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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New discovery, old affair
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I went back inside, one child was furious and screaming, the other was locked in her room, sobbing, my wife was in the bathroom , alternately sobbing and vomiting, and the dog was howling.

It seems your family has a lot of anxiety. Have you thought about family counseling or IC for yourself?

You don't need to tell your parents anything. You say your family is completely honest and transparent. Does this mean your parents know your sexual likes and dislikes? Why not? Because it's not their business. Telling your parents will bite you in the butt. If your mother is very religious and you decide to R, will she disown you? She doesn't have to overtly abuse your W to destroy her.


Posts: 841 | Registered: May 2009
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anybody in my family reacted outrageously considering what had happened. Two young people discover that their mother is a cheater, their mother is consumed with guilt and shame and you expect them to act normally? What planet are you from? Oh sure, the dog overreacted, but he's always been a sympathetic soul.
And lie to my parents for how long? It isn't simply a matter of whether it is their business or not , it is a matter of making up false explanations to account for the turmoil in my family. As I said, we are a very close knit family, and I am not accustomed to lying or deceiving my parents. Perhaps your relationship with your family isn't as strong as mine is.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I said earlier, if you feel the need to talk to your parents, I don't blame you. That is your choice, and you are certainly entitled to it. I just stated that you don't have to go into detail of your marital problems if you don't wish to.

One of the difficult parts I remember shortly after D-day, was how to be the strong, yet understanding father, while my world was blown apart. My kids were much younger than yours, so I handled them differently.

I don't want to go off on a long side story here, but I will anyway:

I had the best parents in the world...the are both deceased. I can tell you that today, and every day forward, I appreciate even more the relationship that they had. For that, I am one lucky bastard.

My mother passed away suddenly, 19 year before my father. I was the youngest of 3 children at the age of 24, and I can tell you that all three of us fell apart. My father, in his typical superhuman self, carried his three kids through that crisis. But I would still catch him crying occasionally...the first time in my life that I saw that.

But the one thing I knew, was that he would never look for another partner.

Fast forward 17 years past my mother's death. Due to his heavy involvement in AA(at this point, he was sober for 51 years, but he always wanted to help others), I somehow came to believe that he was emotionally involved with a member that he was helping. It seemed to bother him more about the problems that she was having(financially), and for whatever reason, I just had the belief that he just wanted some companionship in his later life.

I was wrong. He was just my typical father who saw the good in everyone, and was helping another person who was in need. There was no emotional attachment...at least in the way that I was thinking...and that was the end of that.

But the point I am getting to, is that it really bothered me. Way more than I ever thought. It was not my place to decide how my father lived, and if he was looking for company, then who the hell am I to say no? But I still couldn't come to grips with my thoughts. I was being selfish and confused....over something that was all in my mind.

So I can't imagine how your kids feel. They were blindsided as much...if not more...than you, if that is possible. Our parents are there to protect us---and we look up to them like no others in our lives. So how do they cope with this?

I only say this because you do seem to have as good a handle on everything as one could be, in your situation. Plus, on top of this, your wife in right on the edge, and seeing the destruction of the three most important people in her life, has got to be taking its toll.

I guess what I am suggesting is, to tread lightly. There is a whole world of unchecked emotion in your household. I wish you the best in how you see fit to handle it.

Sorry, friend.

Sorry for you, your kids, and your wife.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 19(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 26yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1871 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
whatlysbeneath
♂ Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,

I agree with your approach, only you KNOW your family and so far you have handled a horrible situation with grace, fortitude, wisdom, and remarkable restraint.

I was also blessed with a wonderfully tight knit family of orgin, sadly both my great parents passed before my WWs choices. I miss their support but at least they were spared the betrayal of a person they loved and accepted like a daughter.

It always strikes me as a contradiction when some on S I advise against one of S I s basic tenants, openess, transparency and truth.

It could just be that only a few of us on S I had incredible parents that support with strength and wisdom, not perfect, but great none the less.

I will continue to pray for you and your family.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bdell

I truly hope you find some joy with your entire family this Christmas.

And while you might decide to punish your wife I do hope you put some thought into how far you will go.

Because it will determine how high she has to climb back up.

She is remorseful but how strong she is only you and she can truly know.

Consequences are necessary. I do agree with you.

Ride herd on your family. Everyone is hurt but when they gang up like that no good or positive steps can come from that behavior.

