Did she actually sleep with him, cuddled up overnight; did she shower with him; experience multiple O's. All these may help to explain why she cold-bloodedly betrayed you and help you to decide what the next step should be. Her explanations of loneliness, anxiety, depression shouldn't cause her to cheat in this manner.
She didn't confess, but did experience guilt as per her IC sessions. Does that make a difference? Tough choices ahead.
I can't speak for Bdell, although I think our stories may be similar.
in my case, I used to think that other men's wives cheated. I thought mine was special. I thought that whatever her faults were she would never cheat on me. she had too much integrity. she was mine. She loved me. i was waaaaaaay too important to her.
so now,no matter what she says about how sorry she is how it will never happen again, how she will die before she cheats again, I believe she believes it. but when i'm alone..... I know better. And when i'm alone, I think to myself I deserve better. I deserve someone new.
As you can no doubt tell, I don't know the answer Bdell.
but it might also be speculation based on your own situations
What other advice can we give?
What makes an intelligent, adult person go against everything that they hold dear?
Less than a year before my FWW's affair, her BFF had an affair that made the national news. Also, she attended a conference on the West coast where her roommate had an affair. In both situations, when discussing the situation, she literally gagged at points in the conversation. My FWW teaches ethics in her position at work. We had issues in our marriage due to my *little white lies*. If you get an answer that makes sense, please post it.
IF, my wife was a sex-crazed, congenital liar
How long did she withhold the truth?
We're here to help. We are not into slamming your wife. Most of us hope that R is the destination. However, ultimately, this site is about *surviving* infidelity. It ain't pretty and it isn't easy. 2-5 years is the most accepted timeline for recovery. Honesty is the largest part of R. You've had how many years of lies?
Bottom line, I know you've heard it before. *Take what you need, leave the rest.*
I think you're doing well brother. Keep posting.
How is it lopsided if you forgive? If you rebuild a new marriage?
Because you can never forget. Forgiveness is great that is a crusial (how do you spell that?) for a successfull R.
Wives who are lonely don't necessarily turn to other men for comfort; she has girl friends and a large family for instance. How about you were away and she saw an opportunity to have an exciting affair without fear of discovery, or having to face you at the end of the day after being with the OM. Its almost if the marriage had temporarily ceased to exist and she was a 'single' woman once more; at least for a few months.
So replace loneliness with an exciting opportunity with an attractive guy and we may be a bit nearer the truth. This was probably her last chance to do this. After you returned she would not cheat because her marriage was back and you would be a constant presence in her life. It was just a golden opportunity to have a sexual affair before settling down to a life of contented faithfulness. Her marriage was erased for a few months so she give herself totally to the OM, then it was over; an exciting experience to add to life's treasured memories. Except its turned into a horrible nightmare.
On the issue of trust, what if you need to be away for a few weeks/months in the future? Has she learned her lesson?
AT Christmas, right before this happened, she cried and pleaded for me to allow her to quit her job and come and stay with me. that she couldn't bare to be without me.
[This message edited by OK now at 10:08 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]
if you read many of the WW threads, you will not find a rational, "hey now I have a chance to cheat", thought process. It is a gradual slide into an emotional quicksand.
it is entirely possible that your WW was looking for friendship, and once boundary protection systems were down, the OM suggested a physical relationship in order 'to get more close'. That is a pattern discussed the the much recommended book "Not Just Friends".
also, some here are piling on your WW for not confessing to you. This site is unique in dogmatically pushing the virtue of un-solicited confession after the A has been ended. Further, a lot of folks then take this issue as an aspect of 'true remorse'. The much recommended book "After the Affair" specifically cautions against confession for a WS that has ended an A and has recommitted. Not to mention a legion of ICs. Yes I would have appreciated my WW ending the A and confessing. But your WW sought out professional advice and took it. Do not allow yourself to tear her down for that choice which seems to be a possible outcome of some of the above perspectives.
My WW is a recovering alcoholic.
