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Newest Member: gloumama (44930)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New discovery, old affair
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am fully aware that I am a grown man, so your remark was rude and patronizing. If you have nothing positive to contribute, I would suggest that you go elsewhere.

I am also backing out of your thread (you're welcome) because every time you hear something that you don't want to hear, you take it as criticism and as not being "positive." If you don't like the differing ideas that come with a message board, then I have no clue as to why you are here. It would probably be best for you to only confide in your parents and others who are not keen to disagree with anything you may have to say.

[This message edited by cissi at 6:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 8:54 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,

You have a PM


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37160 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do appreciate every post, even those I do not agree with. However as regards my parents, the decision has been made, so I would appreciate also that even those who disagree would respect my choice and drop the subject. I have full confidence that my Dad will inform my Mom in such a way that she will not be tempted to berate or disrespect my wife. So that particular subject is closed.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cissi, I have no problem with disagreement, if respectfully presented. However, my nerves have been on edge for several days and I am understandably not particularly interested in any further secrecy. Don't you think I have had enough of lies and deceit? I have no intention of getting into specifics with my parents or anyone else, but neither am I going to hide the affair. , Just to try to "nice" her into remorse. I don't have to do that because I believe that she already has enough remorse to go around. I want a transparent and honest marriage or a fair and equitable divorce. I am determined to do this right.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast, You can be assured that the only people that have been told of the affair were those that both my wife and I agreed should be told, and those people were only told when it was necessary to do so. My kids were told for two reasons, they have a right to know what is wrong with their parents, and as a early measure of my wife's remorse and ability to face the consequences of her actions. Had my wife been home at the time I discovered the affair, we would have done this jointly. The counselor obviously had to know. Her sister had to know, because she was staying with her and should know the reason why. My Buddy and his wife had to know for my own sanity, I needed somebody I could trust to act as a sounding board for my feelings. I can't do this alone.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hang in there Bdell. You're doing well in my opinion. You have to realize that everyone here is hurting in some fashion or another, so emotions run high for everyone. and everyone has an opinion. take what you can leave the rest.

and don't feel bad about getting a pm from a moderator, i've gotten my share. don't always agree, but then, i'm not a moderator.

i do believe that we all wish the best for you. we all know this shit-road sucks, even the WS's. read the wayward forum once in a while, there's a lot of pain there too. and they have the added pain of guilt. I admire a lot of the WS's in wayward because i can see how much work they've done and how hard they are trying.

One thing I am certain of, things will get better, no matter what you and your wife decide. You'll see.

wishing you all the best.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that you're probably handling all of this very well, however the way you come across seems very demanding and belittling to your wife. Obviously none of us are there and tone and context can be lost in written words, so things are probably very different than what they appear to be on your end vice what you've typed. That's the problem with text. You can't decipher it all.

As for your parents, I'm fully supportive of telling them. I told mine, he told his mom (but didn't give her the truth, so I did). In fact, I told damn near everyone I knew. Like you said, it's needed for support. However, my ex wasn't behaving the way your wife was, so I vented. A lot. My ex was awful. So, just be prepared to defend your wife against those you do tell. Make sure you're ready to ask them to respect your decision to stay (if that's what you choose) and that there may be arguments with those individuals in the future should they choose to treat your wife differently, as some may. Who you tell is your choice, no one else's. It's how you want to handle the situation. Just be aware of the consequences. As long as you're ok with dealing with those, proceed.

Seconding what many have said so far, your wife is the poster child for remorse. She obviously hurts and even though I have a hard time sympathizing with WS's, it appears your wife truly is remorseful and that she loves you very much. I definitely recommend counseling for both of you, both IC and MC. You could probably benefit from having an outside source to vent to.