Take this week to recharge, enjoy time with your family and ponder your future.

HM
PS
What rank were you in the service?


Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there are some posters who believe that my approach has been heavy-handed, but I would like to assure you all that my wife had agreed to every step I have taken. If anything, she has been far harder on herself than I have been.
I would also like to say that I sat my kids down and told them that there was to be no disrespect for their mother. Her affair was between she and I, and she has always been a wonderful Mom to them.
She later came to me and said that was the best Christmas present she ever got. I also would like to say that I will have zero tolerance for anyone else , outside the family, disrespecting or insulting my wife. She may be a cheater, but she is MY cheater.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until I say otherwise.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the first time you've said that your WW is "yours".

Sounds to me like your on your way to R.

Now that would be a REAL Christmas present.


BH - 63
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 430 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
one of S I s basic tenants, openess, transparency and truth

.....that is correct. But I have always *heard* it as openness, transparency and truth BETWEEN SPOUSES/within the relationship. I've never understood it as also adding "to the world at large."

My take is that a BS who wishes to R should only go with the full-bore, shock-and-awe disclosure campaign if that BS is dealing with an unremorseful, cake-eating WS.
And then varying levels of disclosure to others, under other circumstances. Such as if the BS wants to tell someone because s/he is in need of support.
end t/j

Bdell. I'm glad to see that you are not holding firm to the "have to tell my mom when she's here" and are going to recon the situation before you take any decisive action. I like your plan of getting through the holiday and then letting your dad break the news to her at a later time.
Everyone's emotions are running so high right now.....I'm concerned that if you mom goes "ballistic" and starts verbally running your CW down, that it will cause a lot of confusing/conflicted emotions in you and your kids. You may feel satisfaction about it, while also feel as if you want to 'defend/protect' CW against your mom's attack (if that is how your mom handles the news). And then, if your CW really is remorseful, you will feel guilty for allowing and enjoying the beat-down that mom gave to CW.
It really is a mine-field.

Enjoy the holiday and your kids as much as you are able to. You'll work your way through this....and you'll be okay.


eta: cross-posted. I was glad to see that you cracked down on the kids about being disrespectful towards their mother.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:59 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not heavy handed at all..It is hell navigating thru this shit storm..

If you feel that you need to let your mom know it is because you need the support..If she asks though, can you just tell her that you are going thru a rough patch in your marriage and leave it at that?... But like others before me said, you know yourself and your loved ones way better than we do..

Based on my personal experience, I am an advocate for sitting mom down and telling her the WHOLE story if or when you decide to D, not this early in the game..

I have experienced family members being judgmental AGAINST me for being married to my WH..

When I found out that he cheated, this was terrible to my self esteem, but the stress of feeling tension in the air every time I visited family made it even worse..

I had no choice in choosing whether or not to tell my parents when my first D day happened, because I found out in a very dramatic/traumatic way and then it made the public news very quickly..This was 27 years ago..

My family was judgmental about me not leaving, yet they weren't able to provide me much support had I left..Fear at the prospect of raising a new baby as a single parent with little support paralyzed me ..We R'd and raised our kiddos who are grown now.. But this tension between my WH and my family got me to the point where I became somewhat isolated from my family..I had to visit them without WH..

My mom isn't so judgmental this time around, she knows that I am not in R and she is only concerned about my wellbeing..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:58 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 797 | Registered: Nov 2011
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A marriage is between two people, not two people and their parents. If you needed parents for support that is understandable but this is about humiliating your wife.

I am a BS and I never thought I would take the side of a WS but in this case I think your wife is the one who should be doing the leaving.

Don't worry, I won't read any more so as not to get myself any more upset and risk lashing out at you.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 194 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps your relationship with your family isn't as strong as mine is.

I realize you're hurting, but you've really been quite nasty to a great many posters here, all of whom are here to support you. Telling everyone that any man would remember your wife? no, not at all. I'm sure you've seen many beautiful women in your life - and you don't come close to remembering them all. Regarding your children - no, I don't think they overreacted, and I'm from this planet. Just because they didn't overreact doesn't mean that they couldn't use a good counselor.

Not telling your parents that your wife cheated years ago is not lying to them. This is not something they have a right to know, so it isn't lying by omission either. You may want to tell them, and you may think that every thing that happens in your life is their business, but you are a grown man. You can tell your parents that marriages have issues, and you aren't up to discussing it now. But you won't, because that would leave 2 people that aren't looking down on your wife.

