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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New discovery, old affair
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am beginning to understand the task ahead of me, if I choose to reconcile, and it's pretty daunting to be sure. I think that I will come to realize that there was no one, single, reason for her actions but an accumulation of causes. Loneliness, depression, fear, resentment, and poor coping skills all played their part in the choices she made. My wife is (normally) a very moral, intelligent, attractive, and loving woman. Seeing her as she is now, a complete wreck, begging for scraps of love, trying to remake her self image, is hard to take.

I like this, a lot. I like a lot of your recent posts. I wasn't posting because we hadn't quite hit it off, and I'd rather be silent than seem unsupportive to a newly discovered BS.

However, I see a lot of love in your more recent posts, and while you are so right - it is a very hard road if you reconcile, it can be well worth it. If you love your spouse, and you believe what you say regarding this being a black mark on a very good record, you may want to give it serious consideration.

And definitely take that fishing trip. Why not? It'll help clear your head and get some perspective away from all of this, and it will be relaxing for you too.

Good luck Bdell. I sincerely hope things work out well for you.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1738 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I am definitely going fishing. Perhaps the last week of January. I have to finish up some things first.
My wife and I are going to my Buddie's house for New Years, and then she is going to stay for a week or so to catch her breath, and relax. Sometimes we BS's don't realize that the WS (if remorseful) is usually in pretty bad shape as well. Couple that with her Mom's illness and the kids rejection, and she needs a little TLC too.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Content  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast, Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a vindictive hard ass. LOL Just a man trying to navigate my way through unfamiliar territory. I'm sorry if I lashed out at you or anybody else, or became defensive. I'm trying really, really, really hard to maintain my equilibrium, for my family's sake, and to make the best decisions I can, for all of us, yes....even my wife.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've barely scratched the surface of my wife's actions, but I have , I think, gotten to the bottom of why she didn't confess , at the time. After numerous conversations with her and the OM and his wife and both the Office Manager of the counseling service and my wife's original IC, I pretty much know the timeline and reasons behind her decision not to confess. When she ended the PA in March, the OM begged her not to tell, citing the damage it would do to his business and the possible racial fallout and possible violence that might have resulted . (Please remember that he didn't know me and was worried that I might be a redneck, lol)
Certainly, he was also in self preservation mode, with regards to letting his wife know, as well. He is a real piece of work, ain't he? Totally selfish. My wife's opinion of him, NOW, is pretty bad, especially now that he has tossed her to the wolves to save himself.
FRom the transcripts and from questioning the IC with the Office manager present, it appears that she (IC) told my wife numerous times, to never tell me, "bear her burden" and look to the future. Meaning that she (wife) should work on her issues , by herself, and that would be the best way to atone for her affair and save our marriage. I expressed myself pretty strongly and negatively about this to the Office Manager, and as a result, this IC will not be allowed to see clients involving infidelity, until she has received additional training, especially regarding the needs of Betrayed Spouses.
Both the Office Manager and the IC have sent me written letters of apology and have scheduled my wife for counseling with the Office Manager, herself. I believe that I posted that the Office Manage , herself, has experienced infidelity in her marriage (BS) and I also want to say that she (Office Manager) has been A++++++++ in every way, since I first talked to her.
So what I have come up with, is that my wife's first inclination was to confess, but she was talked out of it by everybody else involved. For totally selfish reasons on the part of the OM, but for honest, therapeutic reasons by the IC.
My wife also said that , to be honest, she was afraid to confess, for fear of losing me, so she went along. She feels extremely guilty for this, as well.
So that issue seems to be laid to rest. Hey, by the time I'm 75 I might be able to say that I know what the fuck is going on. YAAAAY!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've followed your posts from the start Bdell and feel your pain as a BS who was totally blindsided recently.

I don't have advice to offer, just wanted to say I truly hope things work out for you. Enjoy your trip and here's wishing you the clarity and peace you need.

Happy New Year to you and yours (((hugs)))


Posts: 121 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Lola. It helps to know that I have some people who are in my corner.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
lqqk4answ
♂ New Member
Member # 41662
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed somebody I could trust to act as a sounding board for my feelings. I can't do this alone.

Unlike some of us, you don't have to do this alone! You have a WS who is ripe to doing it with you all the way, in fact she has done all you have asked, including some of which I and others consider overboard -- but we do understand the overboard as we have been there too!

