity brings.
You mentioned in a post that you were going to require that your wife confess to her pastor. What was the result?
Faith has been essential to my healing and hopefully it can be very helpful to your wife and family. I understand that people may be wary of faith in your situation in light of the fact that your wife attended and worked in her church regularly before during and after her affair. My wife attended regularly as well...it took some time but the churches unequivical position on adultery has helped.
I also loved the reference to joining the French Forgein Legion...use your sense of humour as often as you can, it helps.
Allowing everyone to be together with clear rules of conduct is also a very good idea.
Broke my heart for you both when I read your post about taking your wifes wedding ring. I hope she understands that it represents the old marriage that is now over and that if you stay and offer her the gift of reconciliation a new ring will represent a new beginning and a new marriage.
You have come a LONG way in a VERY short time...but you may still be in crisis mode.
Be prepared for a possible emotional "crash" when the emotions settle.
You are doing great...hang in there...we care and are hoping for the best.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Just my opinion and you sure don't have to agree. Take care.
Because I have to tell them something and it should be the truth
A simple "We're dealing with some things right now, sorry if things seem weird" is perfectly acceptable and it's the truth. I really don't think that now is the time to tell your mom. You totally don't need this, and right now, neither does your CW:
When my Mom finds out, she will go ballistic. She is extremely religious, and super protective of her "brood". If I do decide to try reconciliation, she will not be a big help. she is going to savage my wife, verbally, and now is not the time for that.
Quite frankly, your marriage is none of their business unless you choose to make it so.....even if you are a close-knit family. It's not as if you need to tell because you need support. You seem to have that handled. It seems that you'd be telling *just to tell*, kwim? Don't punish your CW by proxy.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Your wife really has to explain her mindset. This was not an ONS, she went back for much more and would have f***ed him January if the car hadn't been so cold; didn't even have the decency to protect her family from STD's/pregnancy by using a condom. Was not intending to confess and was perfectly prepared to give the guy oral sex to his hearts content.
Not that easy of a situation to simply forgive and move on, which is why the focus, [now you substantially have the facts], needs to be WHY, FOR HEAVENS SAKE. As I said before; look for anger, resentment and a desire to punish you for imagined 'neglect'
Let me ask you this, Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife? I haven't as yet, but why should she get a free pass?
Bdell, all we can do is give you our opinions. This is your life, and obviously you can do what you wish.
Your wife by no means has a free pass. While she f***ed up royally, she is paying the price. She whored herself out. Potentially threw her family/life out the window. It ate her up inside enough to seek help. In my opinion, she was given the wrong advice to keep it to herself(at least that was her interpretation). By how fast she has come clean with everything, I believe she would have confessed on her own, if she was not told to do otherwise.
She will gladly wear the scarlet letter for the rest of her life....she has stated such. Not only has she betrayed you and her family, but she betrayed herself---and that is difficult to overcome.
So no.....there is no free pass.
There is a big difference between punishment and consequence. If you feel you need to tell others, because it is how you were raised, and how you live your life, then so be it. But don't punish her because you are hurting, and want to make her hurt more. For example---if your children were raised in your example, do you want them to tell others that are very close to them? You stated that you will lay the groundrules, which means that YOU set the tone. Why can't the tone be like gonnabe stated--that you and your wife are having family issues right now? That is still 100% accurate and true...without going into further detail.
Again, its your call. You know that. We are only suggesting that you cannot unring the bell. As well as you have handled yourself so far, you have to accept that everything is still so raw and fresh, and to at least think about this punishment/consequence scenario a little bit longer.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife? I haven't as yet, but why should she get a free pass?
Because she's neither your child nor your pet.