First sorry you are here and second, sorry you are getting comments from some that are not helpful or in good spirit.
You've been amazing so far. The fact that some cannot fathom your anger is their problem. Not yours. However, I can say that just strategically, do not rush into anything your cannot undo.
Seeing a lawyer to understand the scope of divorce, separating finances, detaching from your wife to get perspective are all vitally important for betrayed husband. Even with a wayward wife that seemingly expresses real remorse (and not just regret from being caught). The most important thing in the world right now is to get your feet back under you and brother, you seem to be a master at this. So keep on keeping on.
As to exposure to your parents or whomever you desire - that is entirely up to you. Those saying keep it secret are only offering their perspective. You do what you have to. But when you do it, make sure you let them know what happens is your choice and not theirs and this is not their marriage. It is great to get support, believe me. It sucks to get judgement.
And finally, if you have not already, check out the betrayed mens thread in "I Can Relate." Lots of military veterans down there too.
Go Navy! (Sorry, just had to throw that in...)
Strength to you brother
Gonnabe2016, Let me ask you this, Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife?
As someone said earlier: you cannot unring the bell.
It's your life and your decision; I'm just offering my perspective.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I don't mean to be preachy. This wound is very fresh for you. I think you are doing really well. Better than I did. I was pretty emotionally cruel for a while. I regret it.
Anyway, those are my two bits. Good luck friend. You will have many ups and downs over the next year, regardless of your choices.
[This message edited by mike7 at 9:20 AM, December 20th (Friday)]
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:48 AM, December 20th (Friday)]
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
You're going to get a lot of different opinions from a lot of different people. The best advice I can give is to take what you need and leave the rest.
I will say though that sometimes the advice that bothered me the most is the advice that hit closest to home.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:41 AM, December 20th (Friday)]
I am finding it really hard to strike a balance. On the one hand, because of my anger, I DO want to rub her nose in it (proverbially). I want her to hurt as bad as I do. Maybe that's wrong, but it is honestly how I feel sometimes.
Something that helped me was this: feelings are just that: feelings. They come and go; ebb and flow. Actions are concrete. Reactions based on 'emotion' are sometimes recognized as unwise (in hindsight).
We get it, Bdell. We're just 'talking it out' with you.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:51 AM, December 20th (Friday)]
I understand what your are feeling, but I don't see you as punishing your W. You are expressing your anger which, at this early stage, is completely normal.
As long as you aren't being abusive, and yes I do agree that cheating on your spouse is abusive, you are entitled to process your feelings. You have to or else this toxic mess is going to bubble over.
You have a plan in place. Excellent. Stick to your plan. Use it to find some comfort that even small parts of your life can be predictable.
I can see your logical mind peaking out and looking at situation objectively. You absolutely need to do that. While the situation contributed to your W actions, it does not excuse it. Approaching things with a logical mindset is a great way to cope with some of this crap. You see it. Acknowledge it with your W when you feel comfortable. Another member here once told me it was important to "take a break from the hurt with your W once and awhile."
While it feels wrong and I couldn't do that a lot, it was helpful for me. I slept, ate and coped better.
Again, grain of salt. You know yourself better that we do and know what you need the most right now.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Plus, some have pointed out that they wished that their WS' had even 1/10th of the remorse your WW has. Don't lose sight of that. There are some posters who are IMO projecting their own anger and disappointment onto your situation. Be careful with poisoning your heart by reading here. It can happen.
I am a big fan of honesty. My WW's family is one that kept secrets about everything - molestation, abuse, mental illness, you name it. Secrecy was their way of dealing with stuff. They also learned that a 'secret' made something special. OM took advantage of my WW's belief in secrecy as opposed to honest communication. I think teaching your kids a lesson in being honest and authentic is very valuable and is to be commended. I think many here were afraid of the confrontation and conflict associated with honest disclosure and thus rationalize that choice.
Your WW's IC gave her very bad advice. When you see an IC you think you are seeing an expert. Heck, my wife's IC encouraged her 1 year EA before the PA under the guise that 'he lived far away' and 'it was good to have a friend to confide in'... Huh, what about the husband?
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:40 PM, December 20th (Friday)]
I would also say hats off to Mrs. Bdell, she's handling this pretty well too. I'm not excusing what she did at all, but I'm giving her credit for coming clean. As mad and as hurt as you are now, it's an entirely different hell when they show no remorse and continue to lie to your face and you KNOW it. At this point, she seems to be doing everything possible to minimize your pain. Take some comfort in knowing that it could be worse if it weren't for the way she's handling things now.
I understand how you want her to suffer like you are. I've wanted the same thing because my WW, frankly, doesn't give a shit right now and I don't know that she ever will. I've inquired on SI about telling people to expose the A, but, if I'm honest, it was also to get back at her. I've told some of her family members and some close friends (more for support for me), but it didn't do any good as far as her A is concerned. It embarrassed her and made her mad, but it didn't stop the A either. The difference in my WW and your WW is that yours cares. Telling everyone about it and making her suffer will, IMO, end up hurting BOTH of you in the long run. Even no longer than I've been in this mess with a completely unremorseful WW, I regret saying some of the things I've said that I know hurt her. I would encourage you to spare yourself of that guilt.
I'm sure you've heard "kill 'em with kindness". Well, based on what you've said about your WW, the best way you could "make her suffer" is, IMO, to be kind to her. I would imagine it's easier to justify cheating (doesn't sound like she is even doing that) on an asshole than it is to cheat on the greatest man you've ever known.
If you decide to R, you both will have to help each other. Don't make that path harder on YOU by trying to punish her.
Just my two cents.
Your kids are humans, and should be allowed to not only feel, but EXPRESS how they feel, without concern that they will be acting against your wishes.
I'd rescind that directive. They're victims, too---and it's unfair to expect them to adhere to your emotional timetable.