When my wife said she could go out with whomever she wanted and I couldn't stop her, I trembled, I was angry, and I said you do then don't come home! All that did was shut her down permantly. My point is your anger, both of your pain (trust me she is in great pain too), the betrayal, the trauma, that is normal and the emotions are understandable, but just as she is accountable for her actions, you are also accountable for yours! I say that as I wish I hadn't said what I said, that is on me, I should have said lets talk about this, but my emotions got in the way, still do as she continues to see OM (since divorced).

What I think about is 30 years of marriage -- do I want to throw that away? We had a great marriage and relationship except for this. If you want to toss 27 years way, basically a third of your life, that is your business, to me a third of my life was too precious to just simply dump on the junk pile without trying to first see If I could make it work. If my wife displayed the same remorse as your wife, I would actually be happy as I would know I could.

Another thing I think about is me as I was honest, understanding, happy, entertaining, outgoing, lovable guy ... why should I let what her do change me? Ow trust me I feel the same as you, wondering if the past 30 years was just one big lie, wondering if I should have a DNA done on eldest son as we had some issues at that time and he isn't like "me". But you know what, I'm not going to let my emotions get the best of me and change "ME" -- I'm not going that ogre that I feel like being. When I think of being the ogre, I think of my wedding vow, what I promised, to love honor and cherish -- that wouldn't be honorable nor cherish. I also think about to forsake all others -- that means you don't let any others come between you and your wife, not you parents, not your kids, not friends -- it means NO OTHERS. Ow yes, I understand my wife did that, I understand I feel revengeful, but I don't need to be a lessor person so can't let my emotions turn me into a lessor person (irrational behaviors), I must let logic and reason (rational behaviors) dictate my course. By so doing, I will rest in peace knowing I did all I could to save the marriage, that I didn't fail my wife, my family, and I can take great pride in that.

I read the thread with interest -- you wife was opposite of mine as she accepted her actions as wrong, she was remorseful, she told you everything (no TT for you), nor gas lighting, the continued relationship, nor the continued deceit, the lies of omission or half truths, then blame shifting, and I could go on. While know one will say the PA is a good thing, it is over in your case, you have the truth, your wife is doing all you ask so you can heal and move forward. Ow I do know what it means to heal alone -- you are not in that position, yet! Of course you can't change the past, but you are in a great position for the future as you and your wife are in a perfect position to heal together and R ... she wants to, she is willing, the question is do you really want to end the marriage ... It will be you ending it!

Someone posted earlier that most affairs are the result of problems in the marriage. what I have read leads me to a great many great marriages never ever thought a affair could even remotely happen but sh#t does happen -- no marriage is immune!

The way I see it, yea, you can get out of marriage and no one will blame you due to what happened, particular if it was a bad marrage as you found the excuse you were waiting for. OR, if the marriage is overall good, you can R, be the hero (certainly is isn't her right?), have even a stronger marriage, and prove to your wife you are the understanding loving person she married, in turn, your wife will show you she *IS* also the person you married -- she has a real need to do so!

BTW, IMHO, everyone makes mistakes, you have, she has, that is the reality. But what is important is how couples work through the mistakes. You can take what I say with a grain of salt, don't care as I'm still dealing with the sh#t and frankly would rather be in your situation then mine -- almost jealous! I believe the folks here are trying to be being truly honest, because they have been traumatized being on the opposite end -- they know how it feels! They are offering up their experience, it is golden, feel fortunate you found SI! They are only trying to help and support those going through what is likely the most difficult time of their lives, because they have and they know! Bottom line is they want nothing more then to truly help you through this!

Lastly, sorry so long, but I needed to give perspective (hope I did). I do wish you the best of luck in whatever way you chose -- it is your choice and the one you have to live with! And sorry as nobody should ever have to face such trauma! Good luck!


D-Day: 5 Dec 2012
NC date: waiting
Me, BS, 57 years
WW, 53 years
Married 30 years at time.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NM
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to point out to everybody who are telling me how wonderful my wife is behaving and how remorseful she is, that she has had 4 years to process her feelings about the affair and to get her side of the story "down pat". I have had 2 weeks or so. So even though she is doing everything possible to regain my trust, and was a good wife prior to this happening, she still practiced deception for 4 years. I do not think I am asking too much that she prove or verify everything she says or does, until we either divorce or I forgive her enough to give her another chance.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
lqqk4answ
♂ New Member
Member # 41662
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you said:

"I do not think I am asking too much that she prove or verify everything she says or does, until we either divorce or I forgive her enough to give her another chance." You really think that is all you are asking of her?