I wish you the best. This is a shitty time of year to find out this kind of stuff.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Junebug, I'm surprised that some posters cannot see that the only thing that keeps me together is my concern for my family. Yes, even including my wife. I would LOVE to be able to rant and rave and cry and feel sorry for myself, but that isn't an option. I come across a uncaring and blunt, because I HAVE to be, right now. If I gave in to my feelings, what would happen? Almost certainly, divorce, my kids hating their mom, the wholesale disintegration of all that we have built together.
Anyone who knows me, knows how much I loved my wife. I adored her from the first day. But this woman who cheated isn't who I thought she was, but some treacherous stranger. I would love it if somebody could tell me how I am supposed to reconcile with somebody I'm not sure I ever truly knew. I asked her this question last night. I asked, " Who are you"? She told me that she is the same woman I married, that her love and respect and desire for me , never wavered, that what happened was a series of bad choices brought on by loneliness , depression and fear, and a desire to escape from those things. So here is another question to the BS's , how can she prove these things? How does a cheater prove that it will not happen again? Because I am not going to settle for less. Whatever happens, I am not going to settle for a second rate marriage

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how can she prove these things? How does a cheater prove that it will not happen again?

That's up to you. No BS is the same, nor are any WS's. Sure, there are similar attributes, but every person is different. Not everyone handles everything the same. It's going to be what YOU need her to do to prove these things. Maybe she never will. "Time heals all wounds"...or something to that affect. You may need her to prove to you over time that she'll never do it again. You may never be able to trust her again. No one can make that decision for you. Not your parents, not your friends, not your kids. You.

I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". I think that there are some people that make extremely bad choices (which can be dealbreakers), such as it seems with your wife. Your wife cheated, but is she a "cheater"? Do you believe that your wife is a completely different person, or do you believe that she was broken and made a serious error in judgement, but deep down she's still the woman you adore? Again why I suggest counseling for you both. She needs it to find out why she did this and how to cope with future issues without cheating. You need it to deal with your frustrations, anger, and how to cope with what has happened. Marriage counseling is pretty obvious. You guys have a HUGE barrier to your relationship.

What you're feeling is normal. Anger, betrayal, hurt, confusion, even love. You can still love your wife during all of this. Don't think that has to change. But you have to go through all of the feelings before you can heal, so that's why many have told you not to make any decisions as of yet. Wait until you experience the emotions and your mind is a little clearer. A counselor can help with that. Also, if you haven't, check out the healing library and other books that are recommended.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does a cheater prove that it will not happen again? Because I am not going to settle for less. Whatever happens, I am not going to settle for a second rate marriage.

The answer to that one is hotly debated. But I think the truth is they can't. But they never really could but we just didnít know it. If they cheated then it was in them to cheat all along and the right set of circumstances just never came up.

For some, the right circumstances is a low bar and easily reached. They cheat repeatedly and will probably never stop.

For some, and your WW seems to be one of these, the bar is very high and very hard to reach. The response from your wife would seem to indicate she is disgusted she reached that level and is working to set the bar even higher. My WW fits into that category, but no way near as all in as your WW seems to be.

I'm 7 Years out from my D-Day. The recovery is a very long hard road and if it wasnít for my kids I might not have put in the effort. The reason I'm still here on SI is my WW doesn't have it in her to do the really hard work to better herself so I sometimes need the support I find here. But her bar was already pretty high and a similar set of circumstance to your situation was what it took to reach A level. Nothing good ever comes from an A. But sometimes the A sets up a chain reaction of events that can strengthen the bond you had or make a new one.

Thatís what happened for me. I fell out of love with who I thought my wife was. The one I put on the pedestal. But I stayed for the kids, then came to grips with who my wife really is. I fell in love with the real person who fell off the pedestal and is standing right beside me.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:25 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 634 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that BDell is handling things in a proactive, affirmative way. All this concern for feelings and decorum comes second to the complete lack of concern his wife displayed. BDell has to do what he feels the situation dictates.

People are different. BDell has chosen not to draw away and ruminate, but to take control.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does a cheater prove that it will not happen again?

You have to R with her, and stay with her until the day she or you die. That's the only way. It's up to you to decide if you'll let her try to prove it or not. It takes another leap of faith on the part of the BS. For her to prove it, you have to give her the gift of R.

I have the same concerns about my WW. If she comes back (not likely, but for arguments sake), am I willing to give her the chance to prove that she won't do it again? If she was as remorseful as you WW seems to be, then my answer would be "yes".

Hang in there man. And again, count your blessings that your WW is as remorseful as she is. I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Realitystinks , this is my issue, I don't know if I want to make that leap of faith, without some kind of safety net

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no safety net, just as there wasn't one the day you married. Sadly, none of us ever thought we needed one.