To sum it up quickly, I had the ideal wife for 15+ years of marriage. She has congenital heart disease that she learned right after our marriage. She had major open heart surgery back in the early 2000s.
Post surgery, for quite some time, she had trouble digesting after meals. A friend innocently suggested a glass of wine during dinner to ease the muscles(she never drank at this point). It helps, so the pattern continues. Maybe a little more wine during dinner---add this to a potentially depressed person(like you, my WW didn't show this...or I was oblivious to it), and the path to destruction is underway.
After my Dday(s), and a long time afterwards, I wouldn't accept that one had anything to do with the other. I didn't want to accept any *excuse* that may have had a part of her decision to cheat.
But it did. And I am sure that your current assessment of your WW's mindset at the time is fairly accurate. Doesn't make things OK, but does give you a direction.
Personally, I think it is good to hear differing theories, like OK mentioned. It helps us look where we may not have looked before. It is all part of the fact-finding mission that you hoped you would never have to endure.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
It seems possible that she was deeply hurt by your refusal to allow her to join you in your job location and take a sabbatical from her work. It may seem to her that you didn't miss her as much as she missed you; she felt an intense rejection. this may have weakened the bonds of loyalty enough to permit her cheating.
Otherwise, what can you say. She got depressed and lonely for you so she decided an affair was just the ticket to lift her spirits?
I believe your wife is too good of a person to cheat for such a puerile reason.
80 - 90% of women cheat because of a strong resentment against the BH according to various surveys. Posts in JFO seem to support this. All I was trying to say was look for the resentment in your wife's adultery. Its a reason that makes sense, while saying she was temporarily unhinged by loneliness is no explanation at all.
I hope you will reconcile as your wife deserves it for her intense remorse. Along with others I remain supportive of you in your quest to make sense of what happened and come to terms with your wife's one-time betrayal.
[This message edited by OK now at 6:41 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
That's enough to drive anyone over the edge.
Personally, I think your one very lucky man.
You have a WW that's remorseful and is trying to do everything she can to make up for the terrible choice she made.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Pretty selfish. but in her mind, what I don't know can't really hurt me. Now, needless to say, she is ashamed of herself, nearly suicidal, and not very fun to be around.
My point to you Bdell, is that you may swing back and forth for quite some time. I do. Maybe you can get over her affair. but I noticed, you posted a thread about having an open marriage. So maybe you realize that perhaps your marriage is forever changed after all.
I wouldn't have an open marriage. If I stay with my wife, I don't want to watch her go out on dates. and I really don't want two women in my life. I'm not a cheater.
My problem, and if you follow my trajectory, is that my opinion of my wife is forever changed. I'm not sure I can get over the betrayal.
I won't say that I hope you can. I will say that I hope the best for you, whatever that may be.
I think that I will come to realize that there was no one, single, reason for her actions but an accumulation of causes. Loneliness, depression, fear, resentment, and poor coping skills all played their part in the choices she made. My wife is (normally) a very moral, intelligent, attractive, and loving woman.
Exactly. I break it down into the following categories:
1. Poor personal boundaries (someone that violates their own personal morals and beliefs): of which depression, fear, and coping skills play a major role
2. Emotional needs going unmet: such as loneliness and resentment
3. Poor emotional intimacy/communication (sharing your hopes, dreams, and fears with your spouse): your wife did not feel comfortable coming to you with her emotional suffering and instead sought out an affair as a way of escaping her pain and/or finding happiness.
Once you come to grips with the above, you will have a better understanding of what went wrong and why your wife made the poor choices she did. For R to succeed, at some point you will need to find a way to overcome the pain and anger, and replace it with compassion and loving-kindness. Some of that change will need to come from your wife, but a lot of it will also depend on you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Maybe you will come with answer as to your way forward and how to deal with your wife's codependency. The sad thing about all this is hearing what a first-rate excellent marriage you had and it was still tainted with adultery. Apparently no-one's relationship is safe from cheating.