First, I don't think anyone has a problem with that as that as that is a reasonable request. It is also reasonable *you* know every single detail. it would be reasonable if you GPS her, monitor phone and email accounts etc or what ever is needed to restore trust. But you went beyond that and only kidding yourself if that is all you think you are asking of her.

As I said, just as you hold her accountable for her actions, and you should, you are accountable for your actions.

Telling her she has to tell your kids, the tears in their eyes, that emotional drain on them, that was what you told your wife you wanted of them, and she did it for you. You are responsible and accountable for their emotional upheaval. Ask yourself what it accomplish? Ask yourself what harm to them was caused. All you did was make the kids feel the hurt you were feeling -- that is wrong! You know you don't tell the kids everything, you protect them from harm.

You ask her to tell your parents, frankly your marriage is non of their business -- you vowed to forsake ALL others and that includes your parents. You knew your mom would be angered, face it, that is exactly what you wanted. But that was your emotions speaking, the the rational. And again you are responsible and accountable for the rift with your parents because that is what you asked your wife to do -- it is not her fault she did what you asked.

Don't you see what you are doing? You are letting your emotions get the better of you -- you simply are not thinking rational! You want everyone to feel the pain you are feeling. Ow I know that pain, we all do here, and yea it is simply horrible. No one should ever have to endure that and I wish it on no one! Sorry you are going through that, but I also know you have to reach deep and get a hold of your rational side.

You received excellent advice here, to tell your parents only that you are having some difficulties in your marriage. You chose to ignore that advice and go for the kill. So did it make you happy? what problem did it really solve? How are you going to rebuild all the bridges you burned when it's time to reconcile (R)?

Look, we understand the wave of emotions you are going through, we have all been there and some for more. Some are still dealing with on-going affairs, repeat affairs, double betrayals, etc. Mine is ongoing and I wanted to out my wife to our kids and her family too. But that is emotional because it solves nothing and only expands the problem. See, it is no longer you and your wife that that need IC, you and your wife that needs MC, but now the kids need IC too.

There is a time and place for everything. Should you file for D and go there (less then half that file carry through), that would be the time to explain, with you and your wife, that she betrayed you and you can't live with that, that it had nothing to do with them. That would be the reasonable thing to do in the right time an place.

She did wrong, we understand that, but you are doing wrong, and we understand that too. But more so, everyone is here to help and support you -- we wouldn't be helping if we didn't tell you how it is!


D-Day: 5 Dec 2012
NC date: waiting
Me, BS, 57 years
WW, 53 years
Married 30 years at time.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NM
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, we understand the wave of emotions you are going through, we have all been there and some for more. Some are still dealing with on-going affairs, repeat affairs, double betrayals, etc. Mine is ongoing and I wanted to out my wife to our kids and her family too. But that is emotional because it solves nothing and only expands the problem. See, it is no longer you and your wife that that need IC, you and your wife that needs MC, but now the kids need IC too.

t/j

Bdell is very new to this, and he handled it how he thought best.

Since you believe that we aren't helping if we don't tell the truth - you should be telling your children and your/her parents. Your wife is actively cheating. Your children are very much aware there is a major problem in the home, and your wife is in a cloudy fog. There is something called a 'scorched earth' practice that says that you out an affair to EVERYONE - it breaks the false notion of the A by shedding light on it.

Yes, many here told Bdell that he was acting out of revenge and not out of anyone's best interest, but he was a very new BS and we all do things that we may or may not later regret. We don't know - Bdell may have done the right thing in the end.

Here is the difference - Bdell's wife's A ended 4 years ago. There was nothing to end, or out so that the truth would be out there and light would shine on the A. In your case, you are keeping her secret by hiding it. Your wife wants to cheat, and she should feel the full consequences of this. Telling others of an A generally stops the 'dreamy' aspect of it, because the WS must now face everyone telling them how disgusting it is, and they wake up in almost all cases. You have decided to do the opposite, and yet you are here telling another what they did is wrong. Odd.

Yes, we have all been hurt, but please don't tell another that is so new, so fresh, that all they are doing is 'wrong'. The majority here would say the same to you, but we are here to support, not to condemn.

Bdell has changed is attitude a great deal since Dday, and he is learning how to process the information he has received, as are you. It takes time to adjust to being a BS.

end t/j


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1738 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I lashed out at you or anybody else, or became defensive.

No apology necessary. Being a new BS is unbelievably hard, and honestly for about a week or so I think we are all in some 'nightmare' state where we keep thinking we'll wake up. We do what we think is best, but we have no idea what that is.