Your kids didn't need details. They needed to know that married couples have problems. Your parents don't need to know.

Don't get me wrong - you handle this how you want and how you feel is appropriate. But please don't keep taking swings at the people here. They are all here to help and support you. No one here is an enemy, but you are treating us as if we are the ones that cheated.

BTW, you may not want your WW disrespected, but if you continue to tell people about it, she will be, and you cannot control the world.

I hope you find peace.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girlietoo, thank you for not participating any more.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast, advice relating to the affair and it's issues are appreciated. Criticism of my family and my relationship with them is not. I am fully aware that I am a grown man, so your remark was rude and patronizing. If you have nothing positive to contribute, I would suggest that you go elsewhere. If you don't want me to be defensive, then don't attack me.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also like posters to know that with one exception, I have been polite and calm with my wife, and have not humiliated her or held her up to ridicule in any way. I told her to tell the kids the "bare bones" of the issue and not to elaborate on any details that she felt uncomfortable mentioning. Every person who knows about the affair is somebody that SHE has agreed should be told and in some cases, has volunteered to tell. In point of fact, I have agreed to far more secrecy than I am normally comfortable with, to protect her Mother's feelings, for example. I told her to tell her Pastor so that he could help her and give her guidance, telling her boss and SIL was her idea. I have even asked her to point out to me any time she feels I am being abusive or rude.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one exception was when I first saw her after she returned home. I was unable to contain my anger and pain, so for about 20 minutes, Yes, I shouted and swore at her , calling her many crude names, until I decided to leave and get control of my emotions. I then returned and apologized to her for my language. I have not repeated that behavior, since.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regardless of whether we divorce or reconcile, I am determined to proceed with understanding, compassion, and courtesy, but also with the clear understanding of the boundaries for conduct that I feel is best.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell, I agree with your approach. I also agree with your decision to let your family know what you are dealing with since you know your family.

I agree with transparency and being authentic. I do NOT see simply saying to your dad that hey my wife had an affair and it is long over and my wife is very remorseful is punishing anyone. A simple statement like that is discrete and not disrespectful.

I think the unusual reaction by some may be their projecting onto you. Many BSs here keep the secret as a way of 'nicing' their spouse back into recommitting. Also I think some BSs internalize the shame of their WS' choices. So they do not want anyone to know. Finally, many still feel the need for their parents approval...

Heck, if you cant share your pain with your own family, who can you turn to?


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bell, everyone here, well almost everyone, is trying to give you the best advice they can. The saying here is take what you need and leave the rest. If a particular piece of advice is not for you, ignore it, but be sure that the one who gave it was just trying to help. You're raw and in pain, we've all been there. No one wants to attack or hurt you any further.

One of the common themes we've learn here is that the A is never an isolated incident. Many factors played a part in getting you to this place and you're going to have to deal with a lot of satellite issues the A has caused. One of the big ones is its effect on family and friends. We try to give advice on all aspects of the damage, cuz it gets spread far and wide.

Bro'hugz.


Remember, everyone here, even the ass-hats who can't keep there anger in check, are actually trying to help.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the unusual reaction by some may be their projecting onto you. Many BSs here keep the secret as a way of 'nicing' their spouse back into recommitting. Also I think some BSs internalize the shame of their WS' choices. So they do not want anyone to know. Finally, many still feel the need for their parents approval...

LOL. OK. I threw my WH out after a week of him not being remorseful, but I tried to nice him back. Ok. Oh, his affair was over 3 months before I discovered it, but I was being nice to get him to recommit. What was that you were saying about projection?

Bdell, I wasn't attacking you or your family. My real point was the hostility you've shown many of the posters here. I commented on your family because you made it seem as if there is no other way. Also, you seem to be dragging out telling people. Today it's your friends. Tomorrow, the kids. In 3 days, your parent. If you're going to tell, then do so. Why keep punishing her by humiliating her over and over and over.

I don't blame you a bit for yelling when you first found out. If it was just that one time, you're better than most in that sense.

However, I stand by my comment that if you are going to insist on people respecting your wife, you're going to be sorry if you continue to tell people. Eventually you'll hit people that have no respect for a cheater and won't no matter what.

You are free to disagree with me and others here. You aren't free to be disrespectful. That was my point.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 4:08 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

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