You either take that leap, or you don't, but if a person can cheat, they can cheat. Do I believe once a cheater always a cheater? No, not at all. But I know that a person can cheat no matter what I do or don't do, or what they do or say or don't do or don't say. They can go to IC every day, and leave and cheat. They can become depressed in 5 years, and cheat. They can tell a person the A is over, and it isn't.

I'm sorry that you want some guarantee. If you find how to get one, please let us all know. We'd all love one too.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a post nip. I also asked for a photograph on demand. One thing I noticed is she is saying she made a choice. This is so much more then the usual I mate a mistake. My other point is your children have real feelings she violated there trust and needs to earn there respect.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 293 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is my issue, I don't know if I want to make that leap of faith, without some kind of safety net

Bdell, as my user name suggests, there is no safety net. 5 long term relationships, 5 cheating women. The first 4 were 1 and done. That included my first marriage. I cannot fathom the wayward mindset. Nor did I have any desire to. I cannot say it enough, there is no safety net.

The difference this time? SI. I cannot emphasize enough the value of the knowledge base here. I learned that I needed to put off major decisions for 6 months to a year.(Takes that long to learn to stand again) I learned the difference between regret and remorse. Actions, not words. It took my FWW 8 months to figure out the difference. I'm nearly a year out from that and 2 from D-day. I'm currently trying R

R is not for everyone. For some, the A is a deal breaker immediately, remorseful WW or no. Others, take time to get there. Some decide to try R. The only possibility for success is with a completely remorseful WW. IMO, yours sounds like one such. That has nothing to do with your decision though. Take your time. Read, learn, heal. Time is on your side. You're doing ok.

BTW, I also learned I've got a busted picker

Strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2826 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By safety net, I mean some kind of proof of her love, respect, desires and loyalty. I understand that anything is possible. She should be ready and willing to do whatever I say to provide these proofs. So far, she has done all that I have asked, and much, much more. Even to the point of suggesting things I hadn't thought of. A good point that my Buddy's wife made, is that there is no evidence of any kind that she cheated after March, and even the OM and his wife say the same thing. Plus, these last four years , before my knowledge of the affair, were some of the best of our marriage. we have become a lot more communicative and loving and close. I asked her what she would do if I divorced her, and she said that she would wait for me, forever if need be, to come back to her.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Bdell,
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have a very close knit family as well, and there was no way I could keep my pain to myself. I did make it very clear to my family that no one was to treat my WH disrespectfully especially when our young kids were around. I also told close friends because I needed to have support. It had nothing to do with punishing my WH.

The one thing I was determined to do was keep my dignity. Wh had taken so much from me already and I wasn't going to let him take that as well. I used my anger to keep myself from backing down on what I needed to heal and survive. And to this day, I have no regrets for anything I said or did to my FWH during those first few years.

Now my story turned very ugly after the first 7 months and I hope that your WW really is being truthful and sincere in her remorse. December is never going to be the same for you no matter what happens between you and your WW. All of my DDays landed in December and I absolutely hate this month which is sad since my youngest was born on December 13th.

Take care of yourself and focus on your own healing. If you need to separate from your WW after the holidays and file for D, then do it. You can always change your mind. You've just fallen into the most nightmarish roller coaster of your life. You're going to go through all five stages of grief in different orders and probably several times in each stage. Read through our healing library. I can't count the number of times I read each article. I'm also a book lover so I bought and read a lot of books on recovering from an affair. And like many others have mentioned, take the advise you need and leave the rest behind. You know yourself, your life, your WW, your family, your kids, ect. better than anyone on this forum. Go with your gut and do whats best for you and your family.

I pray that you and your family will be able to enjoy some of the holidays.


Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,

I notice when you hear something you don't like you go into lash out mode. Your childish comment was uncalled for. Which leads me to what I said about anxiety...

I would expect sadness or anger but what you describe is anxiety. My family is very strong with healthy boundaries and enough respect for each other to not go wading into each other's sex lives.


Eta: typo/autocorrect malfunction corrected.

[This message edited by seriouslylostit at 2:38 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Godsgirl , Separation after the Holidays is a definite possibility. I think both of us would benefit from some time apart. She doesn't really want to, but I think that this is because she thinks that if she isn't with me, I might decide I don't need her in my life.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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