This takes time. You are right - your wife has had 4 years to adjust to this, you've had 2 weeks.

I think you're doing really well, considering. I think your wife's willingness to be honest, and her remorse, is helping. Yes, that doesn't mean you should be singing her praises. I'm jut thinking that her remorse must, on some level, comfort you.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1738 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
alback
♂ New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,
Yes your wife has had 4 years to process, and this is very new and hurtful to you, as it was for me.

What you are going through is the worst experience of your life, it will have some ups and many gut wrenching downs.

However, your wife was remorseful shortly after her affair. It should never had started, but she did end it without being caught, she sought professional help and wanted to tell you then. You have already confirmed that the help she received was wrong which caused the deception for 4 years.

You also stated how much she had tried to improve your relationship over the past 4 years, even though you never suspected anything was wrong.

I know exactly how you feel, my wife is remorseful now. However she kept this from me, essentially a lie for 32 years! She never went for professional help, she didn't even say anything when we got married, or had our 3 children. I told my wife on New Years eve, this has been the worse year of my life, all she could say is we will try to make the next one better.

Your wife made a very bad decision which should never have happened, however from what I see, she certainly has been shouldering her part in reconciling your marriage.

Good luck, this is a very long process, many twists and turns.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Nov 2013
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iqqk, thank you for your opinion, but I think that I understand my situation better than you do. I simply don't understand why you or anyone who has been the victim of infidelity would advocate even more secrecy? It seems to me that you would want an open and honest marriage instead of a marriage of shadows and deceit. And except for telling the kids (which I explained the reasons for), she has done all of the telling. I haven't had to pin the Scarlett letter on her,she has done the pinning herself.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PFP and Alback, My wife is indeed doing the majority of the "grunt" work, and I do appreciate it. Especially when it is something that I had not even thought about. I DO understand that there were mitigating circumstances regarding telling me about the affair, back when it happened, and that she thought , at the time , that she was doing the right thing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW. Iqqk, how old do you think I am? A third of my life? Do you think I'm in my 80's? I'm only a little over 1/2 that. Don't make me feel older than I do already.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
workindad
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Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell good luck fishing. I hope you catch a boat load.

Your wife has had years to process this. You have not. Frankly you are handling this much better than I would expect given the newness of the situation from your perspective.

If you do decide to give your wife the gift of reconciliation I hope she appreciates it. I also hope history does not repeat itself. During her last stressful time she was cheating on you and having unprotected sex with another man. Hopefully she is not falling in to that temptation again given her current stress level. Hopefully she has built some effective boundaries and will communicate honestly with you this go around as you could expect her counselor to advise her to not tell you of any additional or new cheating episodes.

Do you have other options for counselors in your area. Perhaps you could find one that advocates honesty in a marriage.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PFP and Alback, My wife is indeed doing the majority of the "grunt" work, and I do appreciate it. Especially when it is something that I had not even thought about. I DO understand that there were mitigating circumstances regarding telling me about the affair, back when it happened, and that she thought , at the time , that she was doing the right thing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
k9lover1
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Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone is advocating secrecy. When it comes to telling the other BS, then it's a given, but when it comes to children, parents, friends, neighbors, then comes the gray lines.

There are some details you just do not share with certain people. I think in the early stages, it is best to err on the side of caution. You can always take out a billboard later when things are calmer.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8091 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K9, my reasons for telling those people that have been told are , to my mind, very good ones. I told my kids because they are adults and have a right to know the reason for their parents dysfunction, why the holidays were as they were, and also as an early method of gauging my wife's remorse and intent. I told my Buddy and his wife, because I NEEDED somebody to talk to that I can trust. The position my wife SHOULD have occupied, herself. I told my Dad for the same reason and because I know I can count on his good judgement and wisdom. I knew that eventually my Mom would know that something was up, so I knew I could leave it in Dad's hands to tell her about the situation and to deal with her anger and prevent her from becoming verbally abusive to my wife. One of the first things I learned is that if you are dealing with a crisis, you need a good support network, and I am trying to build that network, one piece at a time. I firmly believe that if I had not told the people I did, our marriage would already be over and she would be sitting on the curb.
Conversely, I also realized that the WS needs a support network too. By telling her sister, her Pastor, and getting to the bottom of the IC fiasco, and getting it re-started on a better footing, so that she is getting competent counseling, would provide her with positive support and would insure that her issues and needs are given due consideration. People who are saying that I am "punishing" my wife are as off base as you can get. All that I have done already has been to make sure that everybody's interest are being protected, including my wife